The one abuse flavor I thought I didn't have - probably triggering

[DD]

I thought that my inability to even acknowledge that saying no in a sexual situation is even an option was due to the other issues I've had. Or due to the fact that all the relationships I remember (I seem to have blocked one out of memory) were such that my boundaries and pleasure were far less important than the wants of the other. Recently I discovered that I am absolutely quite helpless in a sexual situation to say no even when there are parts of my mind going wild about what is happening. And all of it is internal. To the eyes of the other, I can seem very willing. And after I am like "what happened?" and "HOW in the world could I let it go there against everything I believe?". I've avoided all dating since noticing I have no ability to say no to even unprotected sex with a stranger. I am safe only if nothing dangerous is proposed. Or that reaction can be brought about. I sometimes can make requests but am unable to f.ex. leave the situation if my input is not listened to. So I keep myself safe by keeping myself out of situations that could lead there.

This spring I started to have a feeling that "something has happened" in my childhood. Yesterday I woke up from a dream where I was prepped for rape and was begging no knowing full well it won't help, in another scene I was groomed for sexual stuff as a child with an adult and again a pervasive feeling was that it was bound to happen. These scenes were intersperced with scenes where I was completely alone or helpless, and scenes where I was so repulsive as to never find anyone who would want to be with me. Never before have I woken up from a dream feeling like having a stiff drink of something too strong for me.

That then lead to having a mental image of a quite small hand approaching a large penis. This image got me retching and crying. I've only had this reaction to things I can for a fact say has happened.

So while some of me still wants to deny this as there is no proof (?), I think I have found another puzzle piece to how I am now and what issues I have. My sister was sexually abused. My parents never attempted to figure out who. And the social circle was much the same. My parents also had the tendency to leave us with whomever. It is then quite possible. Maybe this is more an cry to the universe to testify and witness.

[Armee]

Hey. I'm sorry and I understand and am going through the same. The best I've been able to figure to do is to continually remind myself now currently I am safe, over and over. With proof. I also experience what you mention as participating and appearing engaged while other parts in my head are having a fit. Both things are happening simultaneously and it is very odd. So gentle hugs.

I really admire that you've had the insight and strength to institute a rule to keep yourself safe at this point of time when you are not able to protect yourself. That is probably necessary for now as much as it probably sucks too. To have that safety to rest into while you heal and recover. My recovery of different puzzle pieces has been extremely slow, meaning this stuff reveals itself frustratingly slowly and ambiguously and unpredictably.

I'm sorry you are going through this and went through this.

[DD]

I'm so sorry you are going through it too. And thank you for witnessing my trauma.
It is like these vague flashes with immense emotional and physical reactions.

It is really hard for me to decide if I want to remember more. As you said Armee, recovering the puzzle pieces is so very slow. it is ambiguous and I have the feeling of "maybe I am just being a drama queen and imagining it all". My therapist asked me straight where's the audience. As there is none.

And maybe for the best the memories dribble instead of flood too. I had dissociated from the first 20 years of my life for the next 20. And now it's coming back. And it can rob me of all functionality. And has at times.

A gentle hug for you too Armee.

[Armee]

Thanks, Dragon Dancer. I've found the more I look at it head on, whatever pieces are being fed to me by my brain, the less insistent the intrusive flashes are. Like if those memories know they are getting the attention they need from me to start healing the less loud and frightening they need to be. It sounds like you've experienced this way of recovering memory for other forms of abuse too.

I've gone through this already too with something awful that happened when I was 19. I did not handle those memory flashes with grace but learned some lessons working through that in a way that really prolonged the suffering. So now with these other ones, from younger, it's been a lot less destabilizing. Start with believing yourself as much as you can. For 2 years I knew what happened more or less and denied it and it was it's own form of torture. Because as soon as I called myself just crazy or anxious and nothing happened, the part that knew something happened would get louder and the conflict caused physical and psychological pain.

What I finally found that worked for me when that push pull of denial and fear would be at its worse was...

I finally started a running probability in my head. When something would happen that freaked me out and made me think something really happened (a disgusting image, body pains, etc) I would say "ok so maybe given everything I know about the situation, it's 75% likely this happened for real, and 25% likely nothing happened and I'm just anxious."

Then when the doubt would come up "ok but I would remember if it did" then I'd downgrade the probability a bit, maybe it became 60%/40%. I just kept doing this every new thing that would pop up...proof I was right or doubt...I'd just adjust the probability. It kept me from outright denying myself and the memories and stopped that internal war: "You're Crazy!" "But then why am I seeing or feeling this? This is real!"

Eventually the probability got to 100% as I collected more puzzle pieces. So for you, you know you have no audience. You know your sister was abused this way. You know you were in similar circles. You know you are having these flashes of imagery and body memory. So perhaps your starting probability would be 80%? With 20% room for doubting yourself and calling yourself crazy? 

I don't know if that will be a helpful trick for you but it saved me a lot of suffering once I started doing this. It isn't some proven trick, just something I found that worked for me and my quirky brain.

[DD]

Thank you Armee. A lot of my issue is the fact that all my suffering was denied, dismissed and basically just made so non-important that I began to doubt myself. This last two years has been a quite a difficult road of "I'm not crazy". Some proof came in the form of notes my mother made which proved neglect, repeated abandonment, some from her words about hitting. My returned memories gave me back the knowledge how utterly alone, broken and miserable I was growing up. And all the ways I tried to show that to the people who should have cared. 

so yeah. I think it is about time I do start to trust myself. It has never lied to me before. It is the only one before the age of 34 that did not. The body reaction is too unique and too strong to lie. I also really like your idea of probabilities and statistics. and I like the sound of the returning memories being less disruptive.

So I'd say there is about a 90% probability with all I know of the situation that I was sexually abused so young that it broke some very essential things in me. And that the memories that are returning are all too real. The feeling of "it's going to happen" was familiar.

Is it normal to feel this nauseous? what causes it?

[Bach]

Is it normal to feel this nauseous? what causes it?

Pretty sure that's your fight-or-flight response kicking in.  I get that awful nausea when I remember upsetting things, like a bomb going off in my gut, and my heart pounds.  It's scary but not dangerous.  EFT tapping and breathing help me with that a lot. 

Sending you warm good wishes as you confront these difficult things on your way to healing.

[Armee]

It is normal. Yes, I feel it when I am processing terrible things too and agree with Bach part of fight flight freeze...the physiological changes that occur when that is active. I'm glad you can believe yourself 90%. That's enough to start to process and heal.

It is possible. I never thought I could process what happened but it really has taken the edge off. I'm not done but it did help and is helping.

[DD]

I think it likely that it was around the age 5-6 when this happened because I changed from a happy smiling child to a moody, crying and argumentative for months if not longer. In my gut I feel that something happened more than once. Because I can feel in my body the terror of foreboding, of knowing where events are leading and being helpless to do anything about it.

My M writes in our family journals that she was wondering taking me to a doctor. Never did. Neither did she do this when I was bullied at school and had constant stomach aches and didn't want to go there. She just asked me to pray for the strength to deal with it on my own. Or when the migraines started. Never once did we go to a doctor for that.

Or when I was about 9 and a man stopped his car next to me and tried to get me into it while having his penis out. We did go to the police for that and I had to recount everything I could recollect in my traumatised, shocked fragments. But no school therapist or any of the sort. Just, you know. Pray. and for the love of God, don't speak about it.

[Blueberry]

About nausea and other physical reactions - the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van del Kolk probably goes into that in some detail. I can't remember, I haven't read the book for a long time, but it's probably covered, in case you want to read up some more.

I've only skim-read your posts on this read because I don't want to trigger myself with anything atm.

[DD]

fully understandable Blueberry. Take care of yourself.

I've actually read that two years ago when I was at a shelter with my kids. I think I need to read it again. Thanks for reminding me.

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, the book does mention nausea. I read it recently and have it on my tablet. It references nausea in connection with the flight/flight response. Gabor Mate in "When the Body Says No" also mentions the connection of the gut to the emotional centre of the brain.