Suicide- How it feels when you get to that place. Afterwards looking back.

[TiredOfItAll]

I never officially attempted it.  I have come to the point where I had the pills in my hand and a drink to wash them down with.  I have gotten to a point where I wanted to swerve into oncoming traffic but never actually turned the wheel.  I have walked towards a train and wanted it to hit me me but backed out at the last minute.  I have had the suicide hotline number dialed but never pushed the call button.  I have driven to a mental hospital but never walked through the door, instead I sat in the parking lot and cried. I have never wrote a suicide letter saying good bye but have sat down to write it and even started the first line.  I have been, ever so close, on so many occasions, I couldn't count them on my hands, I don't have enough fingers. 
The pain, that brings you to this place, of not wanting to go on living is a suffering inside that hurts so deeply, you can't put it into words that would or could explain the true agony properly.    I didn't want to die but I had lost so much control of my life that I wanted it to stop immediately.  A person who gets to this point, is desperate for the pain to end. The problem is that 95% of the time if I had been successful, there would not have been a suicide letter.  I have only sat down one time to write it.  It turned into a letter to myself explaining why I was hurting so much.  Putting the pain into words.  It was one of the last times I went to that dark place. 
The truth is, I wanted it to look like an accident.  I didn't want to be the one responsible for my own death.  I wanted someone else to do it and leave behind unanswered questions, pain for everyone else and the agony of not knowing why I did it.  It is tough to admit that but it was true.  I didn't understand why I was so angry and why I hurt so deeply.  I couldn't be honest with myself about many things.  I would never lie to anyone else but I lied to myself constantly. 
I had feelings I could not explain or express.  The pain became so bad I began to shut down and could no longer speak out loud.  Strangely enough, I could text. I couldn't say out loud how mixed up everything was but I could write it.  To get to a place where you can no longer speak because you are so overwhelmed is a scary place to be.  I had things I wanted to say but no longer could open my mouth voluntarily.  My mouth would not connect with my brain, it was  like a wire had come loose.  I would be in this state for hours until the episode calmed down.  But feeling completely exhausted, I no longer had the desire to say anything even if i wanted too.  I actually became too exhausted to commit suicide.
In this moment, my brain had short circuited.  I have visions of sparks flying around my head and smoke coming out of my ears.  I can say that now but it was no laughing matter at the time it was happening.  I also had visions of being in a mental hospital strapped down with a straight jacket being force fed drugs to calm me down.  The vision in every movie I have ever seen of a mental hospital.  It was what kept me from walking through the front door.  The other thing that kept me from going to the hospital was the money.  The expense it would cause my husband.  I would eventually get better and regret that it cost us so much to get me there. 
I did feel that I needed help, real help.  I was no longer coping with the chaos in my brain.  My grandmother was diagnosed with manic depression and my uncle with schizophrenia.  At some time in both their lives they were given shock treatments.  I no longer had control in my life and the thought of going to a place that would take even more of my control away was a scary proposition for me.  Scarier than death. 
How I ended up in this place?  It was a long, hard road with many twists and turns full of secrets and about as complicated as anything could be for one person.  How did I scrape and claw my way out of this situation?  Sometimes I am not totally sure I am out of danger.  But it was done by taking one minute at a time, one day at a time.  I could not look too far into the future because just getting through one day was very hard to do. 
I now understand where my anger stems from and am working on processing the memories that have beat me down to a place no one should have to go.  It took getting to this place to finally see things for what they really are and to stop denying things happened to me that shouldn't have happened.  Lying to myself about being ok had to stop.  I still catch myself lying to myself about feelings I think I should be feeling and not about what I am really feeling.  A habit that is hard to break.  It was a survival mechanism put into place, by me, to tell myself that things were better than they seemed and that what was happening was not really happening.  The amount of pain hidden in the layers of disfunction is amazing. To step back and look in now, seeing with new eyes looking in is incredible. I can't even believe the amount a little child can take and still live to tell about it.   

[Riverlad]

Hello TiredOfitall,
you write beautifully. So well that it was therapeutic for me to read, thankyou . Sounds like the hurt little child is well on the path to being a healthy adult survivor. Awesome.

[Three Roses]

I'm glad you're here with us.

My mouth would not connect with my brain, it was  like a wire had come loose.

When we experience EF's, Broca's area (one of the speech centers in the brain) goes offline. There are many times I have a really rough time with speech, and it is sometimes the first sign I'm in an EF. I thought maybe you'd be interested in that.

[TiredOfItAll]

Three Roses I had never considered it was an EF.  I just considered it a mental meltdown or a breaking point.  I am looking into the idea that an EF might be the cause.  Doing some research on the subject. Any help you can offer would be helpful. 

[bring em all in]

tiredofitall- Reading your post (" I can't even believe the amount a little child can take and still live to tell about it." you wrote)   

I began to hear a song lyric in my mind (oftentimes I think and feel in song lyrics. What did I hear? Lou Reed's "Magic and Loss"

"And you can savor the magic
That let you survive your own war
You find that that fire is passion
And there's a door up ahead; not a wall"

You do have a magic inside you, that helped you survive your traumas.

Do you have song lyrics you can refer to for help to express your feelings and thoughts? Some of my examples:

"I'm always alone/and my heart is like ice/and it's crowded and cold/in my secret life." Leonard Cohen

"Blown by a hundred winds, knocked down a hundred times
Rescued and carried along. Beaten and half-dead and gone
And it's only the pain that's keeping you sane
And gives you a mind to travel on

Oh the motion won't leave you, won't let you remain, don't worry
It's a restless wind and a sleepless rain, don't worry
'Cause under the ocean at the bottom of the sea
You can't hear the storm, it's as peaceful as can be
It's just the motion, it's just the motion
It's just the motion, it's just the motion."    - Richard Thompson

[TiredOfItAll]

bring em all in-yes I too have found therapy in music.  My way may be a bit weird but here it goes...I find a song that expresses the emotion I am feeling but can't express at the moment, like Hello by Adele.  Instead of singing the true words to the song I sing the words I have put into their place. In the song Hello I am talking to my abuser and expressing how I feel at the moment based on the flow of the song. Usually I am talking about how I came out on the other side and made it even though my abuser tried everything to bring me down. 
I feel this was where you might be going with what you were saying about music.  I have not heard the songs you put in your comment but I like the words and will look these songs up.  Words are very powerful things and when used a certain way can evoke powerful emotions.  I am trying to channel what I feel from music into writing as a sort of therapy of my own.  Putting words to my thoughts and giving a voice to my feelings is very helpful to me.

[Candid]

Wow, how did I miss this one?

I didn't want to die but I had lost so much control of my life that I wanted it to stop immediately.  A person who gets to this point, is desperate for the pain to end.   

I'm in this place now, have been here for about 18 months non-stop and am just holding on. There is no joy in me whatsoever, I've stopped looking for company (except here  ) and I'm much more afraid of living too much longer than I am of dying.

In fact most of your OP resonated with me, especially calling any sort of crisis line and losing even more control, or being locked up and medicated against my will. I've been there before and won't go there again if I can help it.

My husband is my unofficial carer and my financial dependence on him is probably the least of it. I drag myself through my days, don't want to do anything, complain all the time and, I'm sorry to say, get very irritable with him. Fortunately he has the resources to keep himself cheerful despite living with Eeyore.

Presently hanging on for first appointment with a trauma counsellor I've been referred to. If that falls to the ground, I don't know.

Thanks for having the courage to post so eloquently on such a controversial topic.