Feeling of emptiness

[ET]

Sorry for not having taken part in the forum the last months. I hope you don't mind.
I hope my question is not to personal ( maybe my question could trigger you  )
but I was wondering if some of you also have periods where you feel totally empty inside although the life outside is not at all empty. It feels like two films going on at the same time which just don't fit together and makes sometimes the feeling worse because nothing from outside can help the parts inside.
Send you all a big hug 
ET

[Kubali]

Hi ET

Yes I have a lot of emptiness too. I like the analogy of the two films you used. That seems to sum it up nicely. For me they mesh because I feel nothing for either the inner or outer world. Although I think that I should feel at least something for the outer one.

I have discovered that there is a link for me between a trigger and emptiness. Sometimes the Trigger occurs deep underground like an earthquake and so it just feels like a mild tremor to begin with. After a while I go to the empty space. Sometimes it can be a few days. Sometimes a few hours. It always ends with me grieving a hurt. But it takes time to percolate to the surface. Like forces are processing out of conscious awareness and all the energy has been directed there. So there is nothing left but emptiness on the surface.
I agree it's achingly painful and a very lonely place
Kubali

[ET]

Hi Kubali
Thanks for your reply. As you I also can not feel what I should feel with the things going on
at the outside I know I should feel a certain feeling in that situation but I can not, then it increases the
empty feeling.
Sometimes I can see a trigger but other times not it just comes. As you describe it can last an hour or days. Is there anything you found out to help you during this emptiness ?
I just know that it is less stressful when I avoid being around with people because it costs a lot of energy trying to interact when 2 different films are taking place at the same time.
Send you a big hug
ET

[Kubali]

Hi ET

I do have a resolution to the emptiness. However it's something I can't always do, but it works every time. It's simple really, but so hard. Crying. Just that. Force myself to cry.

If you are anything like me crying doesn't come easy. Suppose I was trained to keep it locked in. But one day I overcame the inner critic and just sobbed and sobbed. My God, the RELIEF!!

So now when the emptiness gets unbearable I put on a sad film and cry my heart out. Works every time. Emptiness goes and afterwards a kind of peace steals over me. I think it's like giving myself a Jump Start. I also notice that when I start crying almost immediately the Hidden trigger reveals itself and although I'm crying originally about the film, within moments the REAL hurt surfaces. Then the grieving begins.

Like I said earlier it's hard to go against the programming. It's anti-script isn't it? Now I cry more easily but it's taken years and I'm still grieving.

I do hope this helps you. Apparently tears release healing chemicals. I tell myself that when I don't feel weepy in the slightest. Just hard and cold inside. Those are the worst times. That's when I truly need to cry the most.

Try it and see if it works for you. Find that release.

Kubali

[rtfm]

It feels like two films going on at the same time which just don't fit together

Hi ET - the film analogy makes so much sense to me, I've never heard it put that way.  The outside bit is acting as if everything is totally OK - laughing at the right times, smiling at the right times, being serious at the right times.  And the inside bit is completely unable to feel any of it.

My emptiness is pretty persistent.  It's very, very rare that I actually feel things other than anger...but it's related to how much stress I'm feeling.  Nothing else seems to register, even though, as you say, life on the outside is anything but empty. 

Work helps me, because I find a lot of satisfaction in solving hard problems, even if it's just for a really tiny fleeting moment before the empty comes back. I usually have some kind of hobby that I do with my hands - building stuff makes me feel peaceful. I fight the empty with long walks with headphones in, where I just listen to the music and let whatever feelings come.  I read a lot. I write a lot.

All of these are alone time things...as you say, it helps because being two people at the same time in front of others is exhausting and, probably, triggering back to when it was required due to the abuse. 

Peace to you on your journey. You're not alone in this.

[ET]

Hi Kabuli and rftm
Kabul I never manage to cry but I am sure it would help a lot.
Rftm movement also helps me and music. I go jogging it also helps me feel better my body.
But during work you can not start jogging
When I am in that state I have to concentrate a lot to not lose the track . Do you also feel quite exshaused when that happens?
Big Hug 
ET