Introducing myself…hello!

[Mary Ann]

Hello.
I've spent months reading peoples different posts and I've finally taken the plunge to register myself.
I've never taken part in any forum before and so I'm really quite nervous about this.
I was told a while back when treated by a clinical psychologist that I had cptsd, and I've been in therapy for several years.
I'm the youngest child in my family, and all my siblings were teenagers or young adults when I was born.
My Mother has always been mentally ill and unstable with an unpredictable volatile temper.
Because of this I experienced neglect, physical and emotional abuse, and was passed around to anyone that would have me.
I experienced bullying from my siblings, particularly my grown up sister, who was left in charge of my care a lot of the time.
A lot of her behaviour towards me was harsh and even cruel looking back, and she was more of a caregiver/attachment figure than a sibling to me.
I was sexually abused as a child and as a young adult by several people both inside and outside my family.
I was also severely bullied by other kids throughout my time at school, and this included being hit, spat on and punched.
When I was a small child my sister moved away for a time, and I was left entirely to the care of my volatile older Mother.
It's a weird paradox, because sometimes she showed me off to her friends, rather like a child with a new doll, but at times I was neglected and left to be looked after by people I didn't know.
Once I was not cute anymore, but old enough to be useful, I spent most of my time trapped with my Mother, cooking, cleaning doing whatever work she had to do, she was so controlling by then, if she stood up to work then I had to work at the same task, if she sat down to rest I had to as well.
She got angry if I wanted to spend time alone away from her.
I also had to listen to all her problems while trying my best to manage her moods, but what child can ever do that!
Like a lot of people from a complex trauma background, I thought my family life was pretty normal.
It wasn't until I married and had children myself that I saw that it wasn't.
Though I often worry that I'm going to pass this stuff on to my kids, thankfully they are happy, healthy teenagers, who've been able to act like kids.....because they are.
Because my symptoms of anxiety and depression have been so unmanageable, I've recently started taking medication alongside the therapy, and I'm hoping that this means I've turned a corner.
I'm feeling very scared that I've written all of this stuff, it makes me feel like I'm going to get in trouble somehow, it feels like something bad is going to happen.
But I'm also fed up of being paralysed by my own fear....so here goes.
Sorry for the long rambling bit of writing...

[woodsgnome]

 

Greetings, Mary Anne ... Here's hoping your step in joining with this compassionate group will help pave your road to recovery.

[bluepalm]

A warm welcome to you, Mary Anne, and thank you for your introduction. I was scared when I first posted on this forum and I am all too familiar with that sense that I've done something wrong and something bad is about to happen to me. So I hope that now you are a contributor you will find the support and understanding that I found once I started to contribute; support that has helped me gain confidence in posting my thoughts. I should also say that medication - an anti-depressant and Prazosin for nightmares - has enabled me to experience a calm and less fraught existence and I'm hugely grateful for the difference it's made to everyday living. I hope you experience similar support from your medication.

[paul72]

welcome Mary Ann
Thank you for sharing.. I hope your fear of doing so eases
I totally understand that, but hopefully it gets easier for you

[Bermuda]

Hello and welcome. Thanks for sharing part of your story. Unfortunately, shame can be a big part of cPTSD but nothing you wrote is worthy of shame. I hope you find strength in the community here.