Hey.

[T.durden]

Hi everyone. I'm new here and still trying to figure a lot of this out. For most of my life I didn't really think of what happened to me as trauma. It was just my childhood and I dealt with it however I could. The problem is that a lot of the ways I learned to cope back then are still very much with me now. The people who should have made me feel safe were also the source of a lot of the hurt, so I learned to shut down, keep things inside and get through it on my own.

I struggle a lot with freezing, emotional flashbacks, exhaustion and feeling alone. The flashbacks aren't usually like reliving a specific event. It's more like suddenly being right back in the feelings of being worthless or unwanted. I know where some of it comes from now, but knowing that doesn't necessarily make the feeling go away. I can also seem perfectly functional while feeling completely drained or disconnected inside. I want closer friendships and people in my life, but that's difficult when isolating and protecting myself have been normal for so long.

I don't really know what recovery is going to look like for me yet. I've been trying yoga, stretching, meditation, getting outside more and learning about trauma and the nervous system. I'm also trying to actually notice what I'm feeling instead of immediately burying it. Mostly I want to learn how to relax, feel connected to people and have things in my life that I genuinely look forward to. I found this forum because I wanted to hear from people who actually understand what this is like, rather than trying to explain it to someone who doesn't.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I was glad to read your final paragraph because I think all of the things you are experimenting with are good things to try. Some may not work for you, and some may take some time so it's worth sticking with things that don't feel obviously unhelpful in case they improve.

Your first 2 paragraphs resonate. It can be very difficult to adjust or abandon coping mechanisms that were once vital but now don't serve you.

I'm glad you found us.

[Kizzie]

Hi T.durden and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm!   

Like Narc Kiddo, I think what you're already doing are really good things, including coming here and sharing with other survivors. The community here is quite supportive and best of all they get it because CPTSD symptoms are common to us all.

You may want to consider a therapist who is knowledgeable about CPTSD (although they can be difficult to find) to help you through feeling your feelings, remembering, etc. We stuff our abuse down for a reason so having professional help to bring it to the surface and deal with it can really help in recovery.

Kizzie

 

[T.durden]

I am currently seeing a therapist for EMDR. I just started seeing him again after a 2 year break.