Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

TheBigBlue  Thank you so much for reading. I am glad we are on the journey together.

[HannahOne]

What I want to remember about today is owning my feelings. A three hour drive (and at these prices for gas!) with music and crying. I feel so much more connected to myself. To All of Me. Not just one part.

It feels strange.

I feel more in my body. I can feel the inside of myself. I am making contact with me.

And with other people. Other people are hard! It's not easy for me. Some relationships are much easier than others.

The hardest is my partner. Nothing bad to say about the man, he is a good man. I struggle. I truly struggle. After decades together, I struggle.

We went out to eat. Trial date. I felt shy and nervous.  How can that be?!

We had a miscommunication at the grocery store.

Here comes the empty bottle of milk. Here's the empty fridge. Here's the feeling of being a piece of wood.

It's just wild.

This has always been going on... I just didn't notice it this way. I ignored it, fought it, shut it down, pushed through it and did what I thought I should do. If I were someone else. Someone normal.

this is so different. This is me.

These are my feelings.

They have nothing to do with my partner. Or the groceries.

Things with my partner are imperfect. Hello, have you met me? LOL. And he's a whole other person. But he's not an empty fridge.

Relationships are difficult. Relationships are ground zero where it all went down. Relationships, and my body.

Tomorrow starts the series of specialists to take me to the next step. Pulmonologist tomorrow. Cardiologist Wednesday. So * triggering.

Frank is devouring a head of romain lettuce. He eats all the green leafy parts first. Then chomps the white parts. He's very serious about it. It's serious business, survival. Eat to live. He spends at least 12 hours a day eating. Being an herbivore and all it takes a lot of dry hay and lettuce to get enough protein. Not sure how he does it. Well, partly by eating his own poop and redigesting it.  Moving on....

Speaking of digesting old crap. LOL. I am not sure what I want in a relationship. It's 100% clear that no relationship can "heal" me. That no relationship can take away these feelings of mine. Can solve or resolve or absolve me of them.

Relationships could help me grow. Could give me a corrective experience? Could help me learn new paths? Could be fun? I don't really get it, to be honest. 

The relationship with my partner is three decades in. Can anything new, corrective or helpful happen in such worn grooves? Very unsure. Fun? Eh.

In a new relationship, would I show up differently? Unsure, but doubtful. Still so much fear. Mistrust. And still feel like my picker isn't so good. I got lucky with my partner, overall.

Sp what is it that I want when I want to be in a partnership?

There's no nirvana, no samsara. No ultimate safety, security. Maybe a better question is, how can I be in a relationship? How to be, when it's messy, when I'm me, when I'm complex because I have complex PTSD, when I have all this baggage, all these feelings. Wherever I go, there I will be.

I don't know. I am aiming to find out in the weeks and months ahead.

But tomorrow, the body.

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, i so hope your medical stuff goes smoothly, w/ the least discomfort for you.  and that you're listened to.

yay for road therapy!  i indulged in some in the past couple weeks as well.  still trying to figure out some of it, but for the most part i know it's a good thing.  so glad you've got that resource, too.

my guess as to the nerves on your trial date is expectations.  something got labeled differently, as in 'trial date', and that brought along its own bucket of expectations.  just my thought - if not relatable, just ignore.

best to you w/ the rest of all you're looking at.  relationships can be difficult, i know.  there are expectations for them as well.  sending love and a hug w/o expectations attached.

[NarcKiddo]

The relationship with my partner is three decades in. Can anything new, corrective or helpful happen in such worn grooves? Very unsure. Fun? Eh.

Yes, new things can happen. My relationship is well over 3 decades in. My husband is a good man. He has been good at adapting as I throw different NKs at him. He did not (and does not, still) understand CPTSD. He realised early in our relationship FOO was at the root of many of my problems and cheered quietly from the sidelines as I started extricating myself. It has not been easy and I nearly left the relationship some 10 years ago but that would have been a big mistake on my part. I have been forced to bring adult NK to the relationship because of course it is not feasible for him to look after child NK, plus he has his own trauma history.

Of course change and growth depends on both parties, not just one. But if you are still with him after 30 years and truly consider him to be a good man then I would bet things can change. You comment that you have to bring you to a relationship. Of course you do. And he's chosen to be with you for all those years. He likely realises, or at least senses, more than you know. I don't think we are quite as good at pretending to be normal human beings in front of a long term partner as we like to think we are. In my case I had to start trusting my husband and actually telling him some things. Yikes. The sky did not fall in.

Good luck with all the medical stuff. It's no fun, but you've got this. I'm rooting for you.

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, hearing what you had to say about your own journey with your husband really touched me. I was unsure if I should even write about it. I'm glad I did. I really appreciate what you had to say and am going to ponder it. It's very meaningful to me to hear another survivor has grown in a long relationship. I'm bemused that "after years you had to start trusting your husband," Yes, I'm in the same boat. I didn't realize the extent to which I didn't trust him. I respect the journey you shared in your comment and admire the no-nonsense wisdom you have gained. I have a lot to consider here. Thank you for commenting, and for rooting for me.

Thank you SanMagic7!! Road therapy is it. Today seven hours of road therapy. I can't believe all these tears. I think it's old stuff. Letting go. Grieving what I didn't have. And acceptance. I feel more grounded. Very very sad. My heart literally hurts. And, I feel more grounded. Less tense. Less stressed. Thank you so much for the love and hug. I am trying to take in caring. Thank you for commenting.

[HannahOne]

I assume I'll write again soon but if I don't, no worries. I might need a little time.     

[TheBigBlue]

 

[NarcKiddo]