Vacillating Between Two Mindsets (trigger warning)

MarieKT · October 12, 2018, 02:37:21 AM

I keep going back and forth with the idea that there was 'abuse' in my childhood, or that this could have lead to complex ptsd. I keep thinking to myself that it was a long time ago, and now I'm just using it as an excuse for my character flaws, and poor decisions. I also think back to the past and compare myself to others in worse situations.
I also have a tendency to feel like it was all my fault, but I was always told it was all my fault. When you hear that, you begin to think you're an inherently bad person.
Since nearly all of it was emotional and psychological, it's easy to just pretend it never happened. I have no physical scars to show for it. I have some particularly bad memories from childhood, but I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion.
Maybe it's as simple as my dad was an alcoholic, who had an abusive temperament. That the stress my father caused the family then lead to my brother physically being rough with me in slightly cruel ways (holding me down, holding me upside down, twisting my arm and occasionally pushing me, or attempting to push me down our stairs). My mom favored my brother, so protected him, over me. She also tried to protect him more from our father. I tried to sympathize and console her when he was cruel towards her (and granted I was only between 5-10 years old) but in return, she would often tell me I deserved whatever I got from my father and my brother.
When I came across the term Complex PTSD, I believed it could apply to me in the sense, that it refers to being held captive, with no means of escape. My dad was always particularly ill tempered, after spending his late nights drinking, and would wake us up, sometimes many times a night, just to wake us up, sometimes drag me out of bed, often just to turn on lights and open the door, sometimes just to scream obscenities. Or the times he would drive out on icy country roads to 'test the breaks.' Late, really late, on the way back from family friends of ours, he would let the car skid out and do it again and again. You would think that us screaming in the car would have made him stop, but unfortunately that just made it more fun for him.
Instants such as these made me think I fit parts of the diagnosis of complex ptsd, but I'm not sure now. I feel like maybe it's just a regular dysfunctional family and I'm making too much out of it, that I'm putting myself in a category I don't belong.
I was considering mentioning this to my doctor, it's not something I really care to talk about, but I wanted the diagnosis so I could get medical cannabis. I feel like bringing it up is almost putting too much attention on myself. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be the focus of attention, probably because I have Panic Disorder. Bringing something up about c-ptsd is, I would imagine, a bigger deal than something like, I have a fear of spiders. It denotes that you probably have real problems, big problems. I vacillate on this a lot, and then I think I'm being dramatic, that I don't meet that diagnostic criteria for c-ptsd, and that I'll just buy my weed through my buddy, like everyone else does.

Thanks for reading..

Boy22 · October 12, 2018, 05:59:11 AM

All I can say is - I understand.

I want a diagnostic label versus I dont want that label.

That is me versus that is not me.

It is nearly impossible to see who we are from the inside, we need expert help to guide us.

LilyITV · October 12, 2018, 01:51:25 PM

MarieKT, What happened to you was so awful!!

I can totally relate to the feeling of reluctance to label your childhood as abusive when there hasn't been sexual abuse or extreme physical abuse. I love that I found this board, because people share and express feelings that I thought were unique just to me.

I was listening to someone on Youtube talking about this issue of what level of abuse is enough to cause trauma, and he made the point that, for children, trauma is trauma and they can't differentiate between levels of it. It's hard for me to explain it as well as that guy did, but basically the child's body is going to react the same way to pain and fear whether it's a parent playing a cruel joke (which some people may think of as a minor trauma) or whether it is a child who survived a bombing in a war-torn country (which most people would agree is a major trauma). It is only as grow and mature that we can assign grades to the trauma levels, because as children we have no mental frame of reference.

It seems that the feeling of not having been "abused enough" is so common. I am 44 and just stumbled on C-PTSD accidentally. I had no idea that all of the symptoms I had been experiencing were due to trauma and like you, tended to blame myself. It's so sad in a way that the one of the symptoms of C-PTSD--self blame--is a major factor in keeping people from seeking help.

MarieKT · October 12, 2018, 07:03:26 PM

Thanks for your reply. I think I'm also hesitant to get that label for myself. I feel like I don't know what it comes with. I've known this doctor for 10 years and have not really mentioned this to him. To be fair, some of the symptoms i was not aware we're indicators of c-ptsd. I, like you, stumbled upon this term and felt like it fit (in my case, sometimes I feel like it fits). Also, I recall him saying, not long after I met him that, 'this isn't therapy.' He also told me he didn't really believe in therapy. This was, granted, a long time ago, and I'm pretty sure his feelings have changed on the matter, but I suppose, from that point on, I just decided to stay superficial with him or talk about common interests or ideas. It's very easy for me to do this because I would rather not mention deeper problems. I believe the last serious problem I mentioned was, passing out and losing consciousness. I guess that was disruptive enough to make it pertinent, but most things are not. They may be internally disruptive, but I tend to hide that. I'm not even sure I know what I'm talking about now, just more rambling...
Thanks again

LilyITV · October 12, 2018, 07:49:06 PM

My therapist hasn't given me any kind of diagnosis and for a long time I didn't understand why. Now I think it may be because no one really likes being labelled and feeling stigmatized. I was only able to finally figure out I likely have C-PTSD because she used terms like "trauma" and "inner critic"--before going to therapy, it never crossed my mind that my childhood was not "normal".

That is really surprising for me to hear that a medical professional would openly admit to not seeing the value in therapy. This is the first time I've really been in therapy and it's doing me worlds of good. There are so many things I've tried to figure out on my own and now I see the value of having professional help.

It's funny that I like therapy so much because I usually don't like being the center of attention either. But I guess it's easier for me to get over it because I'm paying money for this person to listen to my problems so I feel like I'm not bothering her. I was also lucky to get someone I really feel comfortable with. I know for me, we've worked out that the reason I don't like being the center of attention is I feel small and insignificant and not worthy of the attention (low self esteem).

FWIW, I don't think you're being dramatic at all and your desire to get medical marijuana seems really sensible. I think I would crap my pants if someone woke me up out of my sleep cussing at me. I can't imagine how a child could handle something like that especially over and over again.

MarieKT · October 13, 2018, 02:29:20 AM

It was pretty terrifying and unpredictable for sure! I just tried to stay out of my dad's way for the most part. That didn't really matter for being dragged out of bed at night though, it was just because I was there.
I've actually been in therapy before, for a number of years, but it hasn't been much help to me. I shoulder most of that respondsibility, in that, I never became comfortable enough to be open. I used it as an intellectual pissing match, and apparently, I was not bothered wasting my own money for this purpose.
I've been smoking marijuana since early high school, with a break during college. I'm grateful for it, in that, it has kept me sane. I think I rely on it a bit too much though.

WeAreAllAPartOfUniverse · August 12, 2024, 04:17:17 PM

I feel for you. I was in that state, "but it wasn't thaaat bad, was it?!", for a long time, too. I read now more then once, that emotional abuse for the soul has the same impact as physical abuse. But in our society the emotional side doesn't get the same attention and weight at all.

I wanted to share with you, what helped me a lot, getting more security. Maybe it could help you too:

Youtube / Patrick Teahan / licensed clinical therapist Phd, focused on childhood trauma and trauma survivor himself
He does videos about childhood trauma, toxic family systems and gives a lot of practical examples, how it might look like in real life situations. After looking to those, all my doubts were gone and I reached out to my therapist with the news.
Hope, it's helpful for you

AphoticAtramentous · August 21, 2024, 06:10:54 AM

I realise this is an extremely old thread but can't help but add my two cents anyway.

As a general reminder to anyone who needs it, the denial of trauma or the feeling of "it wasn't that bad" in itself is actually a very common symptom of CPTSD. It took me years to overcome that symptom until I was finally able to accept the fact myself.

And as LilyITV mentioned, it is unfortunately extremely easy to traumatise a child. They have nothing to compare their problems to, and have no way of knowing what is going to happen, have no way of knowing they're actually going to make it out alive and okay.

I mean, think of something like an indoor cat, one day accidentally being left outside. It's just the outside, it's some fresh air, it won't hurt the cat, right? But that experience can be extremely stressful for the cat because it has never experienced the outside before, it has no idea what the outside world will do to it, has no idea what the consequences will be. As children, we have no idea how the world works, a lot of things are terrifying. It's why good parenting is so important, to reassure us that the world isn't so scary, and to guide us on what actually are threats and what actually aren't.

Regards,
Aphotic.