To my... friend?

[Snowdrop]

=== TW mention of PA ===

Dear ...

I have always seen you as someone who is kind, caring and compassionate for those in need. Someone I could trust and depend on. You have been there for me so many times in the past.

I last met you a few years ago. I was in emotional pain. Memories of HB had started to surface, and I was just beginning to realise that it was abuse. That I'd been carrying trauma for so many years while thinking it was normal.

I tried to speak. It was hard. And you dismissed what I said. You told me that all siblings fight. And hadn't HB had a tough childhood? The things he says are just him, just his sense of humour. You made me think I was wrong. Mistaken. Ungrateful. Selfish. Stupid for thinking these things. Shamed.

I couldn't say anything more, and sensed you wanted to talk about other things. So we did. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

I want you to listen to me. What I experienced was abuse. It was trauma. It was real. Maybe all siblings fight, but not like that. Mine was much older than me, and not all siblings own weapons. Having a tough childhood is no excuse for what he did. It's unacceptable to say that's just the way he is. It was unfair of you to dismiss and minimise my experiences in this way.

I heard from you recently, a generic "hello" that went out to lots of people. I replied, as I miss the friendship that we had. I've heard nothing since. I don't know if I feel sadness or relief.

I thank you for the support you've shown me in the past, and I wish you well.

Snowdrop

[marta1234]

Snowdrop, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It makes my heart ache that you heard that. Sending you support and a warm hug 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Marta, I value your support and hug . It was painful to hear those words, especially coming from a trusted friend. I think it took me another year to try and open up about childhood trauma to anyone else.

[Tee]

  snowdrop I'm sorry friend minimised your experience.  Some people don't know what to say. It doesn't make it ok or less painful.  I've lost several friends through the process of trying to heal.  Sending a big hug of encouragement.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, I'm so sorry that your friend dismissed what you said and made excuses for/defended your HB. To be vulnerable and then minimized is so incredibly painful.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for validating me, Tee, and for the hug of encouragement. Losing friends is hard.

Notalone, that's exactly it. Thank you for validating me.

A part has felt very angry with the friend today. For the things I wrote about here, and more things I remembered about the conversation later on. The part is right to feel angry, and it feels healthy to get that buried anger out after so long.

[dollyvee]

I'm sorry Snowdrop that you had this experience. I agree that sometimes people don't know what to say and they break contact or frame it in a way that is easiest for them to deal with, which minimizes you. I feel like maybe we're given bigger wounds than most people can carry because we are strong but it doesn't make having to carry them alone any easier.

You deserve someone that hears you.