Marcine’s journaling forward

[Marcine]

Well, here I am doing exactly what triggers me deeply— being vulnerable and exposing the soft belly of my self... I thought I could never post a recovery journal, that it would be too dangerously serving myself up to be eaten alive... and here I am.

Logically, I know that I am writing here because it is a safe place on this forum and that I have experienced connection and kinship with others here.

Emotionally, I crave to connect authentically and I am terrified to connect authentically.

What an intense, churning mix of feelings.

The more I have inched my way out in the social world as authentic me (a relatively recent phenomenon) the more I anticipate facing the old terrors, the boogey man, the rhino in James and the Giant Peach... But, I find there's no epic threat, no terrifying villain, no do-or-die existential danger... and this is very confusing.

Sitting with this confusion shows me that the old dangers were real, that the old equations of authenticity=death were lies, and that I can maybe-kinda-sortof BE in the present.

That's more of an intellectual understanding.

Right now, my heart is pounding, a headache is throbbing— I see you, old warnings of danger. Thank you for being of service and helping alert me during times of survival in the past.
I release you from service now. This newness is not dangerous.

And even as I wonder "what have I done?" by writing this, I shall tap on "post" and, after clinging to the shore for so long, I leap into the wild, vast current of being human me.

[TheBigBlue]

Your post touched me so deeply. The way you described that mix of longing and terror - wanting connection but bracing for danger - is exactly where I keep finding myself too. I actually tried starting a recovery journal last week, and I spiraled so hard afterward that I ended up deleting everything yesterday.


Reading your words: the courage, the clarity, the way you honor both the fear and the part of you that wants to be seen, gives me hope that I might try again someday. The fact that you tapped "post," even with your heart pounding and old danger signals firing, is incredibly inspiring.

You made this space feel a little safer for the rest of us who are inching our way toward authenticity too. Thank you for sharing something so raw and brave. It matters. And it helped me more than you might realize. 

 

[Desert Flower]

Yes, Marcine, very authentic and real and brave you are.

It made me think of something I read recently, that Janina Fisher wrote: "Why do therapists keep asking me to sit with my feelings? They don't understand. I don't have feelings, I have tsunamis!"

I can totally relate, wanting to be validated and being scared of reaching out at the same time. Here is a safe place to reach out, in my experience. I hope it will help you too.

 

[Marcine]

Thanks TheBigBlue and Desert Flower for your support.

I've been exploring what it means to be authentically myself. And finding there's a lot of unhelpful habits that operate in my day to day, way more than I consciously realized...

For instance, I'm aware that I cultivate a competent, chill demeanor, but I didn't realize the depth of perfectionism and control that underpins it. I'm not by nature a controlling person and so I can see the learned aspect of tightly clutching to known security like a castaway to a life ring.

But awareness alone doesn't free me from the tyrannical cycle of: fears-clutching-desperate search for security-self contortion.

This week on my quest to be more authentic, I've made some mistakes and I've felt vulnerable because of it and I've realized the grief of how foreign this all seems, this business of being a human being... and again I wonder what I am doing.

But there's no going back, there never is for me, once awareness dawns and I refuse to pretend.

At heart, I am a bad pretender. I am a not-good faker. I am unskilled at telling lies... oh, except for the lies I was force-fed and have told myself all my life. Those I got very good at telling to convince myself. But I also always oriented to truth.

So, what a quandary. Now no longer willing to lie to myself AND not yet ready to fully emerge as my genuine self.

I wish it felt more like a hermit crab that is vulnerable for a time as it grows and must move to a new, better-suited shell home.

Right now I feel like a turtle whose protective shell is fused to its very body existence and cannot survive without it.

[Chart]

Indeed Marcine, it seems you've chosen the red pill. This is what courage means. No matter how unstable and unbalanced this feels, know, truly know, you are incredibly brave and pushing forward. Jung talks much about this, discovering the authentic self. I firmly believe this is the right path.
Sending support, Chart

[Marcine]

Thank you, Chart. I also do believe this is the right path— the one towards truth and light and compassion. Even when it's such strange, unfamiliar terrain that it seems to be the wrong way.

Last night I had a significant migraine and flashback. Today I am steeped in anger and depression. Anger at having had to give up big chunks of myself to survive. Depressed that self-esteem was collateral damage. And, well, that my self was damaged.

I'm realizing I exist in flashback state a lot of the time, more than I knew. This knowledge is helpful and infuriating and depressing.

I imagine my therapist would say that these realizations are a sign of my healing. To which, today, I would reply with a choice expletive.

[Chart]

I imagine my therapist would say that these realizations are a sign of my healing. To which, today, I would reply with a choice expletive.

Marcine, so sorry about the migraines, ef and all its consequences. Becoming conscious of pain is extremely unpleasant. I think that's why we often feel like we're regressing and simply not making progress. As the layers of the onion peel back, there's easily a painful realization that accompanies. Pain is often overwhelming, but it is also a sign of consciousness, awareness. I'm still trying to figure out the relationship between the conscious and unconscious mind (do they actually communicate, exchange, recognize... or do they hate each other's guts?). There has to be "some kind" of interaction there... Anyway, my point is that suffering or even increased pain is not necessarily a sign that we are NOT healing. I'm hedging my bets and hoping (praying?) that my irritated bowel syndrome is a sign of healing... that my morning anxiety is a sign of healing... that my brain fog and complete absence of energy is a sign of healing...

And if all this healing doesn't kill me, I should be right as rain soon! :-)

Sending support and hugs.
 

[NarcKiddo]

Well done for being brave enough to start a journal and keep posting in spite of your fears.

I'm sorry you're struggling right now with migraine and EF. I think this time of year is tough for many of us, but of course we have no control over when the dreaded EF strikes. I've also started noticing that a long EF can rise and fall a bit. So just when I think it might have gone because I feel great one morning I realise it is actually lurking under the surface and it takes very little to ramp it up again. Your comment about what your therapist would say to you resonates with me, because I am sure my increased awareness is also a sign of healing. Doesn't make it easier to weather, though.

[SenseOrgan]

You are very welcome here Marcine! And we're here right next to you, in the same boat, cheering you on. In the modest time that I've been interacting here, I've found this to be an almost ideal place to relate to others authentically without so much terror involved. It's a work in progress, I think for many of us. Interacting here does/can bring up old fears and coping mechanisms. It does for me too. But it's okay. It's safe here. Safe enough. There are a lot of gradients in the level you decide to challenge yourself here. There's a lot of room here to play around with disclosing what and when, for instance, which can help to ease your way into this journaling thing.

There's a lot of dedication to your authenticity shining through your posts. I like it a lot, and I appreciate the rawness of your sharing. Our sport is a pretty complex and messy mix of grieving who we had to become, couldn't be, and "sinking into who we are" later in life. In connection with others. I'm grateful for you to be on this team.

Much love

[Marcine]

Chart, NK and SO,
thank you for your compassionate and intelligent responses... I could delve into deep conversation on each reply. But since this is a journal, suffice to say that I am touched by the support you offer, I receive it gratefully with immense respect for the hard-earned insights you share generously.

On my quest for authentic self-expression, I looked today at the opposite— imposter syndrome (feeling like an incompetent fraud when others see a very capable individual) and found the work of Valerie Young.

She writes that everyone has unconscious rules about what it means to be competent. People who feel like imposters hold themselves to impossible standards of competency, which inevitably leads to falling short, evoking shame and self-doubt.

I decided to write a list for myself in response to: if I was a truly competent mother and human I should be able to always—-

... a list of 40 items streamed out onto the paper. From "I should be able to control all aspects of myself and conditions around me", "fix everything to be unbroken", "only say the right thing", "keep boundaries and make everyone happy", "spend no money", "fit in properly and be accepted by society", "know all", "have endless patience", "assure financial stability eternally", "prevent my kids from suffering", "never be a hassle", and "if I was a truly competent human, my parents would have loved me."

Every single one of the 40 items is so absurdly impossible and inhumanly unrealistic. And they have been operating in my subconscious as the benchmark for success in life... as definitions of being a competent human being!

I felt a joy and a relief in shining a light into this shadowy area of myself. I cherish the moments when I see one of my own blind spots. It is exhilarating and I feel freedom.

Now, I turn toward the task, the journey of redefining the true meaning of competency for myself.
A personal definition of success on my terms.

I see a path out of shame, inadequacy, self-blame and exhaustion from fighting the massive burden of carrying these unconscious sabotaging lies for so long.

I live for adventure and the journey towards truth.