Finally- somewhere I belong

[shudson]

 
I am new here, diagnosed with not just 1 but all 3 forms of ptsd... including Borderline Personality Disorder.

My whole life I thought I was normal and could never understand why life was so much easier for other people.  Until I was diagnosed only 3 years ago, at 30 years old.  At 30 learning I have not only BPD but also PTSD and now I am finding I have C-PTSD as well.

EVERYTHING makes so much more sense now.  My hurt feelings, like constantly, my resentment for people in general, my night terrors.

My family is not understanding of the conditions and I find myself educating people on my conditions.  Literally telling people instead of BPD that I have the childhood form of PTSD and now I know there are 3.

I made an announcement on my Facebook this morning about it and included a chart explaining which symptom belongs to which condition.

I am well liked, if not loved by my peers, but I feel like I have NO CLOSE friends. 
I have found that if I ignore red flags, I end up getting hurt, so I have been very selective and picky with my dating choices anymore.  Well for the last 3 years anyways.

3 years ago I was married to a former Marine- hoorah- but he suffered from PTSD from Fallujah.  Our marriage lasted 32 days before he almost killed me, for the 3rd time, by strangling me from behind, face down on the bed; after he had beaten me to the floor and on the floor, resulting in a broken foot and dislocated shoulder.  The other 2 times, he choked me on our kitchen floor for crying and once again, face down on the bed from behind.
I never saw him coming.  Twice.

Before him, I had experienced one abusive man before him, resulting in body slamming into a wall and choking as well.

The C-ptsd comes from childhood.  I am a survivor of severe neglect and abandonment along with sibling abuse from the age of 8-18 est.  I didnt have a door on it's hinges once I reached high school.  I remember telling myself "he can't hurt me anymore once he is 18" but he did still until I was 17/18 or a senior in high school.  My mother was a raging alcoholic- sometimes we didnt even have a working phone in the house let alone attention for me.  My father was absent, and then I was a weekend kid along with my brother.

I remember at 9 years old, feeling so depressed, hopeless and lost.  I slept all the time.  And no one did anything.

I lost my mom in 2002 to alcohol and when she passed, my grandmother told me how much they tried to get me out, they tried and couldnt.  To hear your grandma tell you "I cant believe what you went thru", and to hear stories is just heartbreaking.
My mom was sober throughout high school and relapsed, taking her liver and her life only a year after she started drinking again.

SO... with all that said- thanks for listening.  I am trying to USE my conditions for better.  I am warrior for the Lord and I will speak for those who can't or are too scared to speak.

I am glad I found this forum and I hope to be a staple here.

Coming from sunny Colorado to you- I hope you have a great day.
-Sarah

[mourningdove]

Welcome!