Mental Health struggles while married

[laurrrr]

Hi all,
I love my wife with all my heart, and we have no intention of this coming between us.
My wife and I get along very well, and generally enjoy each other's company. However, I come with a lotttt of baggage, and this is the first time in my life I have not been in abuse. She comes from the opposite upbringing,  and has had very little adversity in her life. She has her own mental health struggles, but she finds it very difficult to help me or witness me navigating my own. I have been supportive and by her side during difficult times for her depression/OCD.  We have been together for two years and she is getting frustrated that I am not making substantial progress. I am in EMDR therapy, have meds, and am doing the coping tools (yoga, journaling, hobbies, etc) to help lessen my symptoms.

I try to navigate my CPTSD symptoms on my own, to not burden her with any of the intense content of my flashbacks and panic, but she expressed that it is draining for her when I am freaked out and unable to tell her what I need. I tend to verbally shut down when in a full blown panic attack, and just try to ride it out. She said it feels like she is my caretaker, and she doesn't like the responsibility that falls onto her.

I have trouble with relaxing in the evenings, and due to some life circumstances, my flashbacks and panic attacks are pretty frequent in the past month or so. I check in often with her when she is quiet because it makes me very anxious, and she feels as if I am smothering her with worry.

she expressed these concerns in a kind way, but it still triggered my past. I have had people throw my CPTSD in my face and then leave, saying its too much or accusing me of making it up. I am working on not being so anxious, and I am doing all of the coping tools that my therapist has given me. I don't know how to express needs and compromise on how we can support each other without feeling like I am being needy and selfish. I don't want her to feel the burden of my mental health, but I also can't stop having CPTSD.

Wanted to vent, or hear advice, or just see if anyone else has experienced this.
Thanks!!

[HannahOne]

Hi Laurrr,

I hear that your wife want you to "make progress" so she doesn't feel so stressed. At the same time, it doesn't seem fair to rush your healing and you seem to be doing all the things you can do take care of yourself, therapy, medication, coping tools.

It makes sense you'd be triggered when she expresses unhappiness with feeling like a caretaker or when she doesn't respond and wants some space.

It doesn't seem like she is caretaking though? You just ride it out? I get that you like to check in with her a lot and she finds that to be too much.

I found reading about attachment styles really was eye opening for me. Anxious attached people check in a lot and that can frustrate more secure or avoidant attached people. And, it's a dance, it takes two to tango. You're not needy and selfish for needing to check in; she's not selfish to want her own private time in the evening or not to always be in caregiving mode.

I just read a good book on negotiating called "getting to yes." It's not about marriage, but the idea of finding out what shared interest we had and going from there was helpful. IE, we both wanted time together, and we both wanted time apart, neither wanted to always be the giver, we wanted to take turns caring for each other. In our case, we decided that 4 nights out of 7 we would reach out to others if we needed support: siblings, friends, the forum here. And 3 nights out of 7 we would take turns supporting each other. For us this balance was helpful as we then had time together that wasn't all about me being upset or him needing some kind of help, more of our time together was about us, fun, work. And we also widened our scope of support, which actually made each of us stronger. It's tempting to rely only on my partner for everything but he cannot be everything to me 24-7, and he's tempted to rely on my for everything too but I can't be at his beck and call 24-7 either. Reminding ourselves we had other options besides each other helped us.

[Kizzie]

  I like Hannah's idea of coming up with a mutually agreeable plan that recognizes the needs and wants of both of you. If that proves difficult then maybe consider a family counsellor/therapist to give you a hand.

[laurrrr]

Thank you both! That is incredibly helpful, and gives me some actionable ways to find common ground with this, but still make space for my healing! I appreciate y'all