Hi, Looking for Answers

[solitaire]

I am new here. I have never been an active member of an internet forum before, but I don't think I am receiving the support I need right now from anyone in my "real life." I have always felt aware that my past traumas are not super relatable even to those in my life who have experienced traumas of their own. I self-diagnosed as borderline before beginning therapy. My new therapist has suggested that while maybe the two are one in the same,  that I consider reading more about ptsd.

The past few months have been the hardest of my life. I graduated from a good school about a year ago with decent grades, a really solid and wide-reaching network of friends, single (weirdly an accomplishment for me), and a lot of excitement for the future. I took a job in a big city, got an apartment,  and a girlfriend (who felt healthy and good for me, for once). I had a lot of friends in the city. I was about as set as a person can be to blaze forward. I developed an unfortunate bout of depression. I quit the job, gave up the apartment, isolated the friends, left the city, became codependent as * on said girlfriend to the point of severe internal discomfort. I now live back at home on the fold out couch and can't really bring myself to look for food+bev jobs let alone live my life. I fear I will always end up back here.

The irony of the situation is that my mental health really began to decline around the time I decided to cut my extremely toxic parents out of my life. I told them I would call them. I talked myself into moving back to my hometown to "regroup" under the delusion that I would not contact them. I told myself of course I would never find myself living back here. I feel utterly defeated. Did this really happen? Did I really give up a handful of good things, financial independence, my own space, for this?

I have been looking deeper into the source of my dysfunction and ongoing internal anguish. I have always seen myself as strong, as a survivor, but haven't realized that merely surviving, blazing forward, cannot be the sole solution. As soon as I decided to unpack my childhood, I realized I couldn't remember it. This is odd for me, because I believe the last time I came knocking on this proverbial door, I had a much better memory. It seems I have shredded through a lot of pertinent information. I am no longer entirely sure what was so traumatizing. I know that my father is an extreme narcissist. I know that the sound of his voice, the slam of a door, the sound of feet on the stairs, the sound of my parents talking, the sound of my dad yelling from another room (even the most innocuous things - like to ask me if I am home) causes me visceral anxiety. I know that he hurt me physically a few times, but the emotional abuse is hard to pin down. It doesn't seem describable. It feels all encompassing and insidious.

I cannot help but feel like I am made entirely of the disgusting parts of my father, shame, joylessness and the need to push forward/survive in whatever way it takes. Mostly this has just meant foregoing any sense of self, any preference, foregoing risk, calculating decisions to the point that I am not even sure what I want, who I am or where I would be if I actually made choices based on happiness and not desperation.

TLDR: I can't remember much of the past week let alone anything discrete from childhood. My relationships with others have deteriorated in a way I never thought possible (I am, for the first time, almost completely alone. I would generally consider myself a popular person). I'm depressed and anxious but it feels much deeper and more difficult to overcome than a depression episode. All of my coping mechanisms have gotten in the way of my developing any real sense of self. I'm living back at home with my narcissist father (and a mother who is equally baffling), who makes me feel sick, disgusted and upset every minute that we occupy the same home.

I wonder - could anything that bad have really happened? I feel utterly stuck in life. I cannot fathom building a life that reflects who I am and what I want and making it stick.

I am searching for other people who feel the way I feel, who really, really know their parent(s) are not good and do not give love. I am looking for people who have found relief, a way through, who have felt the same level of hopelessness and have found some kind of relief. Does therapy really work? Does taking on responsibility (apartment, job, friendships) again after a breakdown help, or should I wait while I work through things? I feel incredibly fragile. Why now? What opens the floodgates? Could all of this "breaking down" be positive? Do I have to feel this way before I get better? Do these things follow a trajectory? I want to be entirely new because everything I am feels in some way a product of him. Is it ok to want to transform entirely?

Thank you!

[Three Roses]

First of all, welcome - we're glad you're here!

"I wonder - could anything that bad have really happened?"

C.C. Chang said, 'The greater the doubt, the greater the awakening; the smaller the doubt, the smaller the awakening. No doubt, no awakening.'

It doesn't matter who your traumas are "super relatable" to - they've affected you. You can believe that. And after all your accomplishments, I'm so sorry you've had such a setback.

Take a look at our "Resources" section and see if anything jumps out at you. The book by Pete Walker, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" is considered by many of us here to be our go-to reference. "The Body Keeps The Score", by Bessel van Der Kolk, is in my opinion one of the most important books to read concerning CPTSD. In it, he covers everything from how trauma physically affects our brains (not "just" the mind), to why CPTSD isn't even in the current DSM, to different therapies available to us for treatment and why "talk therapy" alone is probably not going to work for us. The audiobook can be listened to at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9Nlrtq4mi4 and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEqDQB6FneU, parts 1 & 2.

Pete Walker's website pete-walker.com also has tons of information and further resources.

Please don't stop seeing yourself as a strong survivor! You still are exactly that. You may have taken a step back, but there are more steps forward ahead of you. This does not negate you having survived your childhood. You're not defeated.

Most of all: your story, while unique, will be echoed in the stories of each person who posts on this forum. We really do understand.

I don't want to swamp you - but if you're up to it tonight or tomorrow, look up "emotional flashback" which is frequently referred to here as EF.

A word of caution in closing - not all healthcare professionals are aware that ptsd and cptsd are different (Dr. van Der Kolk wants cptsd to be called Developmental Trauma Disorder). If you encounter resistance or ignorance, keep looking.

We really are glad to have you here. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story. 

[radical]

Hi Solitaire,
I strongly recommend you ask your therapist to  detail their training and experience in the trauma.  If this is anything less than extensive, get a new therapist,  preferrably a highly trained one, such as a psychologist who specialises in trauma. 

I've just started reading Pete Walker's 'From Surviving to Thriving' and recommend it.  He has a website 'Pete Walker' MA, MFT'.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Solitaire
Thank you for sharing , I can relate so much to what you have/ are going through ... It has been my story at times to have a mental
Health and inner world that feels so unmanageable and this then have profound effect on my outer world- i am not at 'that' place at this time and so I want to share and provide real hope in my experiences..
Quote 'I developed an unfortunate bout of depression ' yes I have had this very bad and plunged into 'losing myself and not being able to cope' the choices that come out of these times have been 'what can I do to survive' I too found myself in my 20's living back at 'home' after leaving at age 18 - part of me liked it 'the comfort in some way' and yet it was toxic of course it was and not healthy for me to be there , walking on egg shells and looking for love in a place it didn't exist ...
When I was stronger I left again and haven't returned since.. Although it was another journey over time of letting go of borderline m and processing relationship with f .

Quote I cannot help but feel like I am made entirely of the disgusting parts of my father, shame, joylessness and the need to push forward/survive in whatever way it takes. Mostly this has just meant foregoing any sense of self, any preference, foregoing risk, calculating decisions to the point that I am not even sure what I want, who I am or where I would be if I actually made choices based on happiness and not desperation.

You have such insight solitaire.
I too can have real insight but I have found when I am in more dis pairing times it can increase my anxiety as I can 'see it all' but feel helpless to do anything to 'get out of it'. I come with a complex mind and my attempt at complex solution can make me feel worse. What I have learnt now is to try and keep it simple ... Work with the practical one action at a time ...
What do I need today ? How can I be kind to myself? How can I get support ? What will make me feel nice - just one small thing
Have u heard of 12 step programme ACOA ( adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional families ) see if there is a meeting in your area - meet people who have some recovery from toxic family and how they have found ways to take care of themselves and grow

Quote 'made up of disgusting parts of father '
I this yr went through this it was like every word and mannerism I did was my m ... I can see now I was just in touch with the damage -
You are not u f and I am not my m - no where near - this is a truth

I reached a point last yr when therapy was so good - I was given 12 wks with a child trauma therapist I left that time feeling 'so together and full of good stuff ' I came of anti dep and after 3 mths crashed really badly I was a shaking women - couldn't cope had time off work - feared losing my place to live and saw my life crumbling - fortunately I got back on meds and have slowly built things back up - I am in a much better place now ...
I don't want to live on medication but for now I do and I know in the future I will come off with the right support at the right time...
Breakdown is breakthrough I believe no matter what my head and feelings tell me ... There has always been light after and it has always passed - but that doesn't help when in it I know ...
Support is important I did extra meetings at that time and found a mental health group too it really helped bring with others and finding ways to cope and move forward

I work a 4 day week at the moment ... Can u take on part time work ? Or do u feel too unwell ?
How about a sort of live in job or cheap rent somewhere and take on a different less challenging type of work ? Could the state help you ? Sickness pay ?

Quote 'is it ok to want to transform entirely '
My experience is 'yes ' and also we are kind and good people already it's just that the psychological disruption interfers with our sense of who we are ....
Finding a kind voice inside ourselves to self soothe is good I have found and writing - keeping a journal really is helpful ( well hidden of course)

Things will get better that is a fact it's what we can do to get the support we need that is important

I am glad you are here

[macandrui]

Hi solitaire

I'm at the beginning of my healing path as well, and can't add much to the other two postings, apart from saying that i have found this forum to be the first safe space where I felt like I wasn't an alien freak. I'm glad you found it too.