Feeling harrassed

[Bluegem]

 I have not been here for a while but I know this is the one place I can safely express my feeling and pain  and will be understood.  For the last few days I have been very upset and angry and a little afraid. 

I have been NC with my mother for 2 years as I could no longer live with her refusal to acknowledge /show remorse for the abuse that I and my younger sister suffered through out our childhood.

Years of VLC turned to NC I sort of faded away ..I don't think I owe her any explanation but I told my sister (she is VLC with my mother)

occasionally my mother would send a friend request on facebook which I ignored & send birthday & Xmas cards asking me to ring her.  I threw them in the bin. IF I wanted to speak to her I would have already !

Two days ago my father rang me ( they have been divorced since I was about 4) as she had been in touch with him saying she was worried about me,  he had no idea I was NC with her & he gave her my mobile number. She then began calling & calling (I have my phone on silent) & leaving voice mails (I haven't listened to them) & I started to feel harrassed & didn't want to look at my phone etc.

Then it got much worse two policeman appeared at my home 'to check that I was ok'. She had told them she hadn't heard from me for a few weeks! I explained that it was actually 2 years and that I did not want to speak with her so ignored her messages etc.  They kept asking me if I was ok and if I needed any help . And if there was anyone under 18 at the property and asked the name of my doctors surgery 'as my story didn't match hers'

I was just with having a normal quiet evening with my partner and they made us  both feel as though they thought I was suffering domestic abuse or something ( although they didn't actually say it but the undertones were there). Understandably my partner was pretty upset by all of this when they left. 

I understand that they have to check these things out but I hate that my partner was so hurt by this and I feel responsible ...but  know that I am not and I wish she would just get the message and leave us alone.

My partner thinks I should contact her to tell her I don't want contact but even though I am angry and can't believe she did this, I am not prepared to open that door even a crack it has to remain shut, locked & sealed for my own sanity.

My biggest fear is that she  will just turn up on the doorstep one day.  I am really not sure I could handle that.  I haven't seen her for 14 years & have managed to keep my partner from ever meeting her too & I want it to stay that way.

[Not Alone]

That sounds so distressing. My guess is that your mom hearing that you don't want contact won't make a difference, but if you or your partner feel like she should hear that directly, could you ask your dad to convey that message? I'm not tech savvy, but I would guess there is a way to block her on your phone. Your fear of her showing up on your doorstep is understandable. Would it help a little if you made a plan of action of different things you could do if that were to happen?

I understand that they have to check these things out but I hate that my partner was so hurt by this and I feel responsible ...but  know that I am not and I wish she would just get the message and leave us alone.

You definitely are not responsible for your mother's actions.

[Blueberry]

I'd be really upset, nervous, worried too. If it helps at all here's a gentle 

I'm pretty sure M knows you don't want contact, reiterating it doesn't generally help ime. Depending on what country you live in it might be possible to do an order of no-contact, no-approach etc. I can't even remember what you call that in English. When I was being stalked, a lawyer did that for me.

If you check our sister website OutOfTheFog https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=35.0 you might find practical information. I wish I could remember the word in English for 'order of no contact' cuz then I could give you something to search for! Something I picked up on that site is that if a parent like yours (or mine) recontacts you after a long time of zero, they pretend they're worried about you but it's often because they need you for some reason. But you are NC and do not want contact with her! End of.

fwiw I'm VVVVLC with my parents but they still manage to 'forget' my boundaries every so often. Just playing power games with me or hoping to catch me out. It's not that they don't know or understand.

I second what Not Alone says: You are definitely not responsible for the actions of your M.!

[Not Alone]

restraining order where I live. Not sure what is involve legally.

[CactusFlower]

I would agree with Blueberry. She chose to involve police, so a restraining order should be filed against her. Making a false report to the police in the USA is a crime itself. if she's willing to do that, she'll probably try it again. If she does violate the restraining order, then she'll have to deal with the legal repercussions of harassing you. You are not responsible for her actions. gentle hugs if you want them, wishing you support with this.

[Blueberry]

P.S. Bluegem, I'd feel angry too! I don't want to leave you with the impression that only fear and upset are valid reactions here. (See my first response).

[Bluegem]

Thank you so much Not Alone, Blueberry & CactusFlower for your words of support.

I got home today to find what looks like a Christmas card from M. But I won't open it.  But there were no calls at least.  I  told my father that I have been no contact with M for 2 years  and don't want any, he understands the reasons &  fully supports my decision and is planning to visit me shortly.

I haven't told him about her sending the police round yet and don't want to get him involved if I can help it, I don't think that's fair as they have been divorced for over 40 years now.

I am torn between anger, fear, but also pity &  also feeling guilty for not wanting her in my life.  I know that her own actions have been the cause ..but still I can't help feeling like this.

  I know that she will never say she is sorry ( or at least not with the true feeling and depth of understanding  of the effects of her actions & inactions on my life.

Thank you for the suggestions on injunctions etc I will look at that in case I need it in the future.

[Kizzie]

Just read this BlueGem and found myself getting anxious so I can imagine what all this must feel like to you.  Perhaps if she does show up or continue to try and get in touch you might look at a restraining order.

I completely understand the guilt, I can't bring myself to go full NC with my NM but only because she doesn't harass or stalk me and watches her N behaviour around us for the most part. If she did any of that again I would go NC, because feeling unsafe is absolutely toxic to my health and well-being. It's hard when it's your M though I know.