New here

[Sceadu]

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I have recently been reading Pete Walker's book on cPTSD and I strongly suspect that I have it.

Unlike many of the people on these boards, I had a relatively stable and loving family growing up.  Most of my initial trauma took place at the hands of teachers and peers.  I did not experience any overt physical or sexual abuse, but I do recall feeling a lot of shame as a child.

I am an extremely emotionally sensitive person and feel others' emotions very intensely.  When adults got angry at me, especially abruptly, I felt deeply traumatized and shameful about this.  I was an intellectually gifted child who often behaved or thought differently from my classmates and teachers, and I internalized at a young age that anticipating what adults wanted from me was more important than reaching my potential.  I had many teachers and adults in my life who were worried about me getting stuck up from my intelligence, and declared that they would knock me down a few pegs so that I knew I wasn't better than anyone else.  I often found myself being disproportionately punished for small honest mistakes, like one very memorable incident when I accidentally forgot to do the back of a homework assignment and received a detention -- and then the teacher invited my classmates over to see me in detention so that everyone could see that I wasn't perfect.  I can recall adults accusing me of testing them, resisting their authority, being disrespectful, or just plain being a bad kid for making honest mistakes that had no intention behind them.

My parents were generally supportive, but since I grew up in an small community where 85% of the population was the same ethnicity and religion, it's safe to say that I was raised by a village, and many of the authority figures in my life were friends with my family. 

By 7th grade I began to show symptoms of OCD.  I had learned that being perfect was the only way to avoid punishment.  When other kids were caught misbehaving, their bad behavior was expected, but when I was caught, I ended up being made into an example because no one could "let me off the hook" for being good most of the time.  Because of my sensitive nature, I was easily humiliated and shamed. 

My father was raised in a very repressive environment and didn't like displays of emotion.  When I would cry at home with my parents, it would distress my father, so I would be told to stop.  My negative feelings were often labeled as "just PMS" or some other similar dismissal.  By the time I was 17, my mother took me to the doctor to be put on Prozac so that I wouldn't be so emotional.   I can remember being punished or threatened for not exhibiting enough self-control over my emotions.  Expressions of negative emotion were not received well.  If I asserted myself with my parents, explaining that they had hurt me or done something I didn't like, I was often told that I had no right to protest because of all they did for me.

By age 22 I was diagnosed with OCD by a therapist.  Most of the OCD therapy I have either read about or experienced has been related to CBT, which discourages the patient from looking deeply into the causes of the behavior.  I am convinced that my OCD is trauma-based.  In my early 20s I was also treated for PTSD for a cancer scare and successfully recovered using EMDR.  Prior to that, I had begun to check my body for lumps to the point that my skin was green beneath my clothing from bruising.

I have experienced a string of very abrupt, traumatic abandonments in my life, which I will not explain in detail here.  They began in my early adolescence and mainly consisted of very harsh rejection by peers or potential romantic partners.  I have repeatedly experienced male friends cutting me out of their lives in disgust when I showed romantic interest in them, beginning in high school and extending into adulthood.  Usually when I share my feelings with someone or assert myself by having boundaries, that is when people leave.

As much as I feel that my issues are caused by trauma, and I can point to experiences in my life that impacted me, I also worry that I have BPD.  I've heard it said that "frantic efforts to avoid abandonment" are a symptom of BPD, not cPTSD.  Most of my coping mechanisms are geared toward making me an acceptable person so that I will not experience rejection.  I don't do other BPD behaviors like splitting or having an unstable sense of self.  If I had BPD, I feel like it would be further evidence that I am worthless and unacceptable and that all the people who disliked me in my life were right.

I have been going through a particularly difficult time with an abusive ex-boyfriend lately, and many triggers have entered my life.  I'm hoping that posting here will help me deal with this.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Sceadu! 

It makes me sad that you have experienced so much emotional abuse and neglect. I relate to a lot of what you wrote.

I'm glad you are here and I hope you find this website helpful.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Sceadu! We're glad you're here

Sorry to hear what you've gone thru - you deserved to be better taken care of than you were.

Another book you may find helpful is "The Body Keeps The Score" which is on YouTube to listen to, for free. After listening to the audio book, I bought a hard copy and am reading it thru again, it's got a ton of information on symptoms, causes and treatments of cptsd.

More resources:
http://pete-walker.com/index.htm
Http://hsperson.com

Glad you're on board!