New here

[BK]

Hi, BK here. I'm new here and just found this site.

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD several years ago, but I don't remember this diagnosis because I was so mentally unwell and my memory was really bad. I got a copy of a report more recently, saw the diagnosis, and then it took me about a year from then to realise / gain the awareness that yes, this is what I suffer with.

I am about to see a new psychologist next week after several months of not having a therapist. I have put off therapy partly because of money, but also because I find it really frustrating trying to find someone who gets me and who I gel with. I have seen many therapists who haven't healed their own emotional issues and/or have claimed to be specialised in trauma, but have had little or no understanding of complex PTSD. Because of this, I have been re-traumatised multiple times, which has made me apprehensive about starting again. At the same time, I do have some hope, as I really want to find someone who can help me. I currently don't have any support, and this is something I really want and need.

I've recently gone back to work after a year of not working due to fatigue from my complex PTSD. I've found part-time work, as full time is just too much for me, and my main reason is to be able to afford therapy.

In the last two years, I've had two more traumatic experiences, and since then I have isolated myself. It took me several months to realise that I was doing this to keep myself safe, protect my system from more danger, and because I was in a constant hypervigilant state. I find even basic interactions quite stressful and painful, but it's something I want to work on with a psychologist because I do want a life where I can have relationships that don't cause me so much anxiety and pain.

A positive is that this time alone has helped me build a better relationship with myself, but at times I am extremely lonely.

A year ago, I ended all contact with my family, which was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I know I made the right decision for me, even though my mind still tells me the opposite at times. I've started to trust my body more—when I check in about being back in contact with my family, it's a clear no. There is still a big part of me that carries shame and tells me I did the wrong thing, but I believe most of this is from old conditioning. I notice my system is a lot calmer without them in my life, and I just trust that.

I don't currently have any friends, and I know that I yearn to have just one or two deep, meaningful relationships with people. I find it very hard to find people that I gel with, and I can see that my past trauma can cloud how I interpret interactions. I don't always see clearly what people are trying to say to me or what their intentions are.

Even small interactions, I leave and go over and over them, trying to work out what someone meant or what I should or shouldn't have said. This is extremely exhausting. Even though I have some self-compassion now, which I never had growing up, my inner critic can still feel quite ruthless at times.

Growing up, I played a lot of sport, and I realise now that it was often a crutch that helped me get through things. During my 20s and into my 30s, I didn't exercise at all, but in the last year I've got back into it. My relationship with exercise is much healthier now, and it has honestly been a lifesaver at times. I exercise regularly, and it really helps my mood and has given me a bit of purpose again, which I'm grateful for.

So I just wanted to share a bit about me and my situation. I'm really glad I'm able to share in this space. 🙂

[Alexandra]

Hello BK ;Welcome , you are not alone, what you said ,resonates with me, I know how hard it feels and to end contact with your family, your health is the important thing. I use things to help me, they are self care, I exercise which is healthy for your body and mind ,there is music,I listen to that calms me , there are books ,that I read, I have friends in books, I read about the people and am safe ,since I am not interacting with them ,also I find reading about interaction, has taught me, better skills, I would be willing to bet that your abuser ,did not allow you to have a personal life, I know for me, it was hard to develop one , I had to spend time thinking about me, what I like etc. it felt good to me to think about what I like doing . Your are in the right place, people here like me, deal with the same things , Welcome

[BK]

Hi Alexandra,
Thanks for your reply. I relate when you said you have friends in books, but mine are in shows. It wasn't that I wasn't allowed to have a personal life growing up, but I kind of just followed along with what my family valued, which was sport and academics. And I did these with the hope that by doing them, and doing them very well, that I would get the love and praise I always yearned for. But of course this rarely happened. A lot of my life has felt very performative based because of the family system I was brought up in. Only in the last year have I realized I don't have to do things to be good at them, I don't even need to be good at them at all, I just need to enjoy them. I relate when you talk about thinking about yourself and what you like. This is what I have been doing too for the last few years, and I too enjoy this.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

Your desire for a close friend or two resonates. I also think I would like that, but I also know myself well enough that I realise what a very slow process that would have to be. I'm sticking with the casual interactions for now, but trying to increase them (maybe even start a conversation in the gym locker room!) so as to make them feel more normal and fulfilling. I also used to analyse every interaction but that happens less frequently as I do more interacting.

I'm glad you've got back into exercise. I find it very helpful and calming.

[Moondance]

Welcome BK,

I could have written what you have shared word for word.

In particular the isolation due to constant ruminating after any interactions. And a desire for 1 or two close relationships. And the FOO (family of origin) stuff you share resonates as well. 

I wish you well on your journey and hope that being here helps you. 

You are definitely not alone.

 

[TheBigBlue]

Welcome, BK 

I'm really glad you're here. What you shared makes a lot of sense,  especially the hesitation around therapy after being retraumatized, and the mix of hope and caution about trying again.

It also sounds like you've done some really important work on your own, learning to listen to your body, protecting yourself, and finding things like exercise that support you. None of that is small.

The loneliness you describe is something many people here understand. You're not alone in that, even if it feels that way day to day.

I hope this space can feel like a steady place while you figure out next steps with therapy and support. 💛

[BK]

Thanks everyone for your replies