Being a human being

[Alexandra]

Hello ; I now feel comfortable to bring this up, there is a world of difference for me ,between what I am namely, a human being and who I am ,which is not human, frankly, seeing both what I went through ,and have to live with ,I am not cut out to be a human being ,it is to violent for me , frankly ,I do not like being a human being either , it is what I am ,so I do my best ,humans are not, in my experience ,a soft kind caring or loving species , when I think about who I am , a big softy, people say I have the sweetness gene , and that I bare no resemblance to the life I was forced to live ,and I  do not, believe in any thing to do with the way I was treated , I belong in some other world ,by the way the abuse was not just my so-called mother, society can be very abusive as well ,as I found out starting age 12 I was part of the forced bused program,a lot of people think that only black children were forced bused , not so, I am white and was forced bused , I was the only white child in my classes  I was beaten up robbed, treated with hostility , I was forced bused to junior high staring at age 12 and then through high school, there was a murder in the school yard, when I was 12, I found out that society  can not ,be trusted to be interested in children's welfare either society looks at children as cannon fader for their social engineering projects, I have C-PTSD from that, as well. From time to time I have run into a combat vet. I say to them you never forget the smell ,they grab my hand , actors can try on TV to convey being stabbed,it is an act ,they can not convey the smell that stays with you . Thank you for reading this.

[Moondance]

Hi Alexandra,

I'm so very sorry for all the pain and tremendous betrayal you have experienced in your life Alexandra.  It should not have happened to you. You did not deserve any of this. I realize you may know this - I say it more as a confirmation of what you already know to be true.

I can, of course, relate with you on this as well.  The continued abuse, trauma endured often brings us to a place of isolation. A safe place.

After being diagnosed several years ago and years of isolation I am just know
feeling that my nervous system is relaxing a bit.  Which then allows room for more healing, deeper healing.  I long for that.

My mind/thoughts still go back and forth with "not safe out there" to "maybe I will venture out a little bit now that I feel a bit safer". However, I do not have a desire to be a "big" part of it yet and perhaps never will.  That is okay with me.

[NarcKiddo]

Wow. I had never heard of the forced bus program. I have just read a little about it on Wiki. I can imagine it was a horrible experience. I am sorry you had to go through it. I am sorry anybody had to go through it.

[Alexandra]

Hello ; Forced bussing was a program presumably to desegregate the public schools, it ran from the 1960's through the 1990's, not being a mind reader ,I can not speak to the actual motivation, however, the execution was at best very poorly thought out. Fortunately, I do know some nice people, they are out there, however it feels to me, both from my personal experience and from what I have witnessed ,that humans are divided into three groups for the most part, predators  , those who support predators,who see them as victims of society ,people who do not believe in people taking personal responsibility for their violent ,behavior, " the gun went off " theory  and prey, people like me and you folks, I am not now ,ever been ,and have no desire to be ,a predator  , I do not see predators as victims of society,I believe in taking personal responsibility for behavior ,I have been overwhelmed being prey, so I do not fit in. Frankly, I do not like being a human being ,it does not feel good to me ,or like a safe species to me, as I say I have met some very nice people, however doing that is pot luck, I want stability ,if I could ,I would live somewhere where people believe in agreed upon rules of social behavior , as I know some nice people , I do believe that there must be places out there like that. sigh.