worrysome dreams and self-objectification after trauma *TW incest*

[pamfr]

Hi

i am new to this forum and hoping to discuss certain issues that i can't talk about with anyone around me, it is way too personal and makes me feel terribly ashamed and guilty of

*** TW CSA ***

I may have c-ptsd because of being raped several times in my childhood, probably quite early (around age 6, or 8, or maybe older ? it stopped when i was 16) by a slightly older cousin. it happened several times, mostly during family reunions, sometimes his little brother was involved (not that he seemed to want it either).

i eventually got a taste (if we can say that) for being objectified, very early (way before i even knew what sex was about), and even ended up feeling like i wanted it to happen when i knew he would be there. I was unable to properly have romantic feelings for people around me because when thinking about intimacy i knew i could only fantasize about violence and rape, and roleplaying could never top that, just feeling love at all or caring for others or letting others care for me was so complicated.

now that i am in a relationship, my girlfriend often noticed that when having sex she could feel like i was not quite there, like i am very far and waiting for it to end, and it made her feel very uncomfortable. at the beginning of our relationship i couldn't even touch her, i just wouldn't move and get through it.
i still kind of have that thing where i just want to be used, and i can't even focus on the other person, on feeling desire for her, i just want to see myself being abused, or force myself through it, and eventually get turned on by the idea. of course it's never worth it
things got better this last year, since we try to communicate more on that, but there is almost always a point when i may feel off, distant, and once i come i can have anxiety attacks feeling extremely vulnerable and it keeps me from doing anything else for hours. it is also terribly exhausting.

I wanted to ask if anyone here ever had that, or are currently having those problems, how they managed to get better with that weird self-objectification thing (if we can call it that ?), or had any kind of website book article etc or anything to share relating to these symptoms

***TW*** incest

the other thing i wanted to talk about was dreams i recently had (this year or the past year)

I have been doing a lot of progress just understanding about how my trauma has been shaping my life for so long. While i used to get horny hearing terrible news about rape on the radio or on tv without being able to control it, i am now able to feel just how horryfying it is, in my situation, just to hear about that (a Lot of emotional flashbacks). Which is i heard a part of healing, realizing what has been done to me and letting it affect me the way i did not let it before

however, other problems have been coming along, as in feeling terrible around childrens because i am afraid i could eventually hurt them, or feeling like it is only a matter of years before i become just like my agressor (or possibly worse) and stay like that for the rest of my life.  But this eventually got better, i actually love being around kids and hope to have a family in the future (even though i am quite sure that if i really do i will have to do a lot of work on myself)

The dreams i had in the past few month i could not have anticipated, there is only about three of those but they are on my mind all the time and it makes me feel absolutely miserable : i had a dream in which i had sex with a younger cousin (another one who was never involved in that mess) and it just felt so normal while dreaming of it that it made me feel very bad, i never had serious thought about it and i am afraid it is things i have repressed and that are coming up in dreams.
The other ones are about my little sister, one in which there was touching coming from her that i ended up liking in the dream. It was already too much but then i had another one when she was naked, looked sexual to me, it probably turned me on in that dream. I was screaming at her to dress up and not to behave this way (?) because it was sexual and she was telling me that it was my problem, that she could do what she wanted. i was the one who was dirty and guilty of thinking that way

It is absolutely terryfying to wake up and realize i have had those dreams. I live in another city than my family and i thought i could never come back home because i would be constantly thinking about those things around her and if i ever acted on it for whatever reason i could never live after that. I came back home for the last two weeks and did none of that, i happened to remember about it and i am afraid i am becoming more distant, even violent or unecessarily angry when she annoys me by being too close, but nothing too bad happened. but now that i am going back to school, i feel yet again terribly far from my family and for a good reason, like i should never even talk to them again
i keep thinking about it and i feel incredibly guilty, i don't want to have those kind of dreams ever again and i know i'll just spend the rest of my life thinking about how deep down i feel like a monster and can become dangerous at any given time if i feel bad enough.
it is especially problematic since there is about three people i deeply care about in this world and my sister is one of them, so how could i dream about that, what does that say about being close to the people that are dear to me

i wanted to know if anyone went through these kind of stuff, what can i do about it personally, what should i focus on

I will soon be looking for a psychiatrist in my area but i wanted to talk about it on a forum, and i think getting involved in a community and learning about similar experiences and how they wont affect me forever can only be good for my health, and eventually for others


Sorry for this was very long, also did my best to speak english since i am not fluent
thanks for reading and for anyone trying to help

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum pamfr! i'm sorry I don't feel in a position to answer any of your queries tonight. Maybe tomorrow or maybe somebody else can tonight.

Your English is fine, don't worry about that!

[Dee]

Your post is very long so I am going to have to break this down.  I read the first part about sex.  I have all these issues, but I haven't resolved them.  I have definitely been in the position of "can't wait for it to end."  Unfortunately, I've spent most of my life approaching it as a chore.  I have had fantasies that were not loving and very unpleasant.  Now, I'm taking a break.  I feel, for me, I need to work through trauma first. 

More than anything, I wanted you to know you are not alone in this.  Tomorrow I plan to read the next part and go from there.

Welcome to our site.

Dee

[Dee]

First, I am glad that you are overcoming your fear of turning into your abuser.  From what I understand that is common.  I am always afraid for little girls.  Not because of me, but I fear any male contact with them.  I use to look at them and wonder if they are being hurt.  It was far worse when a saw a little girl with an adult male.  I was certain they were hurting the girl.  Now, I look at them and see the innocence that I never had.  I still get a little upset if they are alone with an adult male, but I can talk myself through the distortion.  Mostly by labeling it as a distortion.

I really don't dream much anymore due to my medications.  However, when I did I often took things and twisted the in my dream.  I often would dream about someone who was safe, then they turned into my abuser even though their face was the same.  I know that person never hurt me, but I didn't wake up feeling that way.  I suspect you are doing something similar.  I have also had dreams where I have done horrible things.  Yet, I can't punish myself for a dream.

If you are really unsure I think you can take clues from your cousin and sister.  You know how you acted around your abuser, I'm sure different from other people.  Is there any indication in their behavior that there is something weird?  My guess is no.  Take cues from them and how they approach you.  There may be something different with your cousin if he was involved, but I suspect not fear of you.  My guess is there is compassion from him, not fear.

I am taking a small trip this week so I won't be on every day.  However, I am here if you need to discuss more.