Questioning if it was abuse

[samantha19]

Hi,

I have a problem in that I'm questioning if the childhood abuse I received was really "bad enough".
I became homeless this time one year ago because my abusive boyfriend manipulated me into leaving with him when he was being chucked out because the way my dad treated me, he said, was out of order and he didn't want me living there.
It's so complicated because everyone seemed to take the stance it was just my boyfriend being manipulative and I was completely brainwashed but I always thought my dad was abusive to me in the past so I wasn't brainwashed, just perhaps manipulated into not making the best decisions considering the circumstances.
As well as this my memories don't seem to match up with what my mother and even one of my friends remember happening, so this has got me feeling strange.
I remember my dad throwing my friends laptop down the stairs and it smashing into pieces. That did happen, that's confirmed. But I also remember him kicking me as I lay on the floor and according to my mother and my friend that never actually happened. This conflict of memories led to me feeling very frustrated and possibly insane. I felt very invalidated the whole time too as none of my feelings or experiences were taken seriously, with everyone suggesting I was just manipulated. A friends mother even told me it's normal for parents to treat you like that, basically suggesting I was just being dramatic.
My dad is a lot better with me now, we don't argue or anything much at all, but that doesn't make what happened in the past less real.
I feel like because I didn't have bruises and scars there's no real proof and so many people have downplayed my own experiences and emotions. I am never taken seriously and that makes it worse because then I feel insane.
I remember wishing and hoping that when he hit me it would leave marks so I could show my mum when she came home, but it always hurt, just never enough to leave a lasting mark.
I remember him coming in and throwing my tall shelving unit to the ground and trashing my room because it was messy and I wasn't tidying it up at that moment. I remember this leaving a small cut on my foot. (Which makes me feel again that it's my fault, but I was a child, children do things like that.)
I remember him always just being mad angry, so easily.
I remember him treating my mum really badly, being so demeaning and insulting to her and her family and me having to listen to that.
I remember him just getting into foul moods and you'd know someone would end up getting the brunt of it.
I remember him not passing on calls deliberately when my best friend phoned. He'd tell her I couldn't come to the phone, hang up and then never inform me she called. He didn't want me being friends with her so he always tried to talk me out of our friendship. I also wasn't allowed to stay over at her house because he decided their family were alcoholics and not to be trusted. This is the friend who's laptop got thrown down the stairs in a fit of rage because we were 13, having a sleepover and were a little noisy heading out to go downstairs. But he thought it was my laptop because I was holding it. He didn't seem to have a legit reason for disliking my friend.
I don't remember a lot of what happened I just know that it did. Like how horrible he would be when arguing and the fact he always had to win.
My door was literally knocked off the hinges one time because I locked myself in my room after running away from him. My parents had to lie to the council to get the door fixed.
I've ran out the house taking panic attacks before when he chased me up the stairs. One time I walked halfway to my boyfriends house with no shoes on.
My parents never, ever got me help for my social anxiety, which was/is so severe that a teacher even made a point of telling them at parents night but my dad used it against me to win an argument once by saying "You can't even talk to people" which was incredibly hurtful because it was true but he was spitting it out like that made me useless, when I was already insecure enough and it was probably his fault that I had these issues.
Talking of parents night, when I got a good report he used to start on me for acting all good at school when I'm bad at home. Having a good report wasn't something to be praised for, it was an opportunity to attack me for living a lie, pretending I'm a nice girl at school all day.
The way he treated me it was like he absolutely * hated me.
There was no love in the relationship either. I used to notice how my friends dads were completely different. I knew from a young age that I didn't have the best dad. That sounds so hurtful but that's the way I thought of it in my head- I have the best mum but I know I've not got the best dad. Because he didn't care about me. He wasn't a father. I mean, it used to really gross me out when I saw people on TV being close to their dads. It was so foreign to me and I actually found it disgusting. Like I didn't want to see that I thought it was EW. I know that's messed up.
He would make violent threats too, I remember that. I don't remember the exact wording but it was basically murder threats, although they were used to express anger and not so much a promise that I would be murdered.
Yeah, so I've convinced myself that the abuse was "bad enough" already without asking. I wish I didn't still live here because I want to cut myself off and start afresh where I feel safe. Dredging up these memories doesn't lead to me feeling safe here and my parents still argue a lot which I find horribly triggering. It either makes me really uncontrollably angry or kind of zone out and have a breakdown.
I talk to my mum about my mental health but there's only so much I can tell her because of how to blame my parents are. I know that talking it out is absolutely futile. She already picked staying with him over me when I refused to come home and ended up homeless. I see where her feelings lie on the matter. She'd probably be, on some level, annoyed that I can't just move on and bury my head in the sand like she does. (I love my mum, she just puts up with a lot of things that she shouldn't have.)
I'm finding functioning and having a work life so hard. I'm basically just in survival mode and I'll have to stay like this for quite a bit longer. I need to save up money before I can move out. And I'm not sure I should even be dealing with my memories whilst I still live with my family. I'm not sure what to do.

[Dutch Uncle]

Yes, samantha19, it's abuse. All of these things you remember are abuse.
And any abuse is "bad enough". There is no such thing as "nah, that's not bad, it's OK abuse." 
Your "friends mother" who told you "it's normal for parents to treat you like that" was also being abusive. 
For what it's worth: the mere fact she even said it is a strong indication your memory of this event is NOT warped.

I remember my dad throwing my friends laptop down the stairs and it smashing into pieces. That did happen, that's confirmed.

My door was literally knocked off the hinges one time because I locked myself in my room after running away from him. My parents had to lie to the council to get the door fixed.

a teacher even made a point of telling them at parents night but my dad used it against me to win an argument once by saying "You can't even talk to people" which was incredibly hurtful because it was true

I just highlighted a few factual, undeniable cases of severe abuse you have experienced, abuse that was done to you. You have played no role in this abuse, other than being on the receiving end of it. This has not been in any way or form your doing
All the other memories are as true as these 'undeniable' memories.
What you have experienced (questioning your memory of things) is quite common for those (like us) who have been abused.
I suggest you read these following links on common tactics abusers take:
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/ChaosManufacture.html
http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.html
http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Intimidation.html

I hope your homelessness situation will improve. As far as I gather your boyfriend took you out of your parents home, and then in the end let you live 'on the street'. You have called him "my abusive boyfriend [who] manipulated me into leaving with him". That sounds like a right assessment as well by you.
So while people may tell you he's the 'culprit', that might well be true for what HE has done to you. Just as you rightfully see the abusive behavior of your dad for what it is: abuse.

Take care.

[arpy1]

hey samantha19, just wanted to say  to everything Dutch Uncle put; it was abuse, big time, no question.  you need to hear that validated becos it sounds like these folks have done the classic gaslighting job on you.  it was abuse. no question. and not your fault. at all.

i think you could do with a bit of outside support (so i am glad you have arrived here!) we might not be able to help practically but we can always listen and empathise and share our experiences with you. i find it tremendously helpful myself.

i am just wondering, and i may not be clued up about this but, if you are living in UK and you have a GP, could you bear to talk to him/her about all this? the reason i ask is that the GP may be able to help not only with things like therapy referrals, but also may be able to help you with getting council accommodation on health grounds?? or finding some where to live, if you could get benefits to help with the rent??  i don't know if it would be worth pursuing, but i reckon it might help if you could get away from the house sooner rather than later?

anyway, twas just a thought.  keep posting, this is a good place to vent, and lots of kind folks to support you. big  to you

[tired]

Exposure to violence and angry parents is very damaging to a child.  In addition, the parent rarely comes back and explains it make it understandable to the child.  They become stuck in that confused state of shock.  Then they don't have the freedom of mind to develop normally because their mind is still on the violence. They can't play, learn etc.

I have a feeling your parents didn't give you enough positive experiences like teaching you to do things around the house, helping you socialize, checking on homework.  All the responsibilities of a parent.  They were probably too busy dealing with their own issues to give you positive experiences. 

I tend to call it abuse when the parents know it's wrong but don't care. All parents make mistakes, struggle, have their own issues.  They lash out at their kids then feel horrible.  That's very different from a parent who is just mean and doesn't feel bad about it.  Maybe that's what will clarify it for you.  Do they feel remorse.  Do they know that it was harming you and do they wish to make it better somehow.

[samantha19]

Thank you everyone. I did need to hear that validated in a sense. It's like a relief that other people can see it too. I know it was an abusive situation but when many people downplay it or make you feel like it's not it can lead to you feeling pretty insane.

I understand what you mean Tired. I definitely didn't get enough good experiences. My brother is severely disabled and my parents have depression too so this, coupled with other things like their own marital problems and the abusive behaviours of my dad, didn't lead to a very good upbringing. I don't think they ever really gave me enough attention or care. Maybe I just don't remember but I feel like there wasn't the time. It's not that my mum didn't love or care for me, she did and she showed that, but with my brother being disabled she probably had no time really to teach me things like social skills or whatever. And there was all the bad experiences too. So overall, really not good.

That's true. It makes me feel better to be able to understand and therefore forgive a little. I'm not sure about my dad because he has never apologised and never seemed capable of giving an apology but he's like came a long way. He does treat me alright now, we actually never even argue or anything. We get along quite well on the surface, but there's still a major distance because of everything that happened. My parents still argue and he like goes out of his way to be nice to me. I think he tries to make up for being * in the past but he can't just say sorry or talk about it so it's like he tries to be nice in other ways. It's a weird situation but I do think he feels really bad. It's like he had anger and control problems but he does seem to have become conscious of that. I get that impression. There's still such a distance but I feel like my mum definitely wants us all to get along, be happy and help with that. And my dad seems to be alright now too. But at the same time I can't trust him after it all. There's like a guard up, we will never be close.

Sometimes it's like I get triggered and I think my family are all just evil and it's the same as it felt back then. I guess that's PTSD. I feel like that girl again; angry and filled with injustice and upset and trapped. Desperate to run away / move out / get out. It kinds of blows things out of proportion as well, makes me feel how I felt as a child. I guess that lines up with the whole inner child thing I'm seeing dotted around.

I've been to see my GP and I've not asked about housing, but I am getting referred to a psychologist. I think it's the start of a road to understanding for me. This page and group has helped a lot even just in clarifying my symptoms so that I can begin to deal with them. That's very hopeful.

Thank you again, everyone. It really helps. This group feels like therapy 

wishing you all the best

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi samantha19, great you have found some comfort here.

on getting the psych referral from your GP. It's a nice step forward.

I hope and wish you'll find this place an asset in times to come. Feel free to hang around and share, or just read a bit here and there if you feel like it.

You're most welcome,