Is my partner enabling my "learned helplessness"?

[tesscaline]

This is something I plan on discussing with my therapist, but I thought I would talk about it here to see if anyone else had any similar experiences, advice, or thoughts on the subject too.

Recently, my partner has been complaining that I am too dependent on him.  And, if I'm honest with myself, he's right.  I used to be fairly self sufficient, and now I'm very much not.  Part of my lack of self sufficiency is illness related -- I have physical illnesses that impact my mobility and ability to carry out certain basic tasks -- but the level to which I have become dependent upon him is out of proportion to that, to the degree that I have been struggling with feelings of being completely helpless to do most things for myself.  Even things that I really can do, and always have been able to do.  It's not fair to him, nor is it healthy for me to continue on that way, so I've been trying to figure out what on earth is going on so that I can own my part, and hopefully break the cycle. 

It seems to start with a valid need for help.  For example, if I'm sick, or having a flare up of my physical illness, and actually can't do something myself (or it's unduly difficult or painful for me to do myself).  Since "needing help" is something that is a trigger for me, I often do not ask for assistance.  Instead, I complain about how hard X or Y is, or how I "can't" do such and such (hello inner critic, when the "I can't" starts coming out, I know you're the one talking).  I recognize this as unhealthy behavior, and it's something I've been working on for years.

However, my partner's response to me complaining has historically been to jump in and just take care of the things I'm complaining about.  Even if I've told him that I don't need help, or that he can't help.  This, I'm realizing, is also unhealthy behavior -- not just for him, but for me too, as it shifts the responsibility for my needs being met away from me and onto him instead. 

If it were a one time sort of thing, it wouldn't be problematic.  We all deserve to have nice things done for us without us having to ask for them on occasion.  But once he's jumped in and done something for me in a singular instance, he just kind of keeps on doing it forever.  Which is really unhealthy for both of us, because it prevents me from learning how to overcome or get around the obstacles in taking care of myself, and uses up resources he should be using to take care of himself. 

Not only that, but it reinforces my feelings of being helpless -- because if it's something he thinks I could do for myself, why wouldn't he expect me to do it?  He must think I'm helpless too, so my feeling helpless must be "true" and not just something my inner critic is lying to me about. 

In addition, I am not forced to learn how to differentiate between the things I actually need help with, and the things I can do myself but are just hard.  And, I'm not forced to learn when, and how, to ask for help.  Both of which are really important skills that I need to have.  In fact, it's encouraged me to "forget" a lot of the progress that I had made in that arena prior to my relationship with him. 

Now, after being together 10 years, he's finally realizing how dependent I've become, has been very angry about it, and is blaming me for it.  Which, is hard to accept, when he's not outwardly admitting his own role.  Because I never set out to be this dependent upon him.  I feel like it's something he's encouraged me to do, through his own behavior. 

The thing about it all is... I'm having difficulty differentiating between what my inner critic says and what reality is.  My inner critic is telling me that it is my fault, and all my fault, because I didn't put my foot down and insist that he not help me no matter how upset he got about it. And it sounds reasonable, what it's saying.  Almost.  The "all" part is the part that doesn't seem reasonable.

But is denying the "all" part just me trying to shirk accountability?  Or is that "you're just trying to shirk responsibility" part just more of my inner critic?  Is assigning fault just pointless all around?  Maybe I just need to focus on how to break the cycle, rather than who's responsible for it? 

[Dutch Uncle]

Very powerful post. 

To me it seems you have quite a good insight on the mechanics at work in your relation with your partner, and your part in it. You are quite aware of your own dissatisfaction with (parts of) your own role.
Which is the best IMHO, since it's the only role you actually (may) have some control over.

Maybe I just need to focus on how to break the cycle, rather than who's responsible for it?

Yes, I think this is key. Figuring out who is responsible is in itself not without merit, but it's usefulness lays in getting a grip on what oneself can do to 'break the cycle'/change and what is outside one's 'zone of control'.

Keep up the good work, I'd say. 

[tired]

Is there some reason why you don't stop asking for help? It sounds like you're expecting him to fix your problem which is that you ask for help when you don't need it.  So it sounds like the same thing as a request for physical help.  You're still acting helpless and putting him in an impossible situation.  If he treats you as an adult he would have to assume you do need help and then he would have to give it.

If he doesn't help when you ask then it's like he's treating you like a child and maybe he doesn't want to. Even if you want him to.

The solution is in your hands. If it were a parent it would be different.  but with a partner I don't think you should blame him.  If he's enabling and someone else points it out him , that's one thing . but since you're making this situation I don't think you should be the one to point it out.

I have been in this situation and fixing myself without him was the only way out. No conversation needed just appropriate action that shows I changed.

[tesscaline]

You can't have known that it would be, tired, but coming back to this thread and reading "stop asking for help" was quite triggering for me.

As I already said, asking for help at all is a trigger subject.  Part of my CPTSD stems from an abusive mother who denied me help when I needed it, and made me feel like a complete and utter waste of oxygen for needing it -- even though I was only 6, and was supposed to have help dealing with things like torn achilles tendons, colds, and reaching things on high shelves.  "Stop asking for help", or some other variant that would lambast me for being 'needy' was something she would say to me, constantly, until I learned to stuff away all my needs to avoid her wrath. 

In addition to that, I don't "ask for help when I don't need it".  As I said, part of the problem is that I'm not actually asking for the help, most of the time.  Or, at least, I don't think I am.  The words "help me" or "I need help" don't come out of my mouth  very often at all (when they should more often).  Instead, he's jumped in and provided it for me without my having asked, just at the hint that I'm struggling and/or battling with some pessimism, and continues to do so even after the initial instance, even when I've asked him not to.  And he's even, in the past, gotten upset with me for refusing his help.

Is he entirely to blame for the situation?  No.  Did he have a part to play in it?  Yes.  Does it matter?  Maybe.  If I really want to break the cycle, doesn't knowing what contributes to it help do that?  I think so. 

It's not "expecting him to fix the problem" to say that it's difficult to accept him being so angry and blaming solely me when he's contributed to and actively encouraged the behavior he's upset about and isn't acknowledging his own behavior.  I don't see anywhere in my post where I said I expected him to fix it, at all.  Because I don't. 

Regardless of all of that...

Yes, the solution is in my hands.  No one can change my behavior for me.  I've already started trying to change my behavior.  I'm trying to fix it.  Recognizing that there is a problem was the first step.  Understanding the problem, is usually my second step.  That's all I was trying to do, here. 

[Dutch Uncle]

As I said, part of the problem is that I'm not actually asking for the help, most of the time.  Or, at least, I don't think I am.  The words "help me" or "I need help" don't come out of my mouth  very often at all (when they should more often). 

I can relate.
The following sentence I'm always hesitant to say out loud, but for every rule there's an exception:
"I know exactly what you mean."

I failed my University last year, and as a result I lost my 'trade'. I didn't just lost my job, but I'm now barred from my field of work altogether. (Long story, someday I might address it here. Perhaps not. I don't know yet.)
At some point I realized I had exam-anxiety. Which was weird since the exams I did take all were 8's to high 9's. (A's and A+'s in anglo-saxon terminology I think?)
Then I started to realize I had a fear of succeeding, not failing my exams.
It has send me in a downward spiral, started reading up on it, possible causes and all that, and ended up with "Dysfuctional family/upbringing" and getting out of the FOG from there.
A big issue at University was that I was too scared to ask for help. Which also was 'ridiculous', since they were very gentle and helpful people. The teachers were not bullies, didn't push people to or over the edge. My fear was completely uncalled for.
Yet, it was there, there was no denying.

Yes, I have been learned Helplessness.
It's a tough nut to crack.
But I'm sure that if we have been able to learn Helplessness, we can unlearn it, and learn the useful stuff.

Old habits die hard, and the older/longstanding they are, the more resilient they are. Unfortunately.
I try to tell myself it's just a habit, it's not "me". Yet I forget to tell me that more often than not.
"Oh well, 'baby steps' as the saying goes", is another phrase I use to calm and sooth myself.

Good luck, you've started. Awesome. 

[tired]

I'm sorry 

[tesscaline]

Then I started to realize I had a fear of succeeding, not failing my exams.

That line in your reply kind of jumped out at me as something I probably need to think about further.  I thought I was just afraid of failing, of not "being good enough".  I mean, that's what the inner monologue rambles on and on about when I go to try and do things: "Why bother?  It's not going to be enough, you're never going to be enough, just give up now."  But the idea that maybe, underneath all that, I'm afraid of actually being successful at what I'm doing... I keep going back to that. 

So thank you, for sharing your experience.  It's given me something important to explore

[steamy]

Happy new year to you all, I hate new year always makes me feel less alive and able to conform.

Dutch Uncle, I can totally relate to your experience at school, I had similar experience, my own trade is the same if you fail the course you lose your job and you walk away with nothing but a whole load of student debt.

Out of a class of 30 students only 11 went to the graduation ceremony, I passed the course but as I had to retake an exam I was not included in the invitations for graduation, even though when the invitations were sent out none of my class mates had actually completed the course either. Rather than being ashamed, Professors like the idea of a high contrition rate as it makes the profession seem to be elitist, only 20 odd people graduating into the profession each year. I was seen as being an awkward lazy student, who took weeks off. I needed to earn money to stay alive and at the time it was easiest to fly to Amsterdam and work as an uitzendgracht for 20 guilders an hour than try to find temporary work in the UK, where my CV would invariably end up in the waste paper basket if no suitable work was available at that instant.

Did you read "outliers" by Malcom Gladwell, he compares a genius from a working class family, with abusive father who works as a postman having been rejected by the institutions and has no undergrad degree, with Bill Gates who as a teen in the early 1970s had exclusive access to the computer at the university of Washington state.

I have been trying to get into that education system so that I can support students like us, but I don't really fit in so there's little chance unless I work in a far flung country.

[tesscaline]

I've been examining some of why I'm afraid to succeed. 

Part of it has to do with what my models for "success" were -- A father who sacrificed his relationships with family, to the point of neglect and abandonment of his children and multiple failed marriages, in order to be successful -- and not wanting to become that. 

Part of it has to do with a pattern that started in early childhood for me.  The moment I thought I was doing good in appeasing my abusive mother, the moment things were going smoothly and I thought I might have finally succeeded in learning how to avoid her wrath, that's when things would blow up and suddenly be worse than they were before.  Growing up around her, taught me that Good Things weren't a reason to relax and be happy, they were a reason to prepare for more Bad Things to happen. 

And that pattern is one that's repeated itself, even in non-abusive situations, over and over throughout my life ever since. 

The moment I think I'm doing well, the moment I think things are going to be okay and I can stop "waiting for the other shoe to drop", that's when things blow up in my face.  If I got a decent job, and got comfortable in it, that's when the car would break down or a relationship would end, eating up all the "extra" money and dashing future plans.  If we landed a really good contract, that's when the computer would break, or someone would need serious medical care, eating up all the "extra" money and dashing future plans.  Every time something good would happen, something equally bad (or worse) would happen to off-set it.

Even now, that pattern is holding true, with what all is going on between me and my partner -- catalyzed by what was supposed to be a fantastic new job with tons of opportunity for growth and joy for both of us.

Something that was supposed to be a success... It ended up sparking a disaster.  It ended up causing even more pain, more suffering, than not being successful ever caused.  The disappointment alone is so hard to handle.  The feelings of betrayal, because of that "good" thing turning out not to be.  The loss in having my hopes and dreams "stolen" from me.  The feeling of not having any control over anything, and maybe even everything.  And that... I think that's what I'm afraid of; not success in and of itself, but of what comes after. 

I've learned that success = suffering.  And I've had so much suffering... It's hard to want to succeed if that's what I think I'm guaranteed.

[steamy]

Tesscaline,

I am not sure that all of those things are really within your control. Even if they were, it is easy for things to go wrong when you have CPTSD, you might simply lack the social skills to help things succeed.

I have had similar experiences. I also have issues with asking for help. I started a business in Cambodia in 2005 and won some contracts to manufacture products for export, one of which went bad when the buyer cancelled the deal, leaving us with 4,000 Euros worth of fish tanks. Selling was not my skill, my ex-partner who was a good business person wanted me to find new buyers. I had worked hard producing them in 35 degree heat with 100% humidity, I needed her help. I designed the production process and trained the staff too-

Another product we were supplying was going badly, I was working 18 hours a day and my Cambodian staff were not delivering the quality we needed, I had to find ways to fix the screw ups, in Cambodia at the time there was nothing, I had to design and build a polishing machine from an old water pump motor to polish out the scratches in the aluminium laminate (We had to make the MDF aluminium laminate ourselves too).

By the time I got the second product out, I had almost had a nervous breakdown. I was very hard on myself and saw myself as a failure, we were 2 weeks late and we lost $2,000 on the contract. But I had created the product from scratch from a picture the customer sent, I had to design and make special hinges that could not be seen through the glass door but would only cost a few cents each. We were in a low income country with limited resources, I had taught disabled people to make the product and delivered the quality, I had achieved the impossible. I could not see that.

The customer walking away and my self recrimination left me extremely despondent and depressed, I reached a point where I thought that my partner was judging me. I guess I could have worked on it, but at the time I felt that I didn't have the skills or the energy. I gave up.

My point really is that, if we have a loud inner critic, we often only see and dwell on our failures rather than our achievements. Don't be too hard on yourself, find what you have done and take it forward one task at a time.

Also, I believe if we have had difficult childhoods we are looking for ways to avoid getting trapped and becoming our parents. My father was working class, no education, always wanting to have bigger and bigger houses. We lived on site in caravans, he would work on the house when he got home from his day job, he was always stressed about money and worried about how we would afford materials to keep building. He did this at the expense of our family life. His house was his idea of success.

When I left home I wanted to avoid falling into the same trap of what my parents did, so chose the opposite course, chose freedom over security. But really, my rebellion against his ideals has given me an interesting life of world travel, but I have been unable to succeed in securing my freedom, except that I am so free that I find myself unemployed, almost broke and on the verge of destitution. Can failure be a self fulfilling prophesy?

During Gestalt therapy we talked to the part of me that was self sabotaging, it was my father who had confused me for his brother and resented me so much that he actually wanted to kill me. (Parents often say you're like x or y person, my parents thought I was like my uncle, who my Dad hated). They had brought me up to dislike my uncle, and therefore to hate myself!

It is hard to fight against ourselves though, if you have an inner critic sitting on your shoulder telling you that you're going to screw up thats a pretty hard thing to overcome in addition to succeeding in your business. Be kind to yourself, try to silence the self criticism, complete one task at a time and acknowledge to yourself that it is done and you are achieving your goals.

Good luck!