Hello, I'm new.

[comingtrue]

Hello,

Really glad to have found this forum as there is very little online about cptsd and I have been informally diagnosed by my therapist a couple weeks back.

I've recently left a very emotionally abusive relationship from my husband. He has aspergers which is one of the reasons things took a turn for the worse but he also displays signs of covert narcissism and is sexually deviant. Maybe one day I will find the strength to share my story with you all. It's a long one, so not today!

I have been left a shell of my former self. Death by a thousand paper cuts. His lack of empathy, complete disregard for my needs and screaming meltdowns broke me. I adapted everything I did to make his life easier and try to avoid the inevitable crisises his lack of care and responsibility would put us into. I gave him everything and he gave nothing. If I dared question his behaviour it would end in him blaming me for it. After nearly 8 years I have developed severe depression, anxiety, self-isolation, very low self-esteem, morbid obesity, fear of going outside and suicidal thoughts. To top it off, since leaving I have started experiencing flashbacks, panic attacks and random amnesia.

I have initiated no contact but still find myself fixated on hating myself for allowing this to happen. I am so dusgusted and ashamed that I wasted so many years of my life with someone who simply didn't care. I am living with my parents in a very remote area. I have no money. No friends.  Can't drive. I have nothing. Yet everyone around me tells me just to get on with it and move on. I wish it were that simple. This man has destroyed me.

Thanks for listening.  Han x

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi comingtrue 

Welcome to Out of the Storm. At OOTS, we welcome people who are dealing with cPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell us and I'm glad you have found us. 

I've recently left a very emotionally abusive relationship from my husband. He has aspergers which is one of the reasons things took a turn for the worse but he also displays signs of covert narcissism and is sexually deviant. Maybe one day I will find the strength to share my story with you all. It's a long one, so not today!

I have been left a shell of my former self. Death by a thousand paper cuts.

I can relate to this part of your history, as I too struggle with the effects of being in a long term relationship with somebody who is quite probably Asperger's: my dad.
In fact I have started a thread on the possibly of his Asperger's being a contributing factor in my cPTSD: Autism (incl. Asperger's) in a parent.
Perhaps you'll find some resources of value to you there.
The term "death of a thousand paper cuts" reminded me of this article/chart: Effects of Differing Neuro/Developmental Levels on Neurotypical/Autism Spectrum Adult Relationships

As some of our members are 'on the spectrum' too, we ask that sharing our experiences on what triggered cPTSD in us to be of a personal nature and to shy a way from generalizations. Our experiences are valid in their own right, and as such you're most welcome to share.
Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to ensure this a safe environment for you, and everybody else posting here, and it will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.

Really glad to have found this forum as there is very little online about cptsd and I have been informally diagnosed by my therapist a couple weeks back.

In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries

I have no money. No friends.  Can't drive. I have nothing. Yet everyone around me tells me just to get on with it and move on. I wish it were that simple.

I can relate. One that has been of great value to me personally is: Learned Helplessness

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD,

Dutch Uncle.

[Kizzie]

I've recently left a very emotionally abusive relationship from my husband. 

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS comingtrue       You wrote the above, but also "This man has destroyed me"  and yet you left him.  So although you are feeling at your lowest right now,  you managed to find your way here which suggests there is something still left in you that wants to recover.  I grew up with covert N's and understand completely the death by a thousand cuts. Before the last cut I decided it was them or me and choose me.  I think you have done the same thing so    that is a HUGE step out of the mire.   

[comingtrue]

Thanks for the welcome Dutch Uncle and Kizzie.

I know I should have a feeling if liberation that I left but i don't. Mostly I just feel more trapped and very alone. I am trying to make positive changes but nothing moves me forward and I feel worse. I guess I just have to try and get through every day and take them as they come.

[Kizzie]

Is part of what you're feeling related to being with your parents?  You did mention feeling trapped and I wondered if perhaps they are/are abusive/traumatizing in some manner?

 

[comingtrue]

I think it probably does. If I had been able to get a place of my own, I would have fled to the city in the short term, just to get a sense of feeling alive again. I would still have had no friends but I would have been able to join groups/clubs and try to put myself out there a little to build my circle. But being here, with no life around me (I should add there has been no life around me for many years) and no opportunities to make friends is soul destroying. I want to feel like I am making progress but there are so many physical barriers to this that I have no control over.

My parents left yesterday for a mini-break and do not return until late Sunday. I am not resentful for them going as they booked the trip months before my marriage broke down but being alone, with noone to talk to is awful. It has only been in the last few weeks that I have been able to talk to them about the abuse and to begin with they shrugged it off as me being over-dramatic. I managed to get them to understand that I wasn't being over-dramatic but they just think I should get on with it. I know that if I don't 'get my sh*t together' in the next week or 2 they are going to come down on me like a ton of bricks. There has already been an insinuation that I am being lazy and not thinking about my future. All I am doing is thinking about how to get out of this mess that has become my life. I just can't work any of it out.

I did not realise until this week just how unstable I am right now. Apart from forums and facebook groups, I cannot talk to anyone because they just don't get it

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi coming true
I know what it feels like to be in a tough place mentally / emotionally - I feel that too
I also came out of a relationship and other issues Inc my mental health which have span me to feeling trapped and at times hopeless
What I am doing is taking it one day at a time and really trying hard to not let my mind go into any future thinking ( as this creates fear and overwhelm ). Create a simple but enough list for the day of actions to take - eg shower - meditate - look on Internet for xyz ( whatever is helpful for aiding recovery)
Walk in fresh air - find support group ( I do one for food addiction-
Find a therapist
Speak to doctor etc
look at job situation if u feel able to work ?

Recovery is all about starting with the basics of looking after ourselves ie physical health mental health and social health and taking small actions to aid that --
Also some good advice is to 'be kind to yourself ' now I know that does come naturally to me but I sometimes talk to myself like a small child and say reassuring and gentle things eg 'it's ok we will be ok ' 'we will just do this one thing now and then take a nice bath '
Learning to self accept is a new thing for me and I am starting to do this regardless of my circumstances - my limitations are not 'my fault' I believe this truly - I have worked hard the past 20 yrs to get well and I have had some good success -
It's so easy for my mind to tell me I am a mess and I haven't got anywhere - but that is not true -
We each have this journey of recovery to take and it is not easy I know but with each day we do have choices and there is always light ( even when can't see it)
It's making small steps to feel a sense of control
I know in my heart I want the best for me and I won't stop until I've exhausted it all
A life times work - wanting to feel comfort in myself and my surroundings -
Best wishes to you and I hope you get some hope from here as I do

[MoonHare]

I too am married to an ASD man. Neither of us knew that he was ASD and it was about 4 years or so into our marriage that he got a diagnosis. My husband knows that its not easy living with him at times but one thing I have learnt and that is to take care of me.  If I can I will the  emotional and other support  as much as i can, but with CPTSD I need to take care of me too. I also try to help him see things in a different way that may help him been around others

I moved to the US to be with him and I doubt I will not see England  again as it will cost too much money to set myself up.

Still I don't regret marrying him, he is a good man at heart, but he is different because he is ASD (Aspergers) I am a NT.

We have been married 8.5 years and have a settled home. My H has meltdowns at times when stress builds up, but again I let him vent and one important thing I am learning is not to take things personally. Its been a hard lesson for me but I am coping a lot better. Another thing he has taught me is to tell him what i need. Its not easy for me to do that but again i am learning

I have no blood family so my husband and his family mean a lot to me. I know too that I am really the only person who understands him, again it has taken  me time. ASD can get easily overwhelmed and my H needs down time. For us both its learning to give and take.

I wish you all the best on your journey.