Just feeling alone today ** triggers **

[Dee]

Today I allowed myself for better or worse to wallow in self-pity.  I am really upset with my sister lately due to recent events.  She is the only one to know that last month I almost killed myself (feeling better now, past action) but it was a serious attempt and I am alive due to medical intervention.  She knew that and she got into an argument with me.  I asked her if she was trying to kill me, she said "so you're calling me a murderer."  A few days later she apologized, but I don't think I'm ready yet to have anything to do with her.  She never apologizes and it is a big step, but I'm not there.  I really, honestly, felt she doesn't care at all.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Considering last year I moved across the country to be near her.  Now, I have no real friends here and a family I cannot deal with right now.  Though I have two wonderful children who are 16 and 19, but so grown and independent.  I also do not talk about my struggles because I don't want them to feel they have to be the parent.  They think I was in the hospital with an acute kidney infection. 

So today I crawled into bed, a place I hate, and pulled the covers over my head for the entire day.  I just felt so alone.  By not talking to my sister right now I know I am practicing self-care, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Dee, I'm glad you're practicing self care. Some days you just need a bed day. Big hugs to you. 

[Three Roses]

 

I think allowing yourself to feel your feelings is a good thing, even when they hurt like #%*!

I'm sorry to hear the reaction your commitment to family has gotten you, and sorry to hear you feel so alone. It may not be "the real thing", not like a physical presence, but we care about you and are here for you.

[Dee]

virtual love is always good!  thank you!

[sanmagic7]

dee, i have days of private pity parties, too.  i decided that, since no one else felt bad for me, i was just going to indulge myself for myself.  not very often, but when i felt the need, what the hey!  so, i hope you do just exactly what you want today, keep being good to yourself (as best you can) and, yeah, altho we can't be there in person, we're here for you in spirit.  sending love to help ease the pain.

[Kizzie]

Hey Dee, sending you a ton of    and much support.

So sorry to hear what a tough time you've had.  IMO you have every reason to show yourself some self-compassion so pull those covers up and rest.  (FWIW I don't think it's self pity you're feeling but very deep and real sadness in response to your sister's behaviour.)   

[radical]

Oh Dee,
I'm glad you did what you needed.  I wish it would take some of the pain away
This tripe about self-pity so many of us have been fed all out lives is rubbish.  My heart aches for what you've been through and so should your's.  There may be some people who have  a problem with self-indulgent over-compassion for themselves, but you are not one of them.

This is one of the things I think Pete Walker gets right.  We haven't had enough compassion from others and we haven't learned to be compassionate enough to ourselves.  For years I've been as harsh to myself as my parents were to me and it's helped me as much as my parents did - stuff all.  We need a different model, not more of the same.  It's not just empty words, eventually with enough practice, compassion towards ourselves does start to sink-in and change those unhealthy attitudes we have toward ourselves.

I'm so sorry you felt so alone, and so glad you're still here.  I really feel that, I hope sometime you'll feel it too.

[Three Roses]

Well said, radical!

[Dee]

Love you all, really

[Kizzie]

   x 10 to you

[Contessa]

Very sorry to hear what has happened Dee. Thinking of you and feeling for you.

And everything that radical said