troubled relationship with siblings

[Aleksa]

Hello all!  I am new to OOTS.  This is my first post.  I have a long history of childhood SA.  On top of that, my family gaslit me for 30 years telling me "it never happened," or "why do you make things up?"  about 20 years ago the offender confessed over a recorded telephone line. They pled down their charges and were sentenced. I really have no real feelings of animosity toward the offender.  He's not around. My problem is my older brother.  Every time I see him he makes inappropriate comments about this or that.  Not related to the SA anymore.  Now it's other things like "You know the photos I brought you include pornography." The photos had a couple of baby bathtub moments. I can't bring myself to engage with him anymore.  I don't hate him.  It's just too emotionally expensive for me to hang out with him.  The rest of my family loves him.  They want me to "try."  I just feel like it's been too long with a lopsided dynamic that he doesn't care to change.  I am looking for other thoughts on this from people who have similar experiences.  Thank you.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Aleksa,

What stands out to me is that you deserve to take care of yourself.

Even within the same family, kids don't grow up in the same environment. In my case, I was the scapegoat of a narcissistic father while my younger sister was the golden child, she the chaos gremlin demandimg my moms attention and me parentified and enmeshed with her, that led us down very different paths.

I've had periods of no contact with my sister, and now low contact. Although I try to brace, occasional comments can still hit hard and throw me into a freeze.

So I really understand that sense of something being "too expensive" emotionally. Stepping back can be a form of self-care, not failure.
💛

[Kizzie]

Hey Aleksa, I really like Big Blue's term "too expensive emotionally', it really fits the bill when it comes to family (or anyone) who triggers us IMO. I stepped back from my whole family many years back when I realized it was me and my sanity or them. I chose me. The only one still alive now is my B and whenever I have little thoughts of getting back in touch I imagine what it felt like to be around him and I know right away for the sake of my health and well-being I simply cannot do it.

It was the same with my NM, everyone loved her and that made me the bad one for stepping away from her. I did not even go to her funeral because I could not bear to hear what a wonderful person/ mother/ sister/aunt/friend she was.

I hope this helps you to feel you are doing the right thing for you even though it is not popular with your family. I'm curious what you say when they pressure you to engage with him? Not that you have to say anything frankly, you certainly don't need to explain to them.  (One of my fav acronyms is "Don't JADE", that is, don't justify, argue, defend or explain - it really helped me when I did step back from my family).

[NarcKiddo]

I feel similar about my sister. I am currently getting some quite explosive trauma reactions in connection with her which I need to work through with my therapist. The reactions would make it appear that I hate her when I don't. I am largely indifferent to her. I would not choose her as a friend, ever, because our views on pretty much everything differ and not in minor ways I can get past. My mother decreed we should be close and yet sowed division at every opportunity, as she likes to 'divide and rule'. I am LC with my FOO and I engage with them when I must. There is no relationship to speak of and I very rarely initiate contact. I am not sure what will happen when the parents die - I think it quite likely the relationship will wither completely. I may feel inclined to make one final attempt to connect with her once they are out of the way, I suppose. But I doubt it. Equally she might feel inclined to make some genuine overtures. We'll see. I discount nothing but I totally resent it when family members start piling on and asking others to make all the effort in connection with a problematic member. No.

I agree with Kizzie's suggestion about JADE. It's useful. And with TBB's statement that you deserve to take care of yourself.

[Aleksa]

Thank you all so much for the feedback.  When I tell people it's too emotionally expensive for me to invest my time there regularly, I get "He's really trying."  What they don't see is that he's not really trying when it's just me, him, and his wife.  He makes all sorts of stupid, triggering comments under the guise of "I'm just trying to be funny," or "I'm your Older Brother.  It's my job."  I really needed to vent and be heard.  Thank you so much for the support.

[Kizzie]