New and reaching out (possible triggers)

[Lostnafraid]

I guess I really don't know where to start. I'm a 39yr old married mother of 2. I started therapy just this past Tuesday after realizing this monster I have been fighting 34 years alone was just to big.

   I have been a victim of sexual, physical and mental abuse by my brother since the age of 5. The sexual stopped at 10. The physical continued until I got married at 17. The mental continues.

   I have had to keep these secrets pretty much my whole life. My mom knew "things" happened but brushed them off until now that things have gotten raw she learned just how deep "things" were/ are.
I guess it's important to note my brother is 5 1/2 years older than me.

  This is so embarrassing and shameful. I'm trying to get help but am very guarded. I'm hoping to find that with the right help I can one day be atleast partly normal. I apologize if anything I've posted is inappropriate or has caused anyone else pain. I really just need to find others that understand.

[Dutch Uncle]

Welcome Lostnafraid. 

What a tough history you have had.
And how hard it is the abuse continues. 

Awesome of you to have started therapy.
And started your introduction here. 

Great to have you around.

[Hima]

lostanafraid, sorry to hear you lived through all that. Glad you are in therapy... i hope you can find some healing and peace.

hima

[arpy1]

welcome to you, lostnafraid, really relate to how hard it is to break the silence, and i can tell it took a lot of courage to post your first post. respect to you. hope you, like me, will find a safe, non-judgmental refuge on this site. 

[Lostnafraid]

Thank you all for welcoming me. Yes, this is hard to open up about for me. It's gotten very heavy lately. I'm scared to death of what is going to happen by getting help. I don't quite know how to feel. I honestly don't even know who I am. I've always felt like it was just me, like I was born defective or something. I'm just now seeing this in no way was my fault. I'm So scared of what me getting help is going to do to those around me. It's taking a huge toll on my marriage and my mother.

[arpy1]

really really understand where you're coming from, lostnafraid.  and it would be a lie to say it's not going to be a tough road. but you deserve the healing you are pursuing. you deserve it.


i remember feeling i just couldn't get away from my abusive ex husband becos of what it would do to him (i was his carer), and to the kids. it was very hard, i won't lie. but now, nearly 5yrs on, i am so glad i did. he survived, and so did my kids. and my relationship with my kids is stronger than ever. i am so grateful i took the step.

thing is, people do survive, and the up side of my situation is that it taught  my kids a very clear lesson that no one has to put up with abuse. which proved to be vital for my daughter, who learnt out of it the skills she needed to end a relationship with a crazy-maker partner.

be encouraged, and keep going. keep believing that you are doing the right thing. loads of support to you

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello lost afraid
I can identify with 'shame aspect of cptsd
It is something that I feel I am now starting to move away from - it has taken time and understanding - I still get feelings of 'feeling I am a bad person ' but I now can look at them in a different way - they do not consume me -

I used to feel bad for everything - for existing - for being me - being in my own skin - taking up space - not being good enough - not being liked - etc etc

Putting down addictions has been my saving grace - and working with a child trauma specialist who finally ' got it and got me -
I'd had many years of psychotherapy in the past being assigned to work with her was a blessed event

My experience is keep putting in the actions - not giving up ( despite sometimes 'giving up and go and claim your rightful self - well being after trauma and living a good life is all there for us..
I still work on not feeling ' like I'm a bad person ' but a good part of me knows now I am a good person who came from difficult and traumatic circumstances that are not normal
All best wishes to you for your recovery journey

[Lostnafraid]

  Again, thank you guys. I read so much on here for a few days before deciding to post. I took so much comfort in how much support and understanding I was seeing here. My support system has consisted of my Mom and my husband. I can NOT put any of this on my children and have honestly shut everyonelse out.

   While I hate that anyonelse has been effected by things of this nature, I find comfort in finally know there are others who might understand this "craziness" that goes on in my head. The realization that I wasn't just being over sensitive just hit me a week ago. I went to a movie with my husband last weekend. In that movie a boy was being beaten bloody by his brother and being so degradated verbally. My eyes started to sting and I felt so small and sick. It hit me like a brick. My childhood was what horror movies are made of.

  I have always carried this with me. Until just this week though I always felt it was a problem with me. Like, why can't I just let this go and go on? Why do I still let him control me. When he says jump I need to jump and do it with a (fake) smile? Last instance was 10 years ago I loaned him the $$ for a house. I never got re-paid 1 dollar. He called me a month ago saying I needed to meet him at his bank and sign off on his lean because he was moving to another house and needed me to do that so he can get it. Long story short, I bought him a 120k home. Why can't he see that is not right? Why do I allow it?

  He had apologized to my mom for the sexual abuse some time ago. She just recently told me this. I had to ask her, then you KNOW it happened. Why have you continued to expect me to "help" him? Why after protesting for so many years made me feel bad for not wanting to spend Holidays and get togethers with him? I have always given in and went for her. I would always be in a foul mood and slip into a very dark world afterwards.

  I'm so sorry for the length and depth of this. This is still just the tip of the iceberg but man it hurts and feels good at the same time to get some out to some that may get it. Again thank you all for allowing me to let my "secrets" start to come out and not feel like I need to just "shut up" about it. WOW what a mess.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes .. So important to talk about what has happened -
I can't believe how dysfunctional some families are either ... The sickness and the denial that goes on -
Starting to see and realise is good to hear - moving in the right direction

It was so emeshed in my foo that it was as if each member had blinkers and ear plugs in -
And still do may I add __
But I don't  and that is a blessing - de tangling has taken time
I had to realise fully how sick they were and how I needed to start protecting myself
There is no rug in my house nowhere to hide anything anymore

Yes I can identify with that
Quote ' the realisation that I wasn't just being over sensitive ' the ability to be lifted above that and see more clearly -
It then gives choices, space to breathe and real hope