the next step

[sanmagic7]

full grieving mode right now.  lots of tears, lots of emptying out, lots of forlorn, pain, hurt, and just plain sadness.  some anger, too.  i even found some vengeful thinking for a minute, but shushed that away.  i don't want to be that person.

[NarcKiddo]

When you have processed the main part of the grieving it might be worth revisiting the vengeful thinking a little. Not to be that person but to help get it out. You're not that person - shushing it away proves it - but those thoughts may still have some validity. It's a hard thing to process and you were wise to get the thoughts out of the way while you do the main grief work. And maybe you will find you have successfully got rid of them anyway, just by finding them for that minute and reporting them here. Please ignore this if not helpful.

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, NK.  always helpful

i'm going to the healing porch for a few days.  this grief is too much right now.

[HannahOne]

Grieving is so important, to take the time for it to be what it is. And vengeful thinking has its place, the fight response. You won't enact it, but you can feel it, you can make it safe to feel all the feelings now and pour them out. Holding you in healing light, Sanmagic7. 

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, that healing light made a huge impact on me.  thank you so much for that, for being by my side.

i finally did some Flash, and also eye movements on grieving my D1 yesterday.  i could barely stand the pain, the distress of it all.  i was able to picture holding the bunch of balloons while i was holding the main string attached to them all, and i let it go, watched her lift into the sky getting smaller and smaller.  i thought about having hope that she'd come back some day, differently than she'd been in the past, but i couldn't or didn't want to feel that hope - it was too painful, so i let go of another balloon w/ the word 'hope' on it, watched it fly away with her.  in my mind i thought that they might meet up some day, but i don't have to carry it anymore.

i ended up feeling calmer, lighter, and today i'm not so distressed.  we'll see how this holds.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you're feeling calmer, lighter and less distressed. Maybe some of that distress managed to attach to a balloon of its own.

[SenseOrgan]

Gosh San, that's heavy stuff you're processing. Your D1... I can't even imagine. It's so brave you're doing this.

I hope it's not out of place for met to second what NK said about vengeful thinking. If those feelings are there, than they are. It has brought me a lot to allow myself to feel hate. Getting rid of it, for one. It too can pass through, like other feelings.

Hugs from Holland.
By the way, there's one purple tulip flowering in my garden. If I could, I'd give it to you. 

 

[HannahOne]

I'm still in the earlier stages of my parenting journey, and I'm only learning to let go slowly. I can imagine the strength and courage it takes to let go of an adult child, SanMagic7, and to let go of hope too, as hope can become heavy. I stand in awe of that courage and strength.