New Here

[Cat21]

Hi everyone, I'm glad to have found this forum. It's good to have found a place where I can share with people who might understand what I'm struggling with.

I was diagnosed with PTSD ten years ago and have subsequently learned that I have CPTSD. Am currently in treatment for EMDR. I'm finding it a gruelling process to have EMDT treatments and go through the subsequent healing as my body reprocesses the stored trauma.

I'm struggling with the difficulties I have in building relationships with others.

I find trusting others very difficult and so keep my distance from people.

I'm in a long term relationship with someone I love very much and who loves me, but I struggle a lot with fear based rage and feeling insecurely attached. In my life as a whole I'm a very calm, placid, patient person, but because of my cptsd stemming from past physical, verbal and emotional abuse, alongside sexual assault, and multiple losses/deaths of family members and friends, I have struggles with being triggered by fears of abandonment in my relationship with my partner and so find myself getting triggered into "fight" mode when feeling threatened. I don't have these same issues in my friendships. I feel safer with other women and have a small number of Close women friends. But with my (male) partner, I find myself overwhelmed with fear of losing him, which triggers "fight" and then have to work very very hard not to rage at my partner when I get triggered into a place of feeling like my security in the relationship is threatened.I lose perspective, and find myself unable to simply explain what's happening inside me. I'm damaging my connection to him and feel very low about it.

My partner is kind, loving and I'm not afraid of him, but afraid of losing him. I don't want to hurt him with my pain but feel powerless when I get triggered into "fight" mode. I used to be triggered into "freeze" mode when ptsd triggered but after years of therapy and recovery work, I'm now struggling with getting stuck in "fight" mode and am frightened by how powerless I feel when this fear rage gets triggered. I don't lash out physically, but hurt with words and anger. It's hard to explain. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like a huge panic, and it feels like I'm fighting for my life and can't help leaking out emotional pain. I remove myself from the situation and work really hard not to lash out verbally but it can take days to get perspective and calm my nervous system. So there are times where my partner andI take space from each other so I have time to ground and calm myself and he has time to soothe his hurt at being emotionally leaked all over.

We want to reach a place of being able to live together but I don't know if I could ever do that as I'm so afraid of being close to him and losing him. Part of my cptsd is around multiple deaths in my family as a child and growing up.

I hope this is the right place to post this as part of my introduction. I'm very new here so not too sure.

[Kizzie]

This is exactly the right place to post your intro Cat. A very warm hello and welcome to the forum

Given what you've been through it's no wonder you "find trusting others very difficult and so keep my distance from people" (many of us do this), and slip into freeze or fight for fear of losing your partner (also common among members here). It sounds like you have worked quite hard on dealing with your CPTSD and know a lot about what your triggers are and how they arose.  That in and of itself is a lot of the heavy lifting in recovery so kudos! Reaching out to other survivors is another way to help yourself learn there are trustworthy people in the world and that we will not leave you.  We're always here and that can give your system some positive feedback.  Group hug if that's OK. 

 

[Moondance]

 

A warm welcome to you Cat21.

I'm fairly new here as well.

I'm so sorry for what you went through to bring you here Cat.

I struggle with the same issues you mentioned.  Trust, relational difficulties are a daily struggle. 

I have found on this forum supportive, encouraging, caring and understanding people.  It's a safe place even though I really struggle with feeling safe so that says a lot about the people here. 

Wishing you well on your journey.

[Cat21]

Thank you for your replies, Kizzie and Moondance. I really appreciate your kindness and support. I feel like I've got a lot to say and try to understand around CPTSD but I just don't feel safe talking about it in person in my life. It feels like it's taken me a long time to accept I actually have it. Dissociation and denial have been a big part of my experiences with trauma and CPTSD, so I honestly believed they'd made a mistake when I got the diagnosis. I also haven't understood that the emotional experiences I have as a result of CPTSD are not what other people live with. I have a high ACE score but didn't know that until last year. I don't remember a lot of things about my childhood. There are big gaps too in my adult memories. People show me photos of myself and I have no memory of them being taken. Friends and family members talk about memories of things we did or experienced together and I can't remember them. It's thought I've had trauma and ptsd from a very early age (experienced trauma shortly after I was born and had ongoing experiences) so I don't really know any other way to function. I keep all of this secret, most people in my life, including family, have no idea I have cptsd and it's painful and difficult to live not understanding that the emotional experiences are not my fault. I've seen myself as someone who doesn't seem to be able to do life the way other people can and have thought I must just be "not great at doing life". I haven't understood I'm living with a significant illness. I find it hard to accept that I have cptsd. There's a lot of shame for me around all of this. A lot of denial and dissociation in my family system. A lot of perfectionism and over functioning to dissociate and deny so I get lost in self blame and shame. It's good to finally find a place I can say all of this and try to make sense of it all. I'm tired of living with so much self blame, shame and secrecy. I want to heal and integrate. I'm tired of having to pretend I'm not living with the consequences of trauma, and want to fully accept and understand that I am and it's not my fault, that I'm not "failing at life", I'm living with a significant amount of trauma and cptsd, and that's not my fault. I hope this makes sense.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome, Cat21.

Much of what you say resonates with me, particularly the memory gaps, inability to trust, dissociation and denial.

I am glad you have a loving partner who you have been able to share things with, at least to some extent. I've been married to my husband for over 30 years and have shared next to nothing of my emotional struggles with him. He himself comes from a very dysfunctional family and has an awful mother (as do I) so I think he has quietly seen and understood more than I give him credit for.

I wish you all the very best and I am sure you will find support and help from the members of this forum. I have found it is a safe place to be.

[Moondance]

Yes I really get the failing at life feeling.  I always thought there was something wrong with me, that something has,always been missing, at the core of me.  So yes what you say totally makes sense to me.

And now I am finally starting to understand and process that yes there is/was something missing a all along for me - the neglect/abandonment, abuse were the reason I didn't have the tools to do life.  I recall saying to my T, it's like playing the game of monopoly (life) and not knowing all the rules.

Understanding  sent your way if that's okay and if not please disregard.

[Kizzie]

So the memory (or lack thereof) issue is common for a lot of us Cat, myself included.  I call it swiss cheese memory - lots of holes.  Mine came from dissociating to greater or lesser degrees throughout my life to keep the pain and  grief at bay. It's been embarrassing on occasion like when we had a couple over to supper and I said it's so nice to meet you and the fellow who was a workmate of my H's said "What? We know each other." Quite embarrassing!  I had no recollection of him.

I really like that you are determined to end the blame, shame and secrecy. It really isn't us who are weak and should feel shame, it's the person or people who perpetrated the abuse/neglect who actually have the problem and need to be held accountable.

We have a project just getting off the ground here to write an anthology of stories from OOTS survivors that we hope will be shine a light on abuse/neglect that takes place behind closed doors and basically will say "It isn't us" it's the people who hurt us and call for an end to silence, secrets and shame. We need acknowledgement of what we've been through, understanding and support, and to be treated with dignity and respect. And a lot more access to effective treatment and services of course.

So all this is to say bravo to you for undertaking recovery and healing a   You're in the right place to help that along.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Cat,

Welcome to the forum. I remember finally being diagnosed with PTSD in 2005. I didn't understand how I could have a trauma disorder when back then, PTSD was only diagnosable in people who'd had near death experiences. Train crashes, house fires, war battles, car accidents...things like that. But the treatment was working, so I accepted that PTSD must have been the right diagnosis. It wasn't until somewhere around 2018 when I learned the term Complex-PTSD, and then, a couple of years ago I read Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, and it all made sense to me.

Like you, I didn't really believe I had it. I spent most of my life saying "My childhood was great! My family is a loving family! I have no reason to be suicidal like I am, so I must have been born broken." I lived in shame for my inability to trust people and my growing list of seemingly disconnected personal issues: Phobias; a quick flight response when someone attacks me; Muscular-Skeletal aches and pains; inability to focus, a chronic daydreamer; freezing when I need to fight; headaches; chronic digestive issues; sleeplessness; night terrors; severe mood swings; suicidal ideation from age 12; and more. I spent most of my life believing I was just too wimpy to handle reality. The diagnosis of Complex-PTSD was, for me, a godsend. It explained why I have such a happy exterior, while I suffer silently in terror and shame. Now that I understand CPTSD, I don't blame myself anymore for my negative reactions and my distrust issues. Now that I don't blame myself for them, I am better able to handle them.

I don't measure my healing in days, I measure it in years. Each year, I can see that I handle life just a bit better than I could a year ago. I've been in therapy for most of my life, and have read countless self-help books, and have joined groups where I can share with others like me. All of these things help.

I'm very glad that you found this forum. I hope that by reading what others share, and by sharing whatever you feel comfortable sharing about yourself, that you get the strong sense that you are supported by others who you don't need to explain yourself to. We all get it. We all have different stories of how we got here, but in the end, CPTSD brings similar fears and flashbacks and memory lapses and difficulties to each of us. No matter what complex, crazy emotion I've shared on this forum during the past two years, the beautiful people on this forum resonate and corroborate with me that they deal with the same issues I do. It feels validating. I'm not crazy. I'm a healthy person responding how people respond to an unhealthy past.

I'm proud of myself and the people on this forum who have been raised in cruelty and unreasonable expectations, because most of us here on this forum grew up to NOT be the next abuser in a chain. We internalized our pain and chose to be good people. Some people who are raised in confusing childhoods just become aggressive abusers (bullies) themselves and pass the pain on to the next person. We are not like that. The bullying stops here with us. We support each other and find our joy in our friendships with others who know what it feels like to be us.

So I'm very glad you found the forum and I truly hope that it gives you the comfort that you came for, and more.