I can't be angry at someone (Tw)

[marta1234]

tw: heavy topic, mention of a*use---------------------

For these past months, I've realized that I have never been able to be angry at someone without being scared of being hurt physically back for that. Every time I have shown some sort of minor aggression (like ignoring a person, rolling eyes, etc.) in my life, I have immediately been afraid for my life, expecting punishment for how I'm acting. The thing is, it's still present today. And the fear for my safety is still very intense whenever I show "a tiny bit" of my anger or I find out that someone is angry at me. I'm just tired of feeling scared, so scared, when I assume a friend is angry at me (ignoring,etc.) or a family member. And I just don't find it fair that I have to go through agonizing torture just because this is a person that I care about.
I've told this to two people, but no one seems to understand this. I can't get any support from this.

Does anyone experience this? Or has?

[Bach]

I do, very much. I've been working on it for a few years in therapy and have improved a tiny bit, but it's still a huge problem.

[marta1234]

Hi Bach, thank you for your reply. It really helps to know that I'm not crazy.
I wanted to ask you, and if it's too personal there's no need to respond, but is there something that helped you understand better? Or a technique to cope with this?

[Blueberry]

Marta, you are definitely not crazy! The way you react is for me a major indicator that you have cptsd. For me, that's always been the most helpful - being told or remembering / reminding myself that I'm having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. There must have been an abnormal situation in your past where you felt in supreme danger because you showed a tiny bit of 'aggression' (eye-roll) or simply because you protected yourself the only way you could e.g. by ignoring someone. The fact that your reaction is still present today just means that this part of your trauma has not been healed yet.

You are not alone 

[Three Roses]

Yes, you're not alone. This is how I feel too. Can't say I'm better at it but being aware of it now I can do things to alleviate it after the fact.

[Kizzie]

Absolutely can relate to this Marta.     My T suggested the other day that anger is one of the most valuable tools humans have because it lets us know about injustice. In our case though expressing it typically opened the door to more abuse - nothing quite like a parent with NPD who goes into an N rage.  I often felt annihilated, ashamed, guilty, selfish - you name it. No wonder we are afraid of it, anger never worked out well for us.

What my T and I are going to work on is acknowledging and expressing anger in a regulated way, early on when I can stay regulated versus letting it build and build until it pushes its way out and I can't express it in a rational, reasoned way.  I guess to we will have to explore the notion that not everyone will react to anger as our parents/abusers did I don't know.   

Anyway, all this is to say you are most definitely not alone in this, that it is a symptom of CPTSD and what happened to you.   

[Bach]

Marta, this morning I was trying to come up with a response to your post to me.  Because it's all really hard to put into words, I didn't succeed, and decided to try again later.  Then I came back to this thread and saw that Kizzie's post, above, says something much like what I was trying to say but didn't have words for.  So I pretty much just want to agree with Kizzie, and encourage you to work on it.  As I said, it's still a huge problem for me, but it has improved since I identified it as a problem and started to work on it with my therapist.

[Not Alone]

I get it. To show anger could have severe consequences. One thing that I have found helpful is to be able to express anger to someone safe (usually that means my T) and feel heard and nothing horrible happens. It's not like that makes it all better, because it is a big issue, but it is a step.

[marta1234]

Thank you so much to everyone's replies.
I think I sadly just needed to realize that that excruciating fear happened, and that it was real. It's because of the many replies that it finally got to me, so again, I'm very grateful to the support from so many of you.

[Kizzie]