Realization of the Day *TW-EA,PA*

[Phoebes]

It finally sunk in last night why I was neither here nor there about having kids, until it was too late. It's like I dissociated from the whole topic.

I understand now, finally, the extreme nature of never having been allowed feelings. A lot of my triggers relate to this, and a lot of my Nm's scorn and abuse came from me having feelings. I simply was not, and am not in her eyes, allowed feelings. And if I do assert them anyway, they are completely invalid. (Well, thus the NC for over 3 years). Nevertheless though my adult years pre-NC, I was put down by her for not being able to have a "successful" relationship or have children. That was brought up every chance she got. She loved to say I "don't know how to love."

So, last night, watching a sitcom of all things, a scene in there caused me to remember my feelings early on about having children. I didn't develop a strong feeling or drive about this like other young women I knew, because I didn't develop a strong feeling or drive about ANYthing, having been denied feelings for so long. I seriously did not realize I was allowed feelings. For real. Until recently. How nuts is that?

In my early twenties and beyond, it was a big deal to me to assert my wishes to travel, to wear what I wanted, to do things I liked. I really thought I had broken past my "strict" upbringing and was being myself. But I realize, I was a tiny fragment of myself, still trauma bonded and reacting to life. I moved a lot and while in one career, wished I had followed my true dreams (still do that).

I figured early on that when I found the right person, I would have kids. Or, adopt. I proceeded to have relationships with abusive N's. Thank goodness I never married or had kids with any(and believe me I probably would have had they not discarded me), but there went all my chances. It didn't occur to me what I was doing, how I was attracting them (although I knew my "picker was broke"). It didn't occur to me to see these as inappropriate choices for relationships, and especially as fathers.

When my Dr. told me I was past the point of being able to have kids, I BURST into tears after I left. I had no idea how I truly felt. I'm ok now and have accepted it. But where I blamed myself for so long for something "being wrong with me", I now realize it was just one more way that the extreme emotional abuse of not ever being allowed a feeling came out. It really triggered some especially sadistic episodes. The triggers are almost always attached to really mean verbal and emotional abuse sometimes coupled with physical abuse.

I think the never-being-allowed-feelings has actually been the most damaging aspect of my relationship with Nm.

[sanmagic7]

i hear ya, phoebes.  i'm only beginning to get in touch with emotions/feelings lately, and it's been a revelation on so many levels.   but, may i emphasize that there's nothing 'nuts' about this.  when we're not allowed our feelings, a large part of our personhood is taken away.  it's kind of like we're shells of people walking this earth.

beginning to get them back has touched me in many ways, some painful, some glorious.  still, i'm glad to start getting the whole of 'me' back.

i'm very sorry for your loss of the potentiality of motherhood, tho, sweetie.  that's quite a blow. 

i also relate to choosing the wrong partners for relationships.  the results of trauma follow us everywhere, stick their noses into all aspects of our lives.  finally, at my age, i'm beginning to feel, beginning to see things more clearly (both inside and outside myself) and beginning to know more of a personal wholeness that was never there before.  it's good, and i'm liking who i am, accepting me, warts and all, in a way that wasn't possible in the past.

i think that's the crux of all this - too many things weren't possible for us before.  i believe that with your realizations now you'll be able to plan more realistically, while seeing yourself and your place in the world more clearly.  every step, no matter how small, counts.  sending love and warm hugs, phoebes.  be gentle with yourself, ok?

[Phoebes]

Thank you, San, and for sharing your experience too. I feel like I've already been at this healing stuff a long time, and I've only moved a little forward. At least it is progressing forward. 

[Blueberry]

  to you Phoebes. When I realised I wouldn't be able to heal enough to have children before I got beyond child-bearing age, I did feel really sad so I can relate.

It's really sad, tragic almost that up until recently you didn't believe you were allowed feelings. I wouldn't call it nuts though myself, but just one of the usual very sad, very damaging reactions to childhood trauma.

Unfortunately it seems kind of 'normal' for us to choose the wrong partners before a certain amount of healing has taken place. Not that all of those with cptsd choose wrong... Had I got into any relationships it would have been with passive, non-feeling, enabling people like enF but I'm so scared of men, intimate relationships, sexual anything, that it was impossible for me to have a relationship with anybody. It still is. So I hear you there too, even if that sounds weird.

[Contessa]

Phoebes I'm in your position as well. Unfair.