New Here, Uncertain

[BigGreenSee123]

Hi.

In the past I've perused, if not posted on, various message boards - depression, social anxiety, depersonalization/derealization, etc. I feel like I am looking for answers, I feel like I am trying to figure out where I belong. What I mean to say is I don't know that I have C-PTSD. While I have been working with a therapist for a long time she tends not to explicitly refer to any diagnosis (which I am fine with). So, technically speaking, I don't know if I belong here; I feel a bit like an imposter. But, I don't know...

What I do know is descriptions I've read of C-PTSD feel very familiar. I've often relied on Pete Walker's books to make sense of my experience; the concept of "emotional flashback" has always made sense to me. I know I don't trust anyone and have incredible difficulties getting close to people. I know that I am, ironically, both terrified and in desperate need of social connection and care. I know I frequently have bouts of depression. I have social anxiety (though that is improving a bit). I sometimes feel inexplicably panicked. My emotions are odd, vary greatly, cause me considerable discomfort, and are often coped with by sleeping too much or watching a lot of TV.

But I don't know why. I don't know how to explain these things. I am not sure if I belong here mostly because I don't recall anything particularly traumatic in my past. I could make guesses at what life events could have led to such great emotional unrest; but, often, it feels like I am just making up explanations. So, I just don't know quite what's going on.

As I said, I'm not sure I belong here. But it seems like today is one of those days I can't settle down completely, one of those days I find myself trolling the web for answers. I woke up in a bit of a panic. I feel like I haven't calmed. It's not a terrible day, exactly; I have had worse. But I feel anxious and agitated and unfocused and my chest is tight and I don't know what to do with myself.

I guess I was just hoping, regardless of what diagnosis I could be given, that there might be some others who could relate so I'd be able to shake, even if just a little bit, the feeling like I'm stuck with this, alone.

Thanks for listening.

[Trees]

Welcome BigGreenSee123, it sure sounds like you belong here.  Everything you say makes perfect sense to me, sounds very familiar.  A formal diagnosis is not necessary to be on this site.  If you feel like you fit here, you probably do. 

Everyone here has a lot of experience feeling "anxious and agitated and unfocused."  You are not alone!   You deserve to feel safe and at peace, and this is the site where we remind each other of that.  I hope that reading around here will convince you that you are not struggling in isolation.

Big hugs to you     

[Dutch Uncle]

Hello BigGreenSee123 

I see Trees beat me to it. 


I don't have a formal diagnosis of cPTSD either. So far the only diagnosis's I've had that I'm not this, nor that, nor some, nor such. 
But this place has helped me more forward, has brought me more insight than many sessions spend with therapists.

So, welcome, and I hope you'll find this a place and community you feel comfortable in.
If so, please hang around , and share your story if you want and feel comfortable with doing so.

[BigGreenSee123]

Thanks Trees + Dutch Uncle for the warm welcome - it was much-needed, especially on a day like today.

[arpy1]

Welcome, BigGreenSee123.  can relate to a lot of the symptoms you share. not worried about the diagnosis thingy, becos frankly, like so many things that people have been experiencing and suffering through over the years, until DSM decides it 'exists' as a separate entity, firm diagnoses for something like cptsd will remain problematic. 
thankfully, working on the 'if the cap fits' principle a lot of people in the therapeutic community and even in general practice, are deciding on it for themselves as they see people presenting with the symptoms.

i am one of those, and i have basically self diagnosed on the basis of having read loads of research and discovering this is the model that fits my symptoms most fully.    a mad way to go on, but that's the way it is. at least my GP agrees with me, tho we both agree i don't want it on my med notes just now.

however you reach your conclusions, and whatever model you decide best describes you, matters less than the work you have begun to move forward. i hope that finding this site will bring you some reassurance and support. whatever else, you're definitely not on your own.

[woodsgnome]

Hi, I'll echo the sentiments so far.

Formal diagnoses can be helpful, but I feel it's also crucial that people seeking better understanding of what's going on do their own legwork too. This also helps avoid the dependence on the T as guru/guide/god(dess) in murky territory.

Even when I was seeing a T a couple years ago, the most benefit I got for issues was outside that zone, as it were. I mean, one 55-minute period doesn't cover much ground; throw in people-anxiety, cost, and travel and it seems prudent to consider an outside-the-box approach.

Then there's the T's background. Did they learn all the PTSD buzz and leave it at that; or are they familiar with cptsd and open to where that might lead. It's kind of like MDs--did they drop their learning back when they got their degree?

What you've described is what's discussed all over this site. There's lots to poke through, so another useful trait might be patience. The answers are around, but the puzzle pieces are easily lost and might require a further search, 'cause it could be an insight or observation that saves the day when you run across it.

Glad you're here