Caught off guard (trigger warning)

[JenWest987]

Hello all. I'm introducing myself. This thing, C PTSD. Has caught me off guard. I knew I had a rough childhood. But didn't realize that I've been stuck in functional freeze. And when I crash and burn, repeatedly, a flop. Or overreact. When I'm angry and I have to get in someone's face. And I mean HAVE TO. It isn't optional. Predictive answering. Down to the arguments I've had with my husband. I'll leave first, that way you can't hurt me. But Complex PTSD?

I recently went from perimenopause to menopause. I attributed my emotional overload, (which included an attempt. My third) in my mid-40s to hormone adjustment. Now, I'm faced with it again. And it is worse. Impairing my ability to push through. I cannot make my self to do anything. I get stuck. Bullying myself makes me further entrenched. To the point where I physically fold in on myself. I don't understand it. My brain and everyone else thinks I should be able to handle this. But I utterly cannot. Self-critical does not begin to describe what my brain is saying to me.

Now, I am at the predicable conclusion of a crash. The burn. The mindset that they would all be better off without the problem.

Can anyone suggest a good intervention? How do I explain this to people? I don't fully understand let alone believe it. It's been 45 years since I was that 7 year old little girl. Why do I still get that feeling in the bottom of my stomach, the quiver. To those that know, you know. Those that don't know, pray you never do. And it sends me running and hiding. That is currently where I sit. Hiding.

[Blueberry]

A warm welcome to the forum JenWest

It's just very difficult to understand cptsd without lived experience, and even then it takes a good while. I even understand more of the nuances of my cptsd than my psychiatrist does, because he just reads about similar cases, he doesn't live them.

I also can no longer push through, so you're not alone there.

I often find myself trying to explain so that others understand, but they don't really even if they say they do. It's just too difficult to comprehend why a grown adult would fall in on herself. I've been on this forum for about 9 years and within this time I've been understanding more and more with reading other people's posts, writing my own and discussing with people on the forum. Plus some therapists have been really helpful to me.

There is tons of good information all over the forum, from books to websites to freebie conferences, plus our own lived experiences. Do you know the books by Pete Walker? He's a cptsd survivor and a therapist. Some parts of his book "From Surviving To Thriving" are free to read on his website. A lot of us read that and use some of his terminology on the forum. Like your highly critical part that criticises you, that's your Inner Critic. Pete Walker offers ideas on toning down the Inner Critic, also referred to as ICr on the forum.

This forum is a very supportive place, I hope you find that too.

It's OK to hide. I guess you need that safety atm, and when you're ready you'll show yourself more on the forum. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[Moondance]

Welcome to this forum JennWest.  What you wrote resonates with me as well.

As Blueberry mentioned there is a lot of great information on this forum.  And if your looking for support I believe you've come to the right place. There are safe, kind, gentle supportive people here.

I'm sorry however for what brings you here - deeply sorry. It should never have
happened.

You are not alone.


 

[Marcine]

Hi JenWest,
Your raw and honest words struck me in the heart. I resonate with the struggle to understand amidst the pressure of expectations to hold things together and cope. I too at times have turned the blame inward and bullied myself.

I do that less now after many years of practicing one of the most difficult skills for me— self compassion.

To learn to be a kind friend to myself is an on-going challenge. And it has been instrumental in my healing journey.

I echo Blueberry's suggestion to peruse Pete Walker's book and/or website. I, and many others, find his writing immensely supportive and helpful. Hopefully you might too.

This forum, as Blueberry and Moondance noted, has supportive people and deep resources. The search box works well for key words as does exploring past and current threads and topics. As one member once said, "It's a gold mine here!"

Welcome

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Jennwest, 

I'm really glad you found your way here, though I'm so sorry you're going through this. 💛

What you describe: the freeze, the crash/burn cycles, feeling like you "should" cope but can't, is something many here recognize. You're not alone in this.

I'm really glad you reached out. 💛
(if that's ok)

[Hope67]

Welcome JenWest 

[Kizzie]

I cannot make my self to do anything. I get stuck. Bullying myself makes me further entrenched. To the point where I physically fold in on myself. I don't understand it. My brain and everyone else thinks I should be able to handle this. But I utterly cannot. Self-critical does not begin to describe what my brain is saying to me.

Hello and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Jen  I think by joining here you've taken a good first step to deal with all the negative self-talk. and inability to get going.  We understand what you're going through so you're in good company.  More than that we can share with you what worked for us and you can try those things out. Like you many of us have found that bullying ourselves does not work, it often makes us freeze, but understanding why we do what we do, compassion and support do.

Beyond being here, do you have or would you consider a therapist?   

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you found us. I am sorry you are going through a particularly rough patch (again) right now. You've identified the 7 year old girl. I have one of those, too. While you are figuring things out in general, maybe it would help to think more about that little girl and you you can help her. What would make her feel safe? Try doing that. If sitting and cuddling a teddy bear or doing some colouring feels like it might be calming, try doing it. I have found it astonishingly helpful to do such things occasionally instead of always berating myself for falling short and telling myself I have to act like a rational adult all the time.