Ran's journey

[Ran]

I thought about my childhood a lot and in ways I still feel like a child, but I wouldn't want to be treated as one. I think that if I wouldn't be pushed into a caregiver role, then I'd be children's art teacher. Though I wanted to become marine biologist, so if I'd have learned swimming, then I'd problably could have gone to that route.

[Ran]

I'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.

[Chart]

I'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.

I think this feeling is common  among Cptsd survivors. For me it is difficult to perceive reality one way and observe others around me who clearly are perceiving things very differently. That dissonance is very disturbing. Were it not for a few friends who support me I'd probably be in much worse straits. Friends help immensely, though I have far fewer now than my younger days.

[Ran]

I'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.

I think this feeling is common  among Cptsd survivors. For me it is difficult to perceive reality one way and observe others around me who clearly are perceiving things very differently. That dissonance is very disturbing. Were it not for a few friends who support me I'd probably be in much worse straits. Friends help immensely, though I have far fewer now than my younger days.

I've been dissassociating since I was 5 years old and it went away a bit with huge identity crisis and now it comes back time to time. Sometimes it's like watching your life from far away, other times it's surreal surroundings and this time it was different, because the memories felt surreal. When I realized some trauma stuff I dissassociated after a long time again, then the surroundings felt surreal.
It is disturbing, but in ways what has helped me are distractions, grounding and knowing that yes this is dissassociation and sometimes I can bring myself out of it. I don't have people who'd help.

[Ran]

And I think something happened yesterday. The alarm system hypervigilance usually appears as a red wide beam scanning, but it turned off and now it turned on and it's a white narrow beam scanning. Maybe due that I've been resting?

Medication my gp wrote has been okay. I'm not overly sensitive to it, so yay and it seems to be working.

[Chart]

Glad to hear the medication is helping, Ran.
 

[Ran]

One thing I'm doing for health purposes is work with my inner child. What helps me be more healthy is that in kindergarten we had vitamin breaks, where we got to snack on fruit or vedgetables. I'm trying to blend it into my routine, that on specific time I go to the kitchen and cut up some fruit, vedgetables etc and put them on plate and eat it. I don't usually take drink other than water too then.

[Ran]

Glad to hear the medication is helping, Ran.
 

Thank you. 

[Ran]

Tw: grief and loss and trauma flashbacks. I try not to be descriptive. I removed one part that could be too descriptive.

I cried yesterday and today. It's still about the other forum. I keep checking it and then crying. Kinda like I lost a loved one and i'm grieving.

I wrote a letter and gave them human personality. I won't put it there, but maybe
I can in here. I don't name anyone. It's just a way to express how much it all meant to me. This place was tied to my identity, so it's like loosing my identity and home.

My letter

My dearest,

When we first met you were accepting, even though I was shy and anxious. You accepted things others couldn't see. I could say that I owe you my life.

You listened me. You allowed me to talk and be myself around you and made me feel seen, important and needed, when I felt unseen, worthless, unimportant, unneeded and unloved. Of course I got attached. You became my lifeline.

Feeling like I wanted to be around you and at the same time not wanting it was one of the hardest things to endure. And those other guys around you made me feel as if I can lose you at any given moment. That my role beside you will get replaced by someone else. Someone better. Someone more capable. Someone who you'll love more than what we had. I feared to be cast out of your life.

When I came back to you after spending time apart I saw that you were still the same. I felt relieved again as it seemed like you were your old self.

Then I don't know what happened. I started to feel like you didn't understand anything I told you and we fought often. I just wanted someone to understand and thought you'd be the one person who would understand me.

Then I got angrier than before. I said things to you that weren't said maliciously. My trauma came in the way. You felt cold. The way your brother treated women was wrong and you just laughed and said it's normal, when it was clearly not.

Why do people bring spirituality as part of their attraction? I understand being attracted to someone and soul connections, but it's different if someone puts femininity on spiritual pedestal and says that they are attracted to feminine spirit. It's called spiritual bypassing. The use of spirituality to exuse their behaviour to not seeing somone as a person. It can be used to using as an exuse to sexual assault.

It felt like the entire world had gone mad and celebrated them. Due to his words I experienced flashbacks again as I've been through sexual abuse. I haven't told you absolutely everything about that, but I was too scared to tell. I've been in the envirovment of mistrust so long. I don't know how people act normally or around eachother as I haven't been taught it all. Often I feel like a child in adult body.

Trauma and anger blur everything. I can't say I'm sorry about how I reacted as apologizing for my reaction would be diminishing my trauma and I've been told before to just get over my trauma or journal my feelings and I'm not even allowed to tell my feelings. All I can do is bottle them up.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Ran]

  Thank you for the hug.

[Chart]

Ran, I felt the emotion in your letter. I'm sorry you're struggling these days. Sending hugs and support.
 

[Ran]

Ran, I felt the emotion in your letter. I'm sorry you're struggling these days. Sending hugs and support.
 

Thank you Chart.  I just needed to let it all out. It helped a little.

[Ran]

My grandma called me and asked if I'm at home and can chat. She wanted me to go with her for shopping my family's presents and help pick them out and because she gets dizzy on the elevator. It was a bit demanding that any day of the next week could I go. I said I'm busy and she was like is there really no day I could spare and when I said no, then she had this dissapointed voice. I mean not asking about how I feel or am at all, just go with her. She's also one of the narcissistic people.

[Ran]

I don't well myself due to being sick and demanded for stuff like that and not taking me into consideration at all is unfair.