Mom went to the hospital last night

[Gently]

My brother texted me last night that Mom had fallen and was taken to hospital, he and SIL were on their way. I haven't seen or spoken with my Mom for several months. I just hit a wall, again. This has happened three times now over the last few years while I've been in recovery. This is the longest period of time I've not been in contact, and it's done the most good. I've just been considering whether I want to try to see her for Mother's Day.

The last time she was in hospital, two years go, she had suffered a stroke. I dutifully went immediately to the emergency room, forced myself to be strong because there were needs and I was the one who lived close by and who wasn't working and was the daughter. When I left the emergency room after hours and hours in that place of horror, I was so dissociated that I felt like I was not in my own city anymore. My husband was driving, and I said: It feels like those people walking on the sidewalk aren't real or something. I forced myself to go to the hospital as often as I could tolerate it without having a total breakdown. I could never be there alone with her after those first days in the ER.

The confusing thing then was that I didn't have a clear idea of why I was so repelled and why I was reacting so strongly and so "messed up" by it. I do now. I do, but it's also still very confused with the image of the "poor sweet old lady". My mind is still so strongly programmed into the curated roles of "what a daughter is supposed to do for her mother". My Mother made herself a relational and emotional slave to her own emotionally and verbally abusive mother until she died. She hated it. And she expects me to do the same for her.

The reason I have not dutifully gone to the hospital this time is, I think, because I've done a lot of work on becoming my own Self, showing real affectionate love and compassion to myself, that I know a little bit better what I'm protecting, the good, good, way of feeling like a loved human that I am protecting. I have a heartfelt instinct to protect the little child in me who needs to be preferred, who needs me.

But I'm tormented. I'm writing here, hoping to connect to some of you, because I'm tormented by this outlier behaviour of mine. There is a part of me that wants to tell me I'm being a bad sister, bad daughter, bad woman, bad human. I'm telling that part "You're not helping me, you're hurting me."

The part of me that is supportive of my Self and is looking for ways to cope with this torment said: reach out the that CPTSD group for support. Look for others who are in a similar situation, maybe tell them what's happening.

I read another post in which they said their Mom didn't care for their physical health as a child, and it feels confusing to have to do that for their parent. I can relate to that.

So, I'm here. Thank you for reading.

[Kizzie]

Oh Gently, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. Before my NM passed I was in a similar position. It's that horrible reaction you had that I had too and at some point I found myself having to choose between her and me. I chose me and really there was no other choice. I think I would have broken down if I did not step away. I could not bear being around her. I did not go when she was in hospice nor did I go to her funeral.

I wish it weren't the case but I just could not make myself be around anyone who thought she was a sweet old lady. Those feelings tell me just how bad things were for me and that not being around all that was the best and only thing I could do for myself.

So good for you for reaching out. Those are really difficult feelings to hold on your own. I hope knowing you are not the only one dealing with this kind of trauma fallout helps you to be compassionate and understanding towards yourself.       

[Moondance]

Hi Gently,

I just want to say I'm sorry for what you are going through - I recognize these painful feelings, the torment of wanting to help and be present for someone in need especially someone elderly and frail and at the same time realizing that I would have to compromise myself, my peace and all that comes with that.

How I handle it is not for everyone and this is certainly not the preferable way - I choose to not put myself in harms way anymore. Just because they are my biological family doesn't give them the right to be abusive towards me.  I do not owe loyalty to someone who mistreated me in anyway.

That is not to say I do not wish them well or do not think of them often or do not miss them (the good parts of them if there are any). It does not mean that I do not long to reconnect with family at times. I do however not feel as guilty as I once did because I believe I have every right to choose peace, safety, no abuse, no conflict, no judgment, manipulations, etc etc.  Most importantly I choose my sanity, truth, gentleness, care and compassion. 

Whatever you choose we stand by you and with you.  You are not alone in this situation or in these feelings, reactions or triggers.  You are not alone.

 

[Gently]

Thank you both for your beautifully kind support.

Kizzie, that's it. You hit a wall and realize you have to decide whether you're going to save your own life or not, and being around her actually smashes your Self down to a bloody pulp. And, how painful to not even be able to attend your Mom's funeral. It's really not supposed to be like this!

Moondance, I appreciate your acknowledgement that you still miss and long for your family. Those feelings are part of the full spectrum of emotions. I am learning not to deaden those feelings while I also feel the freedom of keeping myself safe and healthy. I'm learning to let myself feel the tension, longing and grief. Not everything is peachy and solved by distancing. There is still pain. But at least there is no harm.

I don't know. It's just not right. It's not right at all.

 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am LC with my mother. I see her regularly for short periods of time and I keep conversation light and neutral. She is getting on in years and there has been the occasional health issue where she has asked for my help. I have got out of it every time. The truth is that I find her physically repellant (as well as emotionally and mentally) and the thought of having to actually DO anything other than smile and nod is ghastly.

Please don't think of your reactions as outlier behaviour. I realise they are not the socially expected reactions of a daughter to an ailing mother, but they are certainly not outlier behaviours among us here. You are not wrong to prioritise yourself.

[Kizzie]

I don't know. It's just not right. It's not right at all.

Amen Gently, amen.

[Gently]

Thanks, guys. (I want an emoji but I am not used to these ones! It feels like I need to learn a new emoji language, haha)

[Gently]

Struggling this morning...

I have had a busier week than usual, which has helped me to stay with myself. The external "excuses" of being busy operate on some level to bolster my resolve to refrain from going to the hospital. Today, I am home. Today, I could visit my Mom in the hospital.

There is a part of me that wants to visit my Mom in the hospital. I want to be free to obey the natural, compassionate instinct to visit my Mother in the hospital. I want that to be part of my life. I imagine what it would be like, myself, to be elderly, frail, alone, in a hospital, and a daughter who doesn't come to visit. The empathy I have for that situation is huge. If it was me.....  What if my own adult children follow my example and learn that it's okay for them to leave me in the hospital without coming to see me?

But, wait. If they were feeling what I am feeling, going through what I am going through, I would want them to do exactly what I'm doing. I want them to be well, not to torture themselves. It would be painful to experience that, but I want them to save themselves from our generational trauma. That's what I'm trying to do, break the cycle of abuse.

I'm terrified of turning into my mother, of behaving the ways she does, in spite of the recovery I'm doing and the changes I'm making.

The old patterns are so deep. It's so easy to forget the impact that contact with my Mom has had on me. The imperative to visit my Mom in the hospital feels like goodness. I guess it is goodness, it's a good thing to want to do. My brain is so good at creating a picture of what that would be like, sterilized of my own actual, personal experiences, the things that happen in me, that have happened in me. It's like my brain has amnesia for those things, or it minimizes them, dismisses them as irrelevant, anomalous...outlier. There's that word again, that feeling that whatever I am feeling, needing, experiencing, suffering does not impact whether or not I toe the line, perform the role, keep up the forms of what the daughter does when the mother... (fill in the blank).

The message:

When will you get yourself together so you can go back to being the way that makes me feel better about myself? That's the only mode there is for you to have my attention and approval.

And there is still a part of me that desperately wants her acceptance, attention and approval.

The way that operates in me is that, when it gets really bad for me, I go ahead and do what I need to do to take care of myself, then I feel stronger, better, happier, and because I feel better, there is an internal imperative to return to the relationship because now I'm "strong" enough to "go back to normal".

I understand, now, that this is how emotional neglect manifests in a survivor of childhood emotional neglect. The emotional landscape of the natural child is atrophied. It's as if it doesn't exist for her. It does not compute in her system. The range of natural emotional responses that exist in every healthy child are ignored into oblivion, so the child learns that their feeling Self is irrelevant over and over and over again. Her internal landscape simply doesn't count, there's no slot for her thoughts, feelings, needs in "real life". This is why emotional neglect is so hard to remember as an adult. It's a vacuum, not a memory.

I said to my husband this morning: I'm feeling like I want to visit my Mom this morning. Because he has walked this road with me the last few years and seen what has happened to me, he said "Ooof. If you want to do a pro's and con's list, I see only cons." That voice of reality broke through and I was able to feel the pain, the real pain of the real situation. That pain allowed me access to my whole self, it took off the emotional blinders.

So, you know what? Today is for recovery. My recovery. I'm going to luxuriate in the time and space I have to do the things I want to do today. I am going to be gentle with myself, tender. I am going to invite kindness and nurturing from myself, for my hurting self. I am going to take tender loving care of my bruised self today. Yeah, that feels good. That's what I need. My body begins to relax.

I wish you all tender loving kindness for yourselves today. You deserve to feel loved and cared for.

[Moondance]

  all of what you said AND

  in the kindest, gentless way.

  if okay

[Gently]

It's totally okay 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so glad you told you husband how you were feeling and he helped you to see that you are not being a bad daughter by staying away from the hospital.

Your words 'go back to normal' resonated with me. It can be hard to remember that our experience of 'normal' is very far from what normal should look like. Kind of like people who go on a diet to lose weight. They reach their goal and then they go back to 'eating normally'. What that usually means is that they go back to eating in the exact same manner that got them overweight in the first place. And then they put the weight back on, even though they don't want to.

I'm really happy that you are resisting any urge to 'go back to normal'. I am glad you are taking care of yourself today and I hope that every time you do that will help to recalibrate your feelings around what 'normal' should be.

 

[Gently]

Thank you, NarcKiddo. I really would like to be able to feel that I am acclimatizing to a new normal.

This past Saturday, I had fairly convinced myself that I had "worked through" whatever I needed to work through so that I would be able to go to the hospital after all with my new frame of mind. I had done such a good job explaining it to my husband that he was just about convinced, too. An hour later, I developed a migraine. I have only had two migraines in my life, the last one almost 30 years ago. I listened to my body, and I did not go to the hospital.

Today, after hearing an update on my Mom's medical condition, I asserted that I just need to go, I just need to go to the hospital to visit my mom. An hour later, my head starts to feel funny in the same way it did on Saturday. I catch myself and tell myself I won't make myself go, I don't need to go. I'm sorry I tried to make you go.

It feels like I can't think straight. I don't think straight, I think in circles, around and around with the same content over and over again that gets me nowhere.

I want to be the daughter that can just go to the freaking hospital when her Mom is old and frail and needs visitors. I want to have that life.

This is really hard.

[Moondance]

I'm so sorry for how painfully hard this is Gently - that you even have to go through it. 

I feel like the choice to be present for your frail (or our) and elderly parent(s) was taken from us by the results of the abuse. 

I really admire your efforts and desire to go see her - to be there for her.  It's comendable, truly.

Our bodies remember though, every part of our body remembers even when we really do not want to remember.

I really get this difficult struggle.



 

[Blueberry]

all of what you said AND

  in the kindest, gentless way.

  if okay

 

Thinking of you as you navigate these waters, Gently. I resonate with a fair bit.