Most people don't. (potential trigger warning)

[GoSlash27]

All,
 This may be the most difficult and challenging post I've ever written here...

 My first realization that I had cPTSD was highly upsetting. A flashback that slowly unfolded for days, followed by a seismic anxiety attack. The details of a trauma I'd buried for decades suddenly released, followed by subsequent details and an ongoing panic that I had no idea how to handle. I was in full- blown crisis.
 And perhaps that's why I reacted so strongly to it. I *immediately* responded negatively and desperately to it. This was *NOT* going to be my future. I "noped- out", setting myself on a slightly reckless course to fix it, no matter the cost. No screwing around, immediately.
 I'd had it identified, researched treatment options, and had my first DBR appointment set within days. I took the most radical option available to me because I wanted it fixed ASAP. I was not having this.

 My T immediately set her sights on "stabilizing" me. We weren't going to "remove the knife" just yet. My first lesson was how to handle anxiety attacks. She assured me that I would have many in the coming months and years and I needed to become adept at spotting and managing them and she was not wrong. The course I'd set myself upon would trigger many of them and she knew it. It may have been my first rodeo, but it wasn't hers.
 
 I paid cash out of pocket, not through any insurance. $180 per session, a total of 10 sessions or so. Really, 2 grand is a pittance to be rid of such a burden. But the process was seriously hard. It set me on a course that disrupted my life for 2 years. I have to say in the end that it was worth it despite all of the hardships.

 And this is where the conversation gets awkward. As I came to make connections with this community (here and elsewhere), I realized that most people don't react as strongly and violently as I did. They "wait and see". They procrastinate. They wait for a "better time" to deal with it. They become comfortable with victimhood, even going so far as to define themselves by their unique traumas, to *cling* to them. And as I sweat out all these crazy changes and regain myself, I watch their flames slowly gutter out and die.

 I'm the type of person who wants to help others even though I don't trust them or even want them around me most of the time. And so this is very difficult for me. I'm not in charge of their lives, *they* are. I try my best to never push them, to provide a realistic assessment of how difficult this process has been (flippin' difficult). And I watch them fade out because they're not as adamant about setting it straight as I was. 

 This hurts, but ultimately there's nothing I can do about it. I chose my path, they chose theirs. I cannot take personal responsibility for their outcomes. All I can ever do is hope that they improve.

 Apologies,
-Slashy
 
 

 
 

[Hope67]

Slashy, thank you for sharing something so raw and hard-won. It's clear how much determination and courage it took to face everything head‑on, and how much work you've put into reclaiming your life. I can hear how painful it is to watch others struggle or stall, especially when you want good things for them.

I just wanted to reflect back that everyone's pace is different, and your path — fast, intense, and committed — is valid, but so are the slower ones. What you've described here might give someone else the spark they need later, even if you never see it happen.

Your honesty about the difficulty, the cost, and the eventual payoff is a gift to the community, in my opinion.

[Kizzie]

In accordance with our guidelines I have removed a post which was directed solely to me and concerned something they disagreed with in terms of my administration and moderation. As per the guidelines, it is clear that certain posts will be removed/edited if they do not follow our guidelines.

Kizzie

[Kizzie]

As I came to make connections with this community (here and elsewhere), I realized that most people don't react as strongly and violently as I did. They "wait and see". They procrastinate. They wait for a "better time" to deal with it. They become comfortable with victimhood, even going so far as to define themselves by their unique traumas, to *cling* to them. And as I sweat out all these crazy changes and regain myself, I watch their flames slowly gutter out and die.

Well as is our right at OOTS and in life I must say that IMO I disagree with how you have characterized other survivors here Slashy. I have been here for 11 years and yes some some people are slower than others but I have not seen members give up. I like what Hope said - "I just wanted to reflect back that everyone's pace is different, and your path — fast, intense, and committed — is valid, but so are the slower ones."  Amen to that! We are all different and that's what makes life so interesting IMO, the diversity here and seeing how other survivors deal with things.