Hello CPTSD group :) generally disturbing, certainly triggers

[PaintedBlack]

Hi all,

I've tried to whittle my story down and it's so long even when edited a lot...  So I'm just going to give a gist and you'll get to know more details as time goes on I'm sure.  I find myself here after checking out a lot of communities and finding that this one seems the most appropriate for me.  Thanks for having me and my heart aches for all of us here in this situation.  I want to give enough information that you know we know we understand where we are coming from.  If it is too much, I apologize in advance.

My mother is borderline.  She confessed something to me when I was 12 and then developed a psychotic delusional thing about me, that I would ruin her life with this information.  The confession was so graphic and horrifying and deadly, that I blocked it.  But she became terrified that I would tell someone.  My dad died when I was 13, and I didn't find out until the day after, no one prepared me and she disallowed us (me, brother, sister) to speak of it.  No service, buried ashes in front yard.  She set out to destroy my life by telling everyone horrible things about me.  Raped at 14, I was told never to tell her about it before I could get the first sentence out.  She treated me horribly for the next 2 years that I lived there, and I was in a trance - fully dissociated and shocked because of these things.  At 16 the day I graduated high school, with no idea this was coming, I came home and everything I owned was on the lawn and the doors were locked.  Thus began my adult life.

I worked, lived in various places, and in the next few years, there was another rape, pregnancy (gave baby up for adoption), drug-induced near death seizure, fire that destroyed where I was living and 3 pets, and some other stuff.  At 18 she told me to go to a lawyer's office to sign some papers and pick up a check for 18 thousand dollars.  I realized years later I signed away my rights to my fathers multi-million dollar estate.  My brother and sister went to college, got advanced degrees, had things like airplanes and trips to Europe, and every opportunity that a person could have.  That my father wanted for all of us.  Meanwhile I barely could afford to feed myself.  Every time we interacted, it ended with her berating me, scorning me, hating me.

I struggled with all the PTSD symptoms, migraines, panic, shame, emotional regulation, etc.  I tried to make sense and win my mother's love back.  I thought she hated me because I had fallen into self-medication and other "sinful" type stuff, I didn't know about all of her horrid past or the role this confession played until recently.  I longed for her to love me again and thought somewhere, on some level she was capable of it.  I know now that she made every effort, willfully to delete me from her family's life and in fact wished somehow I would die to save her from her own miserable * that lives in her head.

Eventually I became no contact.  All I knew is that every time I came back to her, she would s*** on me and it would take months to recover.  I couldn't afford that because I had to survive.  For the past 15 years, I've spoken to her a handful of times.  I have had a successful career and slowly as I learned that people are not all like her, I felt more "normal".  But still unbeknownst to me I was completely dissociated.  I made it work.  I drove a robot (my body) from somewhere inside my head.  It was physically painful and hard to do many things that seemed to come naturally to everyone else.

About 18 months ago she contacted me.  It was a nine-month attempt at a relationship that ended up being the worst interaction with her ever, but my adult self saw for the first time, and my therapist and husband were able to understand for the first time what I lived with.  She gave me false hope that she loved me, and it was very difficult but I tried so hard to make it work. But in the end it turned out that it was all about her.  My brother was getting married, she is very vain, and she contacted me to establish a relationship so that she could say something about me to people who asked at the wedding.  She got me to to meet her in Boston where she was having cosmetic surgery (told me it was medically necessary tho), so she would look beautiful for the wedding.  All the time taking extra care in making sure I never found out about the wedding, because I was not invited to this "secret wedding."  I could write alot about the drama and lies and evil in this whole secret wedding mess, but I won't bother.  In the end, the day after the wedding she told me about it, screamed and yelled at me about how awful I am,  how my daddy would have told her, to tell me to "f*** myself,"  how I hurt her over and over, and disowned a cousin from the family because in a round about way she is the reason I found out.

Through all of this misery we (therapist and I) began to understand her as BPD.  I read the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother."  I was amazed to see my mother described there in perfection.  I read about a girl who had "been dissociated for 12 months while a teenager."  The next day as I was walking to my car from class, I was thinking about this.  I had thought this before and thought it again:  "How could a person feel more disconnected from their body, than they already are?"  The second I thought it the lightbulb came on.  We're not supposed to feel that way.  I stopped and thought, cried out for help, and in a huge wave I personalized.  I couldn't drive, I felt heavy, all the sounds were loud and I felt like I was in a tunnel.  I felt the wind for the first time, my whole body tingled, and I felt as if there was matter in my head (my brain).  It lasted about 1.5 hours.  With the help of my therapist, I repersonalized over the next few weeks, and wrote thousands of entries in a journal about the experience.  It was glorious.  Seeing in 3D, hearing in stereo, feeling my own muscles, I could go on and on.  My older half sister put the missing puzzle piece together when she realized I didn't know about my mom's confession, and told me about it.  Mom had told her too, trying to figure out how to untell me, but my half-sister was so horrified as well that my mother also erased her from her life.

I was in a car accident and had a bad concussion which slowed down my healing for several months.  But now I am doing much better with the depersonalization disorder.  And now I am looking back at my life and reprocessing everything.  It's brutal but it's better than what I was doing before (caught in an existential time-loop of misery).  I have read lots of books and have a new understanding about my mother's illness and my own psychological problems.  I am trying very hard to move on.  I want to THRIVE.  I want to make good of my life, to help people, to be a good wife.  It's hard.  I still have nightmares, sleeping problems, emotional flashbacks.  I have a lot to give, but I need a lot of help too.  From trauma processing - to small things like how to keep my mind on track to clean my house.

From what I've seen there are people like me here and I look forward to getting to know you all better.  I'm so sorry for all you've been through and I know your struggle is monumental.  Thank you for accepting me.  For the first time in my life I am actively seeking out people who are like myself - before I couldn't fathom that anyone was like me.  Nice to meet you.

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks for sharing your story.
It'll be great to have you around. 

[Kizzie]

A very warm welcome to OOTS PaintedBlack, I'm so glad you are reaching out here and I hope you will find the information, support and encouragement you are looking for. 

I am constantly amazed by how much we can endure and keep going, but it speaks to our courage and you certainly have a lion's share of that.  In spite of the most important person in the world rejecting and abandoning you again and again you are here and well into recovery - that....is....simply....amazing    If you are having a bad time of things remind yourself of that and consider how far that energy and persistence and courage will take you now that you know about PDs and CPTSD.

I am LC with my NPDM and NC with the rest of my PD FOO and associated FM's and it has made a huge difference in my recovery - I can focus on it/me instead of managing them, fighting EFs.  Are you back to NC again with your M? 

[PaintedBlack]

Thanks for the welcome. yes after the last time I spoke with her, she was repeatedly screaming you're hurting me you're hurting me you're hurting me. Saying she was going to kill herself she didn't want to live. finally I said I wasn't trying to hurt her and if that's what she was thinking, then I should hang up.  later I became worried and tried to contact her several times, but with no answers. Finally I emailed my brother to check on her, & I didn't get a reply from him either. I found out through my cousin that she sent a letter to several people and named a list of people they were to never speak to to again.  that was about 8 months ago now. I know that the longer I go without speaking with her, the healthier I am. For so long I've been asking for pictures of my dad. I only have one picture of him and a few little things that belonged to him. I don't see any reason to be in contact with her family again, my biggest sadness is that I will never get pictures or any of his things. also to know that all the people I loved and considered family in my childhood know nothing of me accept what she is told them for the past 30 years.  And she has some sort of grip on everyone, no one would dare question her.  it's very complicated and convoluted in my mind, even though I understand a lot better, my little girl inside me still lives in havoc about so many things. And misses her mommy.

somehow I have to repair it myself, so that I miss her less. because logic tells me she will never come back and be my mom. I have to get to the point where I believe that 100%.  it's my primary goal in life, at least this week.  next week, something else about this mess will seem like the most important thing. Haha

[Bluevermonter]

Wow, paintedblack.  Sounds as if your mom dumped her worst experience on you in an attempt to get rid of it.  Get rid of you and whatever she confessed will magically go away.

Of courses it doesn't work and you have paid a terrible price for her ill-logic.

I want to thank you for your post.  My cptsd ex frequently talked about not liking to be in her body.  One of her nicknames for herself was Sister Mary St. Cloud bc that gave her the sense of not being on earth and grounded. 

As I read your story I realize she was struggling w chronic dissociation as she often talked about wanting to be airy and light, and not being in her body.  She also had a strong belief in angels and now that makes sense to me as well.

She was LC with her mom, who caused most of her CPTSD, IMHO.  But without serious therapy where her mom was the focus, the LC didn't really help her address her trauma.

Ironically, as she went off the rails, she became more like her pd mom, IMHO, and ended our r/ s nearly exactly the way her mom ended her r/s w her dad.

I have not heard from ex since she left and can only wonder if she has the courage to do what you are doing to heal yourself.

I am sure your road to happiness will be long, but I also wish you hope and success on your journey.

[Trees]

Welcome, PaintedBlack!  Your story is mesmerizing.  I am very glad you are here.  I also was "raised" by a brutally scapegoating mother.  Fortunately, mine is dead now.  But remaining relatives still see me as she described me, so I am in no-contact with all of them.  But it still hurts knowing there are people out there who think so little of me because of my mother's back-stabbing.

I am sorry for all your pain, but I am so glad to meet you here on this site where we can empathize with each other and send lots of hugs...

[PaintedBlack]

BlueVT, I'm sorry to hear of your ex's chronic dissociation. I'm so amazed to find that depersonalization is such a crippling disorder, and now have met many through a Facebook group, most of whom are stuck in an existential nightmare,  remembering what it was like before they dissociated, but being unable to be personalized, sometimes for years and decades. And it's difficult to find a therapist who even understands it, diagnoses it, or any medications that give relief. I consider myself fortunate that once I realized the problem, I was able to address it with an internal dialogue (mostly). We believe I also have what they call DDNOS or OSDD, which is sort of like a stage before dissociative identity disorder. Alter emotional states exist but are aware of each other. I have been working on merging these states and learning how we can all work together, so I am becoming more and more whole. Just these past weeks I have learned of the concept of the inner critic, and have been trying to communicate with this part of my psyche. To help it understand how much my mother effected her logic, and how we can correct it. I also hope your ex somehow finds a road toward freedom from this debilitating condition.

Fortunately, mine is dead now.

Trees, thank you for this. Prior to twelve, my mother and I were so very bonded, and I adore her. If, for example, both my parents had died in a car accident, I would have gotten help. I would have grieved properly, it would have been hard but I would have gotten through it a lot better and earlier in life. I can see that you intuitively know this.  I'm so sorry you are the scapegoat, but thankful it is more "in the past" for you, at least with your mother, instead of a constant "state." In fact this is the hardest part about it for me.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi painted black
Thank you for sharing - I didn't know anyone was like me either until I joined Facebook page and heard others sharing ...
I've been nc for 7 yrs and was the best decision I ever made - when I hear about someone else's mother I am wide eyed in disbelief and then I realise it's my past story too -
I finally feel I am moving on - truly moving on - I am seeing a child trauma therapist and she is really good and I've learnt so much -
I've had a lot of mental ill health over the past and addiction problems but now I definitely am on steady ground it feels amazing to feel the sun on my face and the terror in its place ..
The damage from having a bpd mother is just shocking and I can't quite believe I survived - but we did and we are carving a better life and it is a commend to our strength and integrity
I wish u all the v best on your new journey x