You're Abandoned because you help

[Contessa]

Hi I'm not sure how to express this. Has anyone had this happen to them?

If a close family member is in trouble, you literally drop everything to help them. Even take leave from your job and fly interstate at a moments notice when you have a fear of flying. Nobody else does anything. Ever. But you make sure you do what you can. And you've done this several times throughout your life. And they have even come to you seeking that help.

And of all people, they abuse you, and stop talking to you while getting along with the others who did a big fat nothing to help them. You're given the silent treatment, you are told off and you are outcast.

I don't get it

[Blueberry]

I don't have an answer but if that's happening now then 

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear this Contessa, it's confusing and it hurts I know.      

I used to be the one always there for family who were less than appreciative and like yours even critical/abusive in return.  If you're the family scapegoat it makes more sense. They may feel entitled to care from you and to criticize you when that care is not what they expected (or really about any old thing because you are the SG).

I stopped with my family when I figured out they have NPD, would always feel entitled, and would not ever appreciate me efforts. They have found others to fill the role as N's will do which means I feel a lot less used and in turn resentful, angry and hurt.      

[Contessa]

Thank you Blueberry and Kizzie for those lovely warm hugs. It's just the same old *bleep* different day hey! It all falls under the scapegoat umbrella.

I think something to come out of this as you said Kizzie, is the response of confusion and feeling hurt. That's exactly what it is. Not despair or anger or feeling lost, but confusion because it makes no logical sense.

It's been a long journey to get here. My role hasn't changed with them, but my response to their odd behaviours is improving. It's a step closer to peace.

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

Perhaps their vulnerability scares them? Instead of admitting they were vulnerable and they needed your help, they push you away so they don't have to remember.

It's irrational. Put up some boundaries. Take care... LTLTR

[Wattlebird]

 
Good point ltltr

[Kizzie]

It's been a long journey to get here. My role hasn't changed with them, but my response to their odd behaviours is improving. It's a step closer to peace.

  I think that's all we can do when it comes to those who traumatized us in one way or another.  In an odd way I appreciate that it confuses us because we don't behave the way they would, don't understand it and probably never will.

What I do know about my family is that they too had a lot of trauma in their lives and it made them disconnect into NPD to protect themselves so I am able to feel some compassion even if I don't understand their behaviour.  Maybe in your case it's as LearnToLoveThe Ride suggests, it's feeling vulnerable that makes them treat you as they do?   

[Contessa]

LTLTR I agree with that very valid point, and Kizzie your suggestion of falling into NPD as protection. With many brothers and sisters, each has developed their own way of dealing.

I'll admit to feeling a lot of compassion in the regard that you mentioned Kizzie, but the sad thing is I have had to work hard at removing that emotion from my being just for my own protection from them. It's not a good thing.

Great perspectives everyone, a lot of food for thought here.

[Kizzie]

I have had to work hard at removing that emotion from my being just for my own protection from them.

I agree wholeheartedly  It can mute the anger and self-protection part we (or at least I)  need to feel in order to recover and invoke more guilt and shame, neither of which we need more of that's for sure.

Interestingly I wasn't looking to feel compassion towards my parents or B, it just seemed to come when I started being more compassionate towards my self - guess it's just the nature of compassion?   

What I still feel or rather don't feel though is a sense of forgiveness. That feels like I am turning my back on younger me somehow.  It let's me tap into the anger and self-protection I need to keep boundaries in place.

[jamesG.1]

totally happened to me. Sacrificed everything then got dumped with the bill. The mud never touches them, that's the motivation. It's a phobia, you take but you don't give.

[Blueberry]

I'll admit to feeling a lot of compassion in the regard that you mentioned Kizzie, but the sad thing is I have had to work hard at removing that emotion from my being just for my own protection from them. It's not a good thing.

I even have to be careful in friendships, not to be used but to put myself first. Feeling compassion but not acting on it much e.g. not even listening to long monologues about how terrible things are. And in FOO: absolutely. Feeling compassion or worse showing it puts me back in my childhood shoes: treated inferior, unheard, fighting all the way or just giving up in long-term depression.

[Contessa]

Yes BB and JamesG!

I even learned to stop apologising. I would apologise not because I did wrong, but in an effort to 'reset' and move forward when odd disagreements would happen, which to be honest were not my fault.

I learned the hard way that being the first to extend the olive branch did not mean the same to them. It was an admission of fault and blame for my causing the problem, and then I was put down even further. So... I stopped apologising... then it progressed to uglier depths from there. Sigh.

[Contessa]

Kizzie, yes! I definitely learnt how to show compassion for myself. There was a time where I put myself at number 1, and fiercely fought for myself. I guess I was attempting to protect the little young me, but it got destructive at a point too.

Coming back now, but to a place with more boundaries.

[Kizzie]

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