Do I have C-PTSD?

[MysteryMe]

I'm new here, and I was just wondering if anybody could help me figure out if I might be suffering from C-PTSD? I'm a seventeen year old girl and I've been (secretly) suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts (and maybe social anxiety?) since I was fourteen years old. For a while I didn't understand why, but lately (like in the past year or so) I've been doing a lot of analysis of my thoughts and memories, and I'm starting to think that I may have experienced (or still am experiencing) abuse, but I really don't know and that's part of the problem.

I have a twin brother and a younger sister (of about two years). I'm also part of a big family, though, with lots of brothers who are very smart but also very competitive, so it leads to a lot of fighting/criticizing/aggressive behavior within my family, but so far everyone just keeps treating it like it's normal. When my twin brother and I were little, the older brothers would tease him a lot, and my guess is that that made him emotionally insecure. Si he started to take that out on me. I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I do know at one point we went from being best friends to him constantly controlling me and putting me down for everything I did 'wrong.' He did the same to my little sister, but instead of her becoming submissive and quiet and ashamed like I did, she responded by becoming loud and aggressive... and of course, because my brother was so powerful already, she aimed all that aggressiveness at me.

I don't want to be dramatic about it, but for a lot of years growing up I was sort of targeted by both of them. Sometimes physically, especially with my little sister (punching, kicking, biting, scratching, choking, also threatening my stuff and breaking things that I worked hard on or cared about) but mostly it was emotional, with a lot of shaming. This led to become a very reserved person, to such an extreme that I've completely isolated all my inner thoughts/emotions/problems from everyone I'm close to. Eventually I sort of got used to the way my siblings were treating me and it began to feel normal, so for a long time I never really thought of it as abuse. When it occurred I just dealt with it, and always felt terrible for a little while, but then I would sort of dissociate and feel better. I think the reason I'm depressed is that all the emotions I pushed down when I was a kid have started coming back again and even though it's been nearly three years of feeling completely alone and unhappy. I wasn't suicidal until about a year ago (my depression gradually worsened over time), and though I'm still completely functional and know I won't ever act on my urges it's just so hard to live this way sometimes. I feel like it's sometimes worse to be both so unhappy and so functional at the same, because nobody's even noticed that anything is wrong, though I guess a lot of that is my own fault for being so reserved. Even the thought of telling anyone how I feel is terrifying to me; I've completely isolated myself emotionally. I'm so private I've written two full-length (greater than 100,000 word) books and have kept them a total secret (and even the fact that I want to be a writer) from everyone that I know, just because I'm afraid of what people will say.

I guess the way I'm explaining everything makes it sound like it's abuse, but honestly, I don't know. I still live with my brother and sister and sometimes they still act the way they used to. They have 'jokes' they make about my appearance and my personality, and a lot of times they'll band together to tease me, but I really don't mind those incidences that much. I think all they're trying to do is get me to play along with them, because I do tend to pull away from their interactions a lot. What I really mind, though, is when my brother starts actually yelling at me for doing something in a way he thinks is weird, or my sister starts loudly criticizing me for how I look or act, but that isn't even that often anymore and I feel like that's almost normal, like it's just sibling rivalry, like EVERYONE has to go through this kind of stuff and I'm just overreacting. I feel so stupid and sensitive sometimes, and things that wouldn't bother normal people bother me so much and I can't understand why.

Also, a part of me thinks I'm just making things up. I have a very blurry memory of what went on during my childhood, just small snippets of negative emotions, and I'm kind of thinking my mind has exaggerated what happened or something. I just don't trust myself. My sister criticizes me but she does that to a lot of people, and she DOES try to spend time with my and even bond, but I'm always so distant and can't bring myself to really try back and it makes me feel so guilty. It's just hard when she keeps going from nice to mean again. Plus the few times I've ever brought up the fact that she's kind of mean to me she tells me it's only because I'M mean to her first, but the thing is, I don't feel like I AM. Sometimes I wonder if maybe she's right, though, and I'm tricking myself into thinking I'm a victim here when really I'm just as bad.

I just don't know, honestly. I'm just so confused and I'm not sure if I can trust myself or my memories. It might make more sense if I could diagnose myself with C-PTSD (which I just discovered an hour ago) but I don't if I really fit, or I've actually even experienced abuse to begin with or just some normal (if a bit aggressive) sibling teasing. I would really appreciate some feedback (sorry for the rambling post!)

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi MysteryMe  and welcome.

Wow, that's quite a story you had to tell. Kudo's for speaking out here. 

I'm not qualified to say whether you are suffering from cPTSD or not, but you certainly describe abusive behavior being directed at you.
Perhaps you already have taken a look at If You are a Child or Youth Who is Experiencing Abuse/Neglect, but if you haven't, there are some links there that may be of help to you. The two on abuse are of particular interest to what you are experiencing.

[...]and I'm starting to think that I may have experienced (or still am experiencing) abuse[...]

I don't want to be dramatic about it, but for a lot of years growing up I was sort of targeted by both of them. Sometimes physically, especially with my little sister (punching, kicking, biting, scratching, choking, also threatening my stuff and breaking things that I worked hard on or cared about) but mostly it was emotional, with a lot of shaming.

That is definitely violent physical abuse, and not just the "choking".

it leads to a lot of fighting/criticizing/aggressive behavior within my family, but so far everyone just keeps treating it like it's normal.[...] and I feel like that's almost normal, like it's just sibling rivalry, like EVERYONE has to go through this kind of stuff and I'm just overreacting. I feel so stupid and sensitive sometimes, and things that wouldn't bother normal people bother me so much and I can't understand why.

A lot what you describe is not 'just sibling rivalry'. Sure in any family there is (sibling) rivalry, but the way it is acted out on you is not OK. You are being hurt, both physically and emotionally/mentally, and that is not normal 'par of the course'.

It's just hard when she keeps going from nice to mean again. Plus the few times I've ever brought up the fact that she's kind of mean to me she tells me it's only because I'M mean to her first

It is hard to get along with people who go from mean to nice to mean again. There is nothing 'wrong' with you there. And if you are being mean to your sister, she could also just tell you that, just like you do with her, no? Being mean to someone who is being mean to you will only make the other go being meaner to you again, and so the 'merry go round' never stops...

These were just a few snippets of your story I wanted to highlight.

There are two people remarkably absent in your story: your parents. What about them? (You don't have to answer that question if you don't feel like it.)

I'm a seventeen year old girl and I've been (secretly) suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts (and maybe social anxiety?) since I was fourteen years old.

That's really tough, and I want to commend you for having so thoughtfully explored the possibilities of abuse you experienced and still are experiencing. You are not 'making that up'. That you have doubts on it is a common reaction to abuse, but you may consider the very fact that you have doubts a firm clue that you are not exaggerating or inventing stuff.

Is there anyone around you who you can confide in? Your doctor? (he's probably obliged to keep it secret , even if you are officially a minor) Some adult at your school, a trustee/confidante/counselor? (probably also bound to some form of confidentially) A teacher you trust and like perhaps?

Here are two articles on "Boundaries". Many people find setting "boundaries" and dealing with them difficult. cPTSD or not, young or old, men or women... I think you'll find these articles interesting and useful.
http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/life-coaching/want-to-boost-your-self-esteem-10-ways-to-establish-personal-boundaries
http://infoselfdevelopment.com/respect-yourself-11-ways-to-set-and-keep-healthy-boundaries/

Welcome again, and again, great for speaking out.  It's important to share the burden you feel pressing on you. You can make it out of the abusive situation your in. 
You go Girl!


Dutch Uncle.

[Jewel]

Hi, MysteryMe.  Hard to follow Dutch Uncle--he's such a great communicator.  But I wanted to respond because your story really touched me.  And after reading your post I found myself wishing that I could have had your insights at 17--it would have save me decades of sorrow and pain.

When I first began therapy in my late 40s, I wasn't aware that I had CPTSD.  I'd never even heard of it.  After working with my therapist for a bit, I learned that my CPTSD resulted from decades of sibling abuse that began when I was very, very young (before I could talk, even--but not before I could remember life events).  I learned from my therapist that sibling-to-sibling abuse is more common than parent-to-child and adult-to-adult abuse combined.  I was shocked at the statistic.  I don't know if sibling abuse is what you experienced, but I can tell you that it's very real and it's so far beyond "sibling rivalry."

I experienced some physical abuse, especially when I was younger, but once I became able to communicate and understand things, the abuse turned almost completely emotional--multiple times a day for decades.  And it really devastated my life.  At 53, I still have a way to go in healing.

I would trust your gut on things.  A bit of teasing is normal.  But to my mind, it should be good-natured and playful.  No one should have to endure meanness, manipulation, and guilt under the guise of "teasing."  Dutch Uncle has some great suggestions.  To that I'd add to perhaps check out some books on sibling abuse.  And if you have an opportunity, I'd seek out a therapist specifically trained in childhood trauma.  You may find that you weren't abused.  Or you may find opportunities for healing if you were. 

Just please don't accept what your siblings have to say if it goes against your gut instincts.  Follow your gut.   

Wishing you peace and all good things.