Feeling Inherently Doomed and Worthless

GettingThere · April 25, 2026, 03:04:16 AM

My life is falling apart right now for reasons outside my control and I feel like it's all my fault because I'm stupid, inherently worthless, and fundamentally doomed. I stayed in a really abusive job for 2 years, somehow survived it, left to go back to school for something better, then 4 months later my dog died. I got into 30 thousand dollars of veterinary medical debt trying to save her life and it only bought her 1 more month to live. After my dog passed away, I somehow managed to finish my semester with straight As only to realize that I can't do the career path I have been working towards for the last 2 years studying part time because I need to be able to provide a type of paper work that I cannot provide (too long to explain that here). Now I'm giving away almost all my furniture and belongings to live in the smallest, cheapest apartment I can find, I have to rethink my entire future career plan, I have no job, and I'm drowning in debt. I feel like no matter how well I plan, how smart I think, or how well prepared I am, I am just fundamentally doomed because I do not belong in this world. And the universe is trying to send me every sign to just give up and accept my fate of being homeless and dying alone in the street.

Blueberry · April 25, 2026, 07:15:04 AM

I'm really sorry that your dog passed away and that veterinary care for her put you in such massive debt! I don't think you could have known in advance that she'd only live one more month. I've been there/experienced that with pets of mine in the past but w/o the debt. I had much smaller pets, so lower costs.

When I read your post, I see strengths and courage. You survived 2 years of a really abusive job. Then you went back to school, meaning to me that the abusive job, though undoubtedly absolutely awful, didn't completely deplete you of motivation and energy. That shows strength and courage on your part. You also got straight A's! Wow. None of that tells me you're stupid or inherently worthless!

Obviously things look pretty bleak right now, and I'm sorry you're having to give so many possessions away, some of which may have material or sentimental value. That would be tough, maybe even devastating. But you're taking the necessary steps, which not all of us on here manage. Like me, I go into shutdown when faced with steps of that magnitude. That shows courage, and ability to get on with things.

I do understand that you're in an emergency situation, where there's no light to be seen at the end of the tunnel with regards to your finances and career. But that doesn't tell me you're doomed or that the universe is trying to show you that. In fact that kind of conclusion suggests to me that you are in a massive, possibly multi-layered, EF.

Sending you tons of support and care, tho only virtual I'm sorry to say.

Blueberry · April 25, 2026, 07:19:03 AM

P.S. You are worth fighting for!

GettingThere · April 25, 2026, 03:00:02 PM

Thank you so much for your kind reply Blueberry. It really helped to see myself from another person's perspective and see that I am still strong in spite of what has happened. I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted with being in survival mode. I've been in survival mode for 33 years (my whole life) and I honestly don't know if that will ever let up. I've had to let go of a lot of the dreams I had when I was younger just to survive and care for my dog who was very ill ($$$) all her life. But I am so grateful to her for loving me all her life until I was able to find good friends to love me after her passing. I'm immunocompromised so now I need to either try to find more remote work like I had before, or make the very difficult decision to stop wearing an N-95 while working in person. It's a truly terrifying prospect. All I can do is keep trying to find more affordable housing, keep trying to find some kind of work, keep making my minimum debt payments using student loan money, plan another career path, and pray to the universe that I survive. It's a very hard challenge ahead of me but I will always be eternally grateful to my dog for being the only being who loved me during my process of getting us both out of violence. I am so grateful that we were able to enjoy the last 2 years of her life safe from violence. I'll keep fighting. Thank you for the support Blueberry <3

NarcKiddo · April 25, 2026, 03:13:22 PM

I agree with Blueberry's comments. I can see why all of your experiences would add up to you feeling doomed and I hope that once you can take even a small break from the job of day to day survival you can reflect on your many achievements. Doing what you have done, both in relation to your studies and hoped-for career path, plus doing what was needed to survive and look after your dog even though that meant giving up on some dreams, shows that you have plenty of skills and ability in various fields. Skills are usually transferable and I wish you well in finding the right place for you.

GettingThere · April 25, 2026, 09:40:53 PM

Thank you so much for your kind words NarcKiddo. I'm feeling a bit better after talking to a friend today about happier topics and seeing that I add value to their life and them to mine. I feel really grateful to have friends who have wonderful memories of my dog that we can share together <3

HannahOne · April 25, 2026, 10:16:22 PM

GettingThere, I just stumbled on your post. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Trying to save your dog makes sense, and you didn't know about the job requirement. Welcome to the human race, it's a messy messy thing. None of us get it right. The world is very complex now. Your fear is real, and so is your resourcefulness.

FWIW, I was once homeless. I lived in my car for 6 months. Then 6 months in a shelter. We lost everything and my partner and I were having a debate about which of us would end our life for the life insurance policy to get out of the hole. We told one person our situation and they got us a bankruptcy attorney. I'll never forget meeting with the bankruptcy attorney. (I hadn't even known there was such a thing.) He told me, "Bankruptcy laws were created to prevent divorce and suicide."

I'd been feeling guilty, ashamed, horrified at what had happened to us. Hopeless we would ever, ever recover. And with those words, he made me see that I was not the only one---an entire court system existed to help people like me back out of poverty and give us a new start. Because even the government didn't want me to divorce or kill myself. This debt is NOT the end of you.

There are ways forward.

You're so resourceful to find a cheaper place to stay.

FWIW I also have a few master's degrees and I've had to pivot four times because each degree ended up not leading to the career/the career fell apart. I'm a human, life is messy, the world changes. This is all part of growing up in the modern world.... and you are not a failure because you are having to pivot. You will be able to turn your degree into cash somehow. I am certain. Education is never for nothing and never a waste.

Remember, shame and guilt and hopelessness are symptoms of CPTSD. They aren't who you are.

You're not alone.

HannahOne · April 25, 2026, 10:19:47 PM

I also wanted to greet you as another masker---I mask everywhere in an N95 and it has made work more difficult. Hello!

Alexandra · April 26, 2026, 12:40:40 PM

Hello dear HannahOne; You are a kind and loving person , if you were not, you would have just put your dog to sleep , so you are not, like your abuser, which is a wonderful achievement, you are resourceful, and flexible, in making different choices in life .You have my sympathy for both the abuse you suffered and what you are dealing with now. I know for me that I feel I everything I do has to be right, worse than that, I think that I should have known something I could not know, as they say " hind sight is 20/20. I know how exhausting it can feel, to have to be resourceful, and use your skills to solve problems . You are doing a great job .

Alexandra · April 26, 2026, 06:46:21 PM

Hello Getting there ; My apologies , I meant to address the post I left earlier to you , please read it knowing that .

GettingThere · April 26, 2026, 09:51:01 PM

Thank you so much for both of your kind comments HannahOne and Alexandra. HannahOne - I have also been homeless and I want to commend you for having the strength to survive it and not give up hope that things could get better. I spent 2 months in AirBnBs and 14 months in and out of about 8 different shelters. I went through all that in order to get free from my abusers, then I eventually got my dog back from them and spent the last 2 years of her life with her - which was why I was willing to do anything to get more time with her. I had missed so much already.

Right now I'm very afraid of being homeless again, but at least my dream came true of my dog never having been homeless. My next more affordable place to live will only last 4 months but I will do everything I can to try to keep the hope alive that I will find another affordable place to live. I will remember what you said about bankruptcy laws being created to prevent suicide - that really is a very comforting thought. Going into my dog's health crisis, I knew I was willing to declare personal bankruptcy in order to have more time with her. And even though it was only 1 more month to say goodbye, that time with her was worth more than anything in this life to me so I will never regret it.

Alexandra, thank you so much for sharing your story about having multiple degrees and them still not leading to a career that worked out in any of those fields. It's really reassuring to know I'm not the only one that happened to. For my first degree, I had such a solid career plan, solid experience and networking, but it was sabotaged by my abusers and I never really got over it. I am honestly thinking of just finishing my current degree to have student loan money to live off of for a while and then deliver food for a living. I am so completely terrified of interacting with people that being able to just be alone all day seems like it would be perfect for me.

Thank you both so much for your support. I really appreciate the encouragement to keep going and trying

Alexandra · April 27, 2026, 01:43:46 AM

Hello GettingThere ; There are jobs, that need ,to be done, where there is only minimal personal interaction , there is nothing wrong in doing that type of job, so that you can earn a living, to provide yourself, a stable life. Our furry friends provide unconditional love , which is so precious ,and oh how we love them , my special furry friend, was a cat, I have such fond memories of him , thinking of him always makes me smile.

HannahOne · April 27, 2026, 02:31:04 AM

GettingThere, I am so. moved by this bit of your history. Thank you for sharing it. I don't know what to say, except that what you did for your dog makes perfect sense to me. And I'm so glad you got out.

I am hoping that the affordable housing comes to you and works. Sometimes you do have to hop from stone to stone as it were.

I'm so sorry your first career got sabotaged.

hug, if that's ok.

My first career for sabotaged, my supervisor made my securing the role a condition of sleeping with him. It was a traumatic repetition. So I had to leave the whole thing behind, including the three years I had put into the degree.

In the end now, it's easy for me to say I'm glad that career did not work out. But for a few years after that I Was so devastated and confused about why all that had happened. And unsure how to go forward. There's a way in which I never got over it... I was never that successful again and didn't gain all the things that career would have given me. But I made an ok life and I feel I have integrity. I feel my life has come to make sense. Yours will too.

Right now you're in the struggle. It may make sense to complete the degree, I know I lived off student loan money for a while. And if you're close to finishing, it may definitely make sense to finish it if you can. You'll know the best way forward one step at a time.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog. It must be tough to grieve while also hustling to manage day to day. The loss of a dog is one of the hardest I think precisely because they are not human. Our lifespans are mismatched and it's just so hard. I'm glad you knew such love in your life. Grief is love that has no place to go. The love stays with you.

GettingThere · April 27, 2026, 04:40:52 AM

Alexandra, thank you so much for sharing the special memories of your cat. I am so glad that you were able to spend meaningful times with him, make special memories, and experience his unconditional love. I know my memories of my dog bring me great solace and I'm glad you have fond memories of your cat too.

HannahOne, thank you so much for sharing your story of how your first career was sabotaged. I am so sorry that that happened to you; you deserved so much better than that horrible mistreatment by your supervisor. Thank you for helping me feel not so alone and know that it's possible to still have a good life after a man destroys your first career plan. I was also never as successful again as I was back in grad school before I needed to drop out. It breaks my heart to think of all the women whose careers have been shattered by abusers.

And thank you for your kind words about my dog. She was truly the love of my life and I completely agree about human and dog lifespans being mismatched. Even when she was young and healthy, I always said I wish I could have given her 30 years from my life expectancy so that she could have passed away just a couple of years before I did (so I could care for her at the end) even if it meant my life would be much shorter. The thing I am most proud of in my life is that my dog always knew how much I loved her, that I would always take care of her and be her mom, and that I was with her for a very peaceful passing at the end.

I don't post on OOTS very often; usually only at very pivotal points in my recovery, but I've had a lot more pivotal points in the past 3 years since escaping my abusers, so I have been on here more often than when I first joined. Thank you for caring about my progress; I appreciate it so much.

HannahOne · April 28, 2026, 05:04:46 PM

GettingThere, you are not alone or the only one and that's why I wanted to share just a little bit. Sometimes I feel ashamed as if it's all my fault, but there are larger systemic forces at work. And also, being human is just very complicated and messy, things don't work out, unexpected things happen, life is complex and we aren't to blame for most of what happens! I can only make the best decisions I can in each moment. You're a resilient person, clearly, and resourceful too. I'm really sorry it's so tough right now. And, you can still find success, and make your way in the world. One day at a time.

It's so much to be proud of that your dog knew love, was cared for, and that you could be with her and give her that peaceful end. I know what it's like to be the parent of a dog. Then to lose the dog, hurts so bad because we are the mom. Grief is real. Love is too. The love stays. Your dog's love will always be with you inside.

If you leave the forum for a bit, there's a "checkout" thread which is nice for when we are looking for someone and want to know they're alright.

You can message my inbox if you ever want. I am on here often right now. Zero pressure.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength and courage. You clearly have both. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad you posted!