Hello. I'm so relieved that this forum exists! *possible trigger, no details*

[Tewaz]

Hello,
I am so glad to have found this forum!
I am a survivor of "conversion therapy" and youth homelessness, among other things.
I have been undergoing treatment for PTSD and resulting nervous depletion for about 2 years now.
It is so hard and so slow and I am frequently so mad at, and ashamed of myself for not being able to function, or be an adult like I used to.
Upon researching some, I think C-PTSD is more appropriate to both my symptoms and causes.
It took 20 years for me to realize I was injured (I don't call it illness. It was inflicted, not succumbed to) at all, and another 3 years of hopping from therapist to doctor to psychologist, etc...before we figured out what was going on. By then I was pretty much "turned off," nearly unresponsive.
After 2 years of treatment, I am now taking my first terrifying steps back into the world of productive adulthood.
So, here I am! I sure would love to discuss the topic with people, to feel less alone, to hear other people's experiences, to discover how people have learned to function and thrive again, and hopefully, to contribute any insights I have had that may help others.

[papillon]

Welcome!

We're glad you're here. Yes, you have found a community of people who can relate. Maybe not to particulars of your past (although that's possible), but we're on this recovery journey together.

What you said is true. Recover can be is hard. And slow. Shame, anger, and frustration will bubble to the surface... And then, life will go on. There will be brighter days.

This is a community that wants to share the dark moments with you, and (virtually) hold your hand. When you experience growth, happiness, and hope... we want to share that with you too.

Wishing you the best. 

[Tewaz]

Thank you Papillion!
I love your name!
It's kind of funny, I've looked everywhere for a survivor's group or support group related to conversion therapy. There doesn't seem to be anything out there.
I don't know if it is because so few of us survive, or because it is so political right now, that we so often risk our stories becoming more public than we are comfortable with.
I really don't know. Maybe when I'm well enough to be reliable I will start one.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Tewaz! I feel the same about this forum, I'm relatively new here and it's already helped me so much.

Have you heard of Pete Walker? A lot of us here are fans of his. His book, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", opened my eyes and has made me feel validated for the first time in I don't know how long - maybe my whole life. He also had a website, pete-walker.com which had a lot of good info.

So glad you've joined us! 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Tewaz and welcome. 

It's kind of funny, I've looked everywhere for a survivor's group or support group related to conversion therapy. There doesn't seem to be anything out there.
I don't know if it is because so few of us survive, or because it is so political right now, that we so often risk our stories becoming more public than we are comfortable with.
I really don't know. Maybe when I'm well enough to be reliable I will start one.

I had to look up what "conversion therapy" is, but that is just awful! Abuse of the first order. 
If you want and feel like it, feel free to spill anything you want to say on the subject here.
Many of us here were not allowed to be who we are, were pressed in some mould or the other, against our will, so possibly we have plenty in common.
possibly the CPTSD and Us - Causes of CPTSD - Religious/Spiritual Abuse board could be fitting and welcoming for you, regarding this specific abuse.

But off course you're welcome everywhere. 


Dutch

[mourningdove]

Hi Tewaz! 

It took 20 years for me to realize I was injured (I don't call it illness. It was inflicted, not succumbed to)

I like this. I don't consider C-PTSD an "illness" either.

Welcome! 

[Tewaz]

Thank you all for the warm welcome!

Mourningdove, agreed. It is an important distinction. We live in a society that so often places the blame or shame for mental injuries on the victim, or asserts we could "will ourselves better" if we were stronger. It's nonsense. We wouldn't tell someone to think happy thoughts to mend a broken leg.

Three Roses, yes! I actually just discovered that author yesterday. It was a YouTube video from him that led me to this forum. I have a hard time reading these days. I was a straight A evolutionary biology student, but now it taxes my brain badly to try and focus on the words on a page. I'm checking to see if audible has him in audiobook form.

DutchUncle, thank you so much! I was thinking about posting a bit on the Spiritual/Reliigous abuse thread. I want to be very careful and deliberate when I do, though. I still have a lot of anger regarding religion, and particularly around Evangelism and other more conservative sects. As kids we were taught that our version of Christianity was the only kind, even Catholicism was considered tantamount to pagan idol worship. I'm only recently discovering that not all Christians are abusive. It is a hard thing to remember when you can't turn on the news, read a paper, or listen to the radio without hearing or seeing a Christian politician or organization denigrating gay people, trying to punish them socially and legally, or demonizing us, comparing us to pedophiles or drug addicts.
It is wearying, and it becomes very easy for me to lash out in broad strokes if I don't keep my anger and frustration in check. I don't want to do that here, so I want to make sure to only post on that subject when I'm lucid and calm and in a healthy mental and emotional state.

Thanks again everybody!

[Kizzie]

It took 20 years for me to realize I was injured (I don't call it illness. It was inflicted, not succumbed to) at all

     

A very warm welcome to you Tewaz, you will find many kindred spirits here 

[Tewaz]

Thank you Kizzie!
I don't know how to do the (hugs) emoticon thing, but hugs back to all of you!

Oh hey! Here it is!


Edit: I love your profile picture! I think dogs are just about the best people on the planet! 

[Kizzie]

He is cute isn't he lol?!  I should replace it with one I took yesterday to send to his 'big brother'  and 'father' (H is out of town).  He likes orange peppers and watermelon and has a very colourful beard and moustache right now.  Dogs  really are the best I agree.

Glad you found the emoticons - if you click on the word "More" there are ... well, more. 

[phearial]

*warning, possible triggers, no details*

It took 20 years for me to realize I was injured (I don't call it illness. It was inflicted, not succumbed to)

This is an especially phenomenal insight and one I believe must be practiced daily: I think those like us often confuse the shame and learned helplessness we felt as permission, submission, or a willingness to be injured. It's astoundingly easy to self perpetuate that false belief once it's been planted, especially as a child. The transference and gaslighting done by the abuser is designed to reinforce a belief that we somehow deserved or asked for the abuse, which is patently false. Additionally, succumbing implies a temptation (to be abused) or willingness to not resist (the abuse), which is completely absurd. I do not believe anyone would willingly choose to be hurt when they could instead be loved and accepted. Though, in the absence of love a child(or adult child) might accept abuse as love. Even then, I believe there is always part of us that knows when we're abused and actively cries out against it. That part of us is crucial when undertaking any recovery process.

To add credence to your point of C-PTSD as an injury, I would like to add my insight based on my experience working through having been incested, which I feel might help you: it was done to me and it was not about me. It does not define me. It does not define my worth. The defenses and the behaviors I have exhibited in reaction to it are the natural response to it's violence. The life-damaging consequences and feelings I live with today are evidence of my survival from that abuse. How upset can I really get with evidence that I survived it?

I get that you're mad and ashamed at yourself because you feel you're "not where you're supposed to be" and I sympathize greatly with that. Recovery is filled with all sorts of "not supposed to be's", "should's" and setbacks -- so get comfortable with being uncomfortable until you can accept that they happen. Even though we can become divorced from the environments, circumstances, and people who created our initial injuries, we still have to sort out and deal with it on our own even if it's overwhelming or unfair; that includes old beliefs about ourselves, our feelings, and the world which aren't useful for protecting us anymore or that were imposed by our abusers.

I find treating it as if I were a survivor of a natural disaster helps to orient myself better and focus my energy on my own recovery. After all, you can't really stop or change a traumatic moment from your past any more than you can an earthquake, a tsunami, or a volcano. Are you really willing to go to your grave waiting for a meteor strike to show up in the hopes it will be the parent it never was or that you deserved? You're at where you're at and that's better than okay; you've already survived being a victim of a 'natural' disaster, no reason to blame yourself for it's consequences and the cost it takes to heal from it.

Sorry for the verbose post, I felt pretty strongly about this!