Dissociation during therapy

[NarcKiddo]

This must happen a lot, right? I'm just wondering how it manifests for you and what (if anything) you and your T do about it.

I am completely sure this has happened to me before but it is the first time I have noticed it. My therapy is done on zoom so my T would have more limited ways to notice than if it was in person. She's never said anything specific about it in session. She knows I do it a lot in other scenarios.

I clearly need to discuss it again with my T now that I have thought about the session since.

The following probably belongs in a journal rather than here but since I am in the flow on the subject, my experience is as follows:

So today I was recounting a big success for me - around dissociation, funnily enough! I'd finally been able to discuss my dissociation a bit with my husband. My T and I have been working on this for a long time and I was really proud of myself for having done it, though also a bit taken aback by certain feelings afterwards. Perfect topics for discussing in therapy and I was looking forward to the session.

All goes well, I recount the success to my T. She acknowledges the achievement, as do I. I explain the unexpected negative feelings. We discuss those. I get emotional and cry. We discuss that. I recover my composure. All normal. We keep discussing. I become aware that I am dissociating. She is talking and I am watching her mouth move. Blah, blah, blah.  I am nodding and saying "yes, yes" but I have no idea what she is talking about except in the loosest sense that will enable me to respond sensibly if I have to.

I wave my hands about to stop her talking and explain that I am trying not to have this conversation with her. She looks concerned. I come back enough to explain that I am not actually trying to change the subject but I just noticed my dissociating and wanted to tell her in the moment. We back track a bit, try to work out what may have triggered the dissociation. She asks me how I am feeling, if I am OK to carry on talking around this. I say I am and express my surprise this has happened given I am in a safe place talking to a safe person. I say it has probably happened before but I have never noticed it. We carry on. After a while she is saying something and I am saying "yes, yes". She smiles at me and asks "are you just saying yes, yes or are you agreeing with what I just said?" I reassure her that I am back in the room. I'd been paying close attention to her and making eye contact (as much as one can on zoom) and was sure I was back in the room.

We had 5 minutes left and I wanted to have a quick discussion about something my mother did.

After the session I journaled it as I always do. And I realised that when I told her I was back in the room, I actually wasn't. I was just aware that since I had told her I was dissociating she might be paying closer attention to me, so I would have to pay closer attention to her in order to appear functional.

I realise this because I can remember all of the early part of the session with no problem. I can remember getting upset. After that I cannot remember any detail of what we were talking about as I composed myself (probably dissociating) or of what we were talking about after I confessed to the dissociation. I can remember in detail the quick conversation we had at the end about my mother. I was certainly back in the room for that.

Afterwards I had a huge need for chocolate. I am having trouble remembering words I want to use. For instance, I was trying to find "anti-climax" in connection with my feelings about the conversation I had with my husband. But I could not for the life of me remember it until it popped back into my head just now.

Dissociation is weird, even when you know what it is!

[Kizzie]

It is so weird I agree!  It's great though that you see and feel now, that's what gives us control over it when at some point we get good enough at bringing ourselves back and are able to see why it happened. It takes practice and now that you are willing to tackle it I reckon you will get better and better at untangling the reasons and staying present. 

That said, TBH I sometimes let myself dissociate when I am in a situation I want to go away from. That usually involves an N I'm stuck being with.