Being gentle with both critic and child all at once....

[Jdog]

I had a stark reminder of my  inner critic's tenacity yesterday on the way home from my workout.  I realized I was very afraid that I would be yelled at or ridiculed by my spouse once I returned home - for absolutely no reason!  Probing further, I could feel the deep undercurrent of defectiveness that was permeating my thinking and drawing me into a defensive and depressed state of mind.  I did try countering it, and it loosened up for awhile.  The day progressed, and later the monster returned.  I read through some of the recent forum posts about ways people look at the critic - try to shout it down, etc.  I went to another site and got kind of a Buddhist perspective on applying loving kindness to this harsh voice.  The Buddhist site said that just being able to notice the voice means I have progressed from actually BEING the voice, so that at least felt good. 

Later, laying in bed, I felt the butterflies in my stomach which I have come to learn is a message from my  inner child.  I asked what was wrong, and really got no answer.  But, for the first time ever, I could actually picture me as a toddler (pretty cute!) and sent her support.  I remembered that the critic did serve to protect the child from harm at one point - attempting, at least, to change behavior so that she didn't get into trouble just for being a child.  Given what I know today, it absolutely makes sense that I hated being a child.  I have surprised myself as an adult in that I actually enjoy being with children.....didn't think that would happen.  In any case, I tried thanking both the child and the critic for communicating with adult me.  I will keep at this tedious process (sigh).

I awoke still feeling low- not wanting to have to work so hard just to be me, in this moment, alive and functioning.  Knowing that part of yesterday's toll was overeating in an attempt to not feel so many things.  However, here I am, smack in the middle of my life.  Inner critic, inner child, adult me - all of us together.  My lovely therapist tells me that it is times like this when my self-compassion needs to kick into high gear.  Good advice, somewhat challenging to follow.

BTW - the Buddhist site I found is at wildmind.org.  A writing from April 23rd is entitled, "Forgive yourself."  I will study and work with it.  Maybe someone else could benefit as well.

Peace to you all.

[Sandals]

  

This is part of why I don't agree with "disowning" the part of the inner critic. It's super important to identify that the message being sent is incorrect. But I think a more powerful way of turning that message around is to give it lots of love. I know that I get all twisted up inside if I start to try to shout it down, etc.

to you and your inner kid.

[keepfighting]

Later, laying in bed, I felt the butterflies in my stomach which I have come to learn is a message from my  inner child.  I asked what was wrong, and really got no answer.  But, for the first time ever, I could actually picture me as a toddler (pretty cute!) and sent her support.  I remembered that the critic did serve to protect the child from harm at one point - attempting, at least, to change behavior so that she didn't get into trouble just for being a child.  Given what I know today, it absolutely makes sense that I hated being a child.  I have surprised myself as an adult in that I actually enjoy being with children.....didn't think that would happen.  In any case, I tried thanking both the child and the critic for communicating with adult me.  I will keep at this tedious process (sigh).

This is such a lovely way to communicate with both. Full of self acceptance and self compassion. 

[Jdog]

Thanks, gentle friends, for the acknowledgement and support.  The day did get better and releasing thoughts and feelings in this forum - in addition to the warmth exuded by you folks - is a big reason why things are moving on through me.

Thank you so very much.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks j dog
Yes today I saw exactly what used to happen to me pre using the food in a binge -

Outer critic and then inner critic coupled with boredom -
Compassion seems the way forward -

I've spent yrs shouting on the inside --

[Jdog]

Thanks for your comment.  It was good to be reminded of this thread, as I need to look at the same issues once more just now.

Keep up the great healing.