CPTSD and dating

[Serenity0121]

Hi - I recently joined this forum and wanted to get insight from anyone who has experienced difficulties with dating and romantic relationships because of CPTSD.

To give a background, I grew up in a loving family, but my mom was psychologically abusive with narcissistic tendencies. I've always struggled in my relationship with her (never knowing what mood she would be in, trying to take care of her emotional needs before my own, trying to gain back power and ending up in arguments). She often blames, criticizes, manipulates, gaslights, shames, guilt-trips, etc. She actually is still the same, so I recently have had no contact in order to start my healing process. It's difficult because I have internalized so much of how she parented, that her voice has become my own.

I'm currently 38F and single for the last 1.5 years. What I have found through my recent revelations is that my past relationships with guys now make a lot more sense. I've been with a few men with narcissistic tendencies and one that was an actual psychopath (according to what I've learned about psychological abuse so far). They also all struggled with some kind of addiction. I put their needs above my own. Although I try to be grateful for what I've been through, I'm experiencing a lot of mental struggle because I feel like I'm running out of time to have a family. I'm scared to date, in fear that I will only be attracted to men that have these issues. Because of my CPTSD, I can sometimes fall down rabbit holes of toxic shame, thinking there's something wrong with me and I'll never be able to find a healthy relationship. My mom has also judged the guys I've dated, so I have fear around introducing someone if they don't fit societal expectations (ie their job, their history, etc).

There are things that help my mind to a certain extent - my spirituality, a few good friends, and especially moving my body. I think my nervous system is often in survival mode and I suppress feelings, so when I work out or do physical activities I feel a lot better. But only temporarily.

I just want to gain back confidence in myself so that I can date again, knowing I will choose and be attracted to a good man. There is someone that I went out with twice recently, which was very unexpected. He's a restaurant manager and I had told my mom that I had a crush on him once a long time ago. She was very disturbed by it and didn't speak the rest of dinner.

I haven't told anyone except a few friends. I'm already having anxiety about it, because I don't know why I end up being attracted to the guys that I am. I've tried dating sites in the past but they're honestly the worst. I don't trust myself at all to make good decisions, and the outside pressure clouds my judgement as well. I don't even know if I'm capable of a healthy relationships because of my CPTSD.

Sorry for the word vomit. If anyone has any suggestions or advice regarding this, I'd really appreciate it!

[Kizzie]

Hey Serenity, I can certainly understand your fear and hesitation when it comes to dating, especially when you don't yet trust yourself about whom you choose. You said you like to do physical activities and I wonder if that's a good way to meet men and over time see what they're like and whether they would be suitable to date. I'm thinking of activities where you can talk to other members and get to know them over time like a hiking or indoor climbing club. It would give you some time to get to know the person and get a feel for their character.   

Also, you might want to take a hard look at who you've been attracted to in the past and why things went wrong so you can avoid picking a similar person. And then maybe list out the qualities you feel would be better to look for.  It will likely take some work but being clearer about who you've chosen and why in the past might point you toward who is a better choice.

One other suggestion I have is maybe don't tell your M about anyone you're dating.That's probably a moot point given you've gone no or low contact but the last thing you need is for her to try and sabotage things.

[zen_racer]

Hi Serenity.  50 year old male here.  I'm currently dating someone for the first time in a long time, and the first time since I found out about cptsd.  I can relate a lot to what you said.  I'd given up dating completely for a very long time.  I don't know if I'm making the right choice or not, but I've found that my eyes are a little more open to red flags I would've ignored before.  I can also say that I was pretty upfront about currently working on myself and being on a journey of self growth.  She made me feel very safe in being open about it, and has been nothing but supportive.  To me, that makes it feel a lot different than times in the past.

About the only advice I could give is to read up on the types of behaviors that cptsd causes that would affect dating and relationships.  I think even just being aware of how it causes people to repeat behaviors, seek out similar relationships, and how it affects the way you see relationships can really help without having "recovered" yet.  But maybe I'm just being hopeful because of my situation. 

As Kizzie said, at least in my experience, I won't tell my M about dating.