I Am

[Bach]

My subconscious fights back so hard against anything good. Good things throw me right into self-destructive mode. It's horrifying to realise that I've been this way all my life. Frustrating that it took all these years to figure that out when now it seems so obvious. Even more frustrating still that I finally have figured that out, but still can't seem to stop it from happening!

[sanmagic7]

 

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Bach]

I'm in such a desperately bad state of mind these past few days. It probably has a physical cause in that I rather abused my body with bad food choices for several days running last week. That's a big part of self-destructive mode. I get an idea in my head that I can get away with that, but that idea is wrong. It also tends to be self-perpetuating because of my addiction response to sugar. Life is feeling impossible right now, too difficult, too painful, too much. I just don't seem to have the energy to get it right.

I must not lose hope, because there is no hope unless I believe in it.

[Hope67]

Bach, this sounds like such a painful cycle, and I'm sorry you're in it. Seeing the pattern is real progress, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. I hope things ease for you soon.  Sending you a hug of support 

[NarcKiddo]

 

I think that getting it right does not have to mean getting it all right all of the time. Even making one good food choice among several suboptimal ones is getting something right.

 

[sanmagic7]

bach, i'm w/ hope and NK all the way.  i know the sugar binge thing.  it never ends well.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Friends, as always, you're right that the picture isn't as bleak as it seems.  Also that I must recognise my good choices even if it doesn't seem like they're "enough" or there are "enough" of them or whatever.  I just wish I had more things in my life that really felt good, that would make all this struggle feel worth it. 

[Bach]

I've been very depressed for the past several days.  This morning I felt some glimmers of coming out of it, and was pondering how to gently nurture those glimmers without wrecking everything by trying or expecting to be able to force myself out of the funk and FEEL BETTER.  Then I had a mishap with an online order, one of those things where you order the thing you want and then they present you with a "special deal" on another product.  I thought I had declined the additional product, but when I got my order confirmation email I saw that I had been charged for it, and that sparked up RAGE.  I yelled and cursed a few times, then immediately wrote to the company asking them to cancel and refund the additional product.  I suspect it will be one of those things where they don't reply for a while, and then tell me that the order has already been processed and can't be cancelled.  It's not the end of the world, I can grieve it with my credit card company, and if worst comes to worst, it's not that much money, but still I am full of RAGE.  I feel burdened by every bit of the business of life, and completely unrewarded by anything.  And I hate the feeling of rage but I'm trying to hold on to it, because as soon as I lose energy and it slips away, most likely the depression will be back. @#$%^&* THIS LIFE, I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.

This will pass...won't it?

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, it will pass. That sort of thing is guaranteed to provoke rage in anyone, so actually you might be being very smart in holding onto that rage, at least for a while, especially if you think the alternative is to get depressed about it. It is a totally justified and valid reaction. People might say 'no, normal people do not rage over online orders' but I can assure you that they do. Not just me, for I am hardly normal, but I hear plenty of people raging about this sort of thing.

I'm glad you felt the glimmers coming and I hope they are still there even if they are currently blanketed with a covering of rage. 

[Bach]

NK, I think the rage is one of the glimmers.  For the past several days I have been feeling pretty dead inside, and rage is at least some energy.  Any kind of energy is better than that dead inside feeling.

[sanmagic7]

bach, i was just where you are last week, and this week i'm feeling better.  it's so rough, tho, to go thru this, give it the time it needs so we can come out the other side.  just wanted to let you know you're not alone with this.  love and hugs