Therapy has taken over my life (again)

[wooboyattachmenttrauma]

Hi, I could use some support. I think about my therapist all night and all day. I check my phone constantly to see if she has texted back. I write in my journal for hours every day about my feelings about therapy and the therapist. I am not able to work at all. I went to bed before the kids last night, didn't eat dinner with them or do our usual bedtime routine (my partner did). I feel like my life revolves around whether my therapist still wants me or not, still likes me, will be able to repair this latest rupture. We had a HUGE blow up after my last session. I got hugely triggered. I tried to end therapy. Then I ended up begging for her back. Then she was like, I have to consult about this and told me all about how termination would work. Then she says, I am hopeful we can continue. The trigger was: all week I had been tormented by some new things (maybe memories) popping into my mind. Sick *. **TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE NEXT SENTENCE! FEEL FREE TO SKIP!!!*******  It was my dad sadistically threatening to kill me over and over while abusing me. ***///END TRIGGER WARNING!**** I had contacted the therapist multiple times over the course of the previous week to be like, I'm struggling with this and she had been so supportive.

I arrive at the appointment and I am surprised to see a friend/coworker coming out of her office. This friend/coworker is someone who has made clear i can't talk about trauma or feelings about family estrangement around her. I knew we shared a therapist but about six months ago or so I noticed that the therapist stopped scheduling me right after the friend, possibly because I kept making comments that this made me uncomfortable--mostly minimizing it. "It's fine! I don't want to make you uncomfortable!" etc., fawning.

Anyway so I had a really busy weekend after the session, where we talked mostly about how uncomfortable I felt about the friend/coworker, and only in the last ten minutes I shared a couple of pieces of the horrible memory I had come in to talk about, in a panic. I remember leaving the session being like, "Are you ok?" to the therapist. I felt bad having her hear this stuff. Then a couple of days later, I was going to bed, and I was overcome by this overwhelming feeling of like, this is absolutely intolerable that I am sharing a therapist with this friend. I felt enormously betrayed. I felt intense hatred of both of them. I felt sick and disgusting. Going over my journal entries from that time, honestly I thought I'd sound crazier than I was. But what I was saying made a lot of sense. it was just really triggering, especially as an incest victim, to be part of a triangulated relationship (me, my mom, my dad reminds me of me, the friend/coworker, and the therapist).

I texted the therapist my rage. I raged on the phone. I definitely activated her parts. She seemed ready to accept my self-termination and say goodbye. Wouldn't that make her life easier! Then the next day I crossed a line, I think, for her, consciously or not. I asked, why can't you refer one of us out? Can you explain to me why you can't, or why you didn't before when you realized we knew each other this well? And instead of answering the question, the therapist on the phone started sharing her thought process like, hmm maybe I can. But it would probably be you because I started seeing you later, and because this friend needs my specialty, something even more hard to find than CPTSD therapy specialty.

You know what I wish she would have said? "Here's why I chose not to do it; it's my responsibility to make sure our relationship is safe, and I feel confident that it is." Or: "I hadn't really thought about that. Let me think about it and get back to you when I see you  next." Then, I spend the next two days panicked. She's going to abandon me. I trusted her. I thought this one was going to be different. For two years, and especially the past year, this therapy has anchored my week. I always show up. It's been a HUGE part of my life. She and my partner are the only two people in the world who know what I've been going through, what memories have been surfacing, what phantom pains I have been feeling. I believed she could be different, she was different. I can't lose this, what have I done?!!!!

I start begging for her back. A couple of days later, she says she's consulted about it and she's "hopeful" she can still see me. All the power is back in her court. No apology for scheduling me back to back with someone she knew triggers me to see there. I apologize profusely for how I acted. I know she would prefer just to see the friend/coworker. I texted the friend last week, hey, I decided to stop seeing the therapist, just letting you know--it was getting too awkward. The friend is like, "It's not awkward for me, I trusted both of you." I had told the therapist I was texting the friend. I think that freaked her out that we would talk about her. But I had (mistakenly!) referred the friend to her! It started with us talking about her!

Simultaneously, I feel like I would die of despair if I lost this therapist, and I am terrified by the power she has over my life. it's like she has become the perpetrator to me, in parts of my mind. Parts of me are focused intently on her every move, on managing this relationship. I can't focus on anything else,  not even for a moment. I have to make this okay. But I have a few days before my next session and she hasn't responded to my last text apologizing genuinely for my anger in an emotional flashback/amygdala hijack and asking politely for an extra session to process this rupture.

I have been through this before, a little over a decade ago, when I first became aware of the CSA. That therapist ended up being abusive and punishing in response to my intense emotions. I thought this therapist was different. She is, a little bit. But she definitely was in her parts in her communications with me last week. I feel like I had to be the therapist after she started talkinga bout terminating me. I was like, you know, I think this was an emotional flashback, I think it was triggered by what I needed to talk about last session and not about the fact my friend sees you. And then she seemed to like the Submit part coming out, begging for her back.

I have only lived my life two ways. Either flooded with facing the trauma or completely in denial of it and hating myself for my family estrangement and all my intrusive thoughts. I wanted to work through this, to feel the sunshine. The only way I've been able to do that are for a few brief weeks where things were stable with this therapist, and I'd have a few days before our weekly session where I could honestly think about other things. A rhythm to the week of intensely focusing on it, processing the aftermath and resting, and then, my brain feels a little free for a day or two or so. Otherwise I'm going through the motions of life, but thinking about==did he really do this to me? Did that really happen?

Now I feel like I'll never get to that point again. I'll have to start over with someone else. This would be my 19th therapist in my life. I feel like, there are some things you can do to a child that they truly, truly, can never recover from. I don't want her to abandon me. I don't want her to let me go. I want to be like other people and have a therapist for several years (it's been 2 years--my long-term therapies always end with a blow up after 2 years). this therapist is going through a personal crisis I know (she's had to cancel some emergency sessions). no doubt she wants to get rid of me and keep the friend who does not have CPTSD and who doesn't feel triggered by sharing a therapist with me. CSA survivors are "frankly hated" as judith herman says. I want my life back, but I'm desperate for my therapist. That makes me want to die, but I want to stay alive for my kids.

Last night I texted a rape crisis hotline. It was nice to share this there. I'm glad I did. They told me about a survivor's group that meets tomorrow night. I had to laugh out loud. I have asked this therapist so many times for a group! And she has had nothing to offer me in response! I will give it a try, if I'm brave. But I feel like I'm not really a sexual violence survivor. One rape, like my MPSA as a teen, is a tragedy. Years and years of assaults by family members--to everyone else in the world, that's a condition. A condition that makes me untreatable. Unknowable. Unfriendable. Untouchable. Unsalvagable. Flat out crazy.

thanks for reading this far

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry this happened Wooboy, CPTSD is such a deep wound and until we can figure out how to heal life can be full of traps/triggers that bring the fear and anger to the surface when you least expect it. Personally I don't think any of us are as you suggest "untreatable. Unknowable. Unfriendable. Untouchable. Unsalvageable. Flat out crazy". 

What I do think and feel is that we need skilled, experienced therapists to deal with the type of deep wounding that spills out in anger, rage even at times.  I don't know if this T is the one for you or not, but maybe try and keep in mind that as a human she is imperfect and may not be able to react objectively to your amygdala hijack/rage. As you say it would be best if you and she could talk this through and get to the other side of things said and unsaid. It seems like you both could learn from this if you're willing to work through it, but you both have to be willing to do so. You have asked to do this and so the ball is in her court now which is really difficult I understand.

I do hope if she is not willing to continue she at least acknowledges that she is not capable of treating you rather than making you feel guilty, at fault.  Afterall, that's the whole reason we go to T's is for them to help us through the legacy our abuse has left and many  may simply not be up to the job given how new the diagnosis is. 
 

[wooboyattachmenttrauma]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging response.

It's been a few months, and we have talked about all this stuff, the sessions usually feel comforting. I am trying to get over the fact that this therapist

a) sees someone I know well both socially and through work, someone who does not have CPTSD and who I was attempting to get closer with but whose response to a disclosure that I'm a survivor made clear she is not someone who will be supportive;

b) made the choice to schedule us back to back for months once she found out we both knew we were seeing her, which I feel was something she should have known as a CPTSD specialist was risky to the trust we were building in therapy and potentially triggering given that I have CPTSD and struggle with compartmentalizing my life, relationships, and trust; and

c) minimized my feelings about it for the past year whenever I brought it up; even after she stopped scheduling the friend/coworker back to back with me because I had started hinting that it was hard for me to see her on my way in, she then suddenly did schedule us back to back before a very difficult session, and we spend the whole session talking about it, but mostly treated it like not a big deal. It was after that session that I had the huge emotional flashback/amygdala hijack that led to the huge rupture in which I wrote this.

I kinda wish we could somehow work through this, but as you can see it's nearly September and this blew up in May. The situation itself has been going on now for 13 months, of me knowing I share a therapist with someone I had tried to be closer friends with, and that I have to work with forever (though not necessarily see very often because of the nature of our jobs). It's gotten to the point where I'm avoiding the (now ex-)friend. I can't tell you what course our friendship would have taken if we hadn't shared a therapist, and if I hadn't gone through a period of seeing her weekly on the way into therapy. My best guess is, I probably would have figured out eventually this was just a "work friend" like Amy Poehler and Tina Fey joke about 

I really don't like that I have a therapist who exacerbated a sticky situation by scheduling us together and not getting curious about it or talking about it with me until I blew up, and now it has influenced my social and work life outside of therapy.

Over the past few months I've told the therapist about how when the friend was scheduled back to back with me, I used to deliberately try to arrive late, or hide in my car to avoid her. Then the therapist changed offices around the time she stopped scheduling us together, and I got a break from scanning the parking lot (hypervigilance) on my way in. In case it helps to know, I usually feel nauseated and shaky on the way in to therapy. It's kinda like, scared parts of me coming up after being hidden all week. So suddenly flipping into work mode seeing this person--who has made it clear I cannot talk about my trauma or my biofam estrangement around her--sucked. I realized that one of the things that was so triggering about what happened when I saw her at the therapist's office in May was that my system was caught off-guard. I had kind of let myself believe (wishful thinking) "oh maybe she went on a hiatus from therapy again" as the friend/coworker had done before, and stopped scanning the parking lot preparing to run into her.

I also realize that I had told the therapist that I was OK with this person being a client at first. I hinted at problems jokingly, "As long as you like me better. But if you say you do I'll have to fire you." And the therapist accepted my minimizing. I realize I had dissociated my fear about this, because I felt deep inside (and still do) that if forced to make a choice, anyone in the world would choose anyone in the world other than me; so I had to fawn and be pleasing to everyone, act like I was totally cool with it just like the therapist and the non-CPTSD-having-person who trusts the therapist unproblematically (she told me so, told me this situation isn't awkward at all for her).

I wish the therapist had realized at the start that me saying I'm OK with something that, well, I have no choice to be ok with or else I lose my therapist and feel abandoned yet again, might still warrant some caution. Like don't turn your waiting room into a weekly meetup. I was already seeing this friend/coworker weekly, sometimes twice a week at that time, but for whatever reason neither she nor I talked about each other in therapy ever (I don't talk about my friends at all in therapy; I'm pretty guarded about my present-day life), and the therapist never asked to understand this relationship that her scheduling choices were now intervening in. The therapist says she wishes she'd done things differently.

I have an appointment with another therapist who tells me they know what's what with CPTSD and a challenging client with many many failed therapies (but I've heard that before). I'm not sure whether to keep it to try it out. I'm still seeing the current therapist weekly, haven't taken a break.

I really like this current therapist in many ways. The session before she * me over with the biggest trigger ever--surprising me by seeing the friend/coworker again on the way into session after 6 months--I had said to her, I've been looking for therapy like this for a long time. And she claims to want to talk this through. And it has felt good to do so. But nothing will ever change that she sees this friend/coworker, and I still have a really hard time sitting with that. Feeling like this therapist is on my side, when she's on my side with a coworker who responded horrified by my disclosure and has insisted through silence whenever I have brought up anything except work. My workplace is very hostile to survivors, and I feel like my therapist is aiding and abetting an oppressive presence in my life, even though cognitively I "get" that she's not.

I also fear this feeling of being surveilled. In my biofam, if you told someone something, the whole group would make sure to respond en masse. The lack of intimacy and confidentiality was enforced repeatedly and traumatically. Now here I am, constantly talking * about this other client of hers because I feel so angry and jealous and insecure. I doubt this other person, who seems to care very little about this situation, is doing the same, but what if she shares things about my life, or where we're at, or even just going on with work with my therapist, and my therapist knows things about my life that I haven't told her? No big deal right if you trust someone but--inability to trust others is a cardinal feature of CPTSD I am trying to heal.

So I'm going to spend yet another week paying this therapist still hashing this out. Not talking about my traumas, not getting support in my daily life, not getting help taking care of myself better. I do think that minimizing this for over a year--both me and the therapist allowing me to fawn when it came up--has made it feel ten times worse than it has to.

I had a moment recently where I re-read Judith Herman on moral neutrality being not the same thing as technical neutrality. And I thought, maybe if I imagined that even if the therapist is technically neutral with the two of us, she doesn't have to be morally neutral when it comes to being anti-oppression and affirming solidarity with trauma survivors who demand action, engagement, and remembering. So this client of hers, my coworker/ex-friend, clearly showed me a part that took the side of the perpetrator in doing nothing but being horrified when I disclosed, but I can trust that the therapist in treating this client for whatever their full and complex life needs, still maintains a moral stance. *I* want to become less oppressive as I heal, as well! So maybe I can see that me and the ex-friend both could be.

But I also just need to grieve that of all the * luck I've had in my life, I finally found a therapy that was working and this uniquely * and unresolvable situation has happened to make it harder. I wish I didn't have to share a therapist with someone I know well. I wish that I could go to this therapist about any relationship in my life and trust (or at least have the fantasy) that they could only see it through my eyes and be on my side with it every hour of the week, not just when they're with me. And I really, really wish that therapy wasn't made any more triggering than it already is by this dumb luck. This is such a huge trigger fest for me. I don't want to be part of a group. I'm not jealous or weird about the therapist having other clients at all. Just this one, because we are connected in intimate but also completely secret and completely unchangeable ways (because of my job and my therapy).

I feel so ashamed that other people can just be ok with this awkward situation and I can't seem to. It's really hard at this point to say it's the therapist's fault when I have been through so. many. long-term therapy relationships. I wish we could work this out. I wonder though if even having the new therapist's appointment on my schedule is making this more stressful, and I should just cancel until I'm sure I want to leave or take a break. How do I know that a therapy relationship is still healthy? Advice welcome.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I understand having seemingly intractable problems with a therapist. I nearly fired mine for "abandoning" me because the therapy platform we initially worked over was really not suitable for my issues. It was a Q&A CBT approach and even I could see it was getting impossible. We moved to private sessions. Her fees were fair, she was prepared to let me continue doing it in writing until I felt up to face to face (if ever) but still I felt it was an abandonment. Of course I fawned and followed her suggestions and harboured resentment for a while. This was two years ago and I have only just now found the courage to tell her how I felt back then and process some of the resentment with her. She did nothing wrong at all but she still said she was sorry for creating a situation where I felt abandoned. I am happy we have worked through some of this and since I feel comfortable with her generally it is a good thing to have done.