Triggered by unannounced visitors

[Rainydaze]

I tried sharing with my husband last night the fact that I really dislike people 'just popping round' to our home, to which he didn't say anything and just gave me a look of disapproval as though I'm completely unreasonable. I then felt so unbelievably angry and alone because it was yet another way in which I seem to be different to other people who can do things spontaneously and not worry about these things. It's hit me that the reason I dislike it the most is because of CPTSD and not knowing what to expect. My NF doesn't live far and the possibility of him coming to my home while I'm no contact with him really triggers me, so whenever 'safe' people knock at the door my fight or flight kicks in and I feel truly scared. Maybe if I had more positive experiences of unannounced visits then I wouldn't feel like this. I suspect it would still annoy me because I love my privacy but I at least wouldn't feel panicky. Does anyone relate?

[Hope67]

Hi Blues_cruise,
I definitely relate to what you're saying in this thread - I also feel triggered by unexpected visitors, and even by the phone ringing, as I don't know if it will be a FOO member - and my reactions can vary between feeling 'petrified' to 'anxious' - depending on how I'm feeling on the day.

Sorry that your husband gave you a look of disapproval - that doesn't seem a very supportive thing.  I don't think you're being unreasonable to anticipate a pre-arranged visit rather than an unexpected one. 

I don't know how much other people are able to do things spontaneously, maybe it bothers more people than we think.  I don't know.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I do relate to what you're saying.  I feel similarly to you on that one.

Hope 

[Cookido]

I feel the same, I have never appreciated any type of surprise. The sentence "I have a surprise for you" will most likely just give me anxiety. Maybe because I don't get to build up a defense for it and think out how to react or act before hand.

[plantsandworms]

Thank you for this post! I 100% relate. I have only recently started connecting this aversion I have to my CPTSD. I also get very anxious at unannounced visitors, or even just hearing the mail man come in the front gate to put my mail in the box. I also have roommates and when I hear them coming home at times other than their usual ones I feel myself freezing up. I had cops, social workers, abusers, etc. in and out of my home/school/etc as a child and I'm definitely starting to think it stems from that. It's hard because I know it can be detrimental to my friendships, when folks stop by to see me and I am so uncomfortable and awkward until they leave. I've even had completely friendly but unexpected encounters that make me instantly burst into tears. I'm trying to be more vocal with my loved ones about my needs in this area even when it feels silly. I'm also trying to teach my brain how to recognize my home as a "safe space" more often. My therapist says that these anxious reactions served a purpose in my childhood to help me  be alert in those stressful situations. But now I need to train my brain that those situations are in the past now and I can relax a little bit more in the safe space I've created for myself. Sending love and solidarity your way!

[Rainydaze]

Thank you for the replies, glad I'm not alone in this!  Sorry I'm only now getting back to this thread. 

Hi Blues_cruise,
I definitely relate to what you're saying in this thread - I also feel triggered by unexpected visitors, and even by the phone ringing, as I don't know if it will be a FOO member - and my reactions can vary between feeling 'petrified' to 'anxious' - depending on how I'm feeling on the day.

Unless I'm waiting for an exciting parcel to turn up then the doorbell is just never a good omen. It will either be my NF trying to force contact by turning up out of the blue or my overbearing in-laws who expect us to be able to sit and talk about nothing for two hours at the drop of a hat and leave me completely drained. If they give a few hours notice of a visit then I can at least finish what I'm doing and make some mental preparation.

My therapist says that these anxious reactions served a purpose in my childhood to help me  be alert in those stressful situations. But now I need to train my brain that those situations are in the past now and I can relax a little bit more in the safe space I've created for myself.

That makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I'll hear a car door slam outside (which is normal as I'm surrounded by neighbours) and I start to feel panicky in case it's someone headed to the house. My highly strung dog doesn't help either as she often barks at any little noise outside which then sets me on edge. Husband and I are considering moving for other reasons but I am thinking that my privacy in a new house will be a factor to consider. I'm attracted to places down quiet country lanes, or even on the side of fairly busy roads where there would be no opportunity for NF to park up and sit outside my house like a stalker.

[Phoebes]

It's strange I was just having this conversation with a cousin last night. And then it's the first thing I saw when I logged in to this. I had never related it to CPTSD before, but hearing what you all say, it makes a lot of sense. She acted like it was normal that people drop by, and what friends do. Is it? I would not like that at all.

I was raised without having any privacy. Saturday morning commonly consisted of being jolted awake by my door flying open and my Nm angrily saying I needed to "get up and get some things done around here!" I recently mentioned in another post that I didn't have a set of chores, but when things came up for me to do, I was not allowed because I had chores. All while Nm DIDN'T have chores. All of this is just tied together of not feeling I had a life of my own. Not allowed any choices or boundaries. This definitely could be a source of my extreme dislike of people dropping by.

[Rainydaze]

Phoebes, yes, the rude awakenings and being made to feel lazy and 'bad' for still being in bed; my N father did this to me! He even woke me up in the middle of the night once in a rage and shouted at me for having my TV and VCR on standby, which he wouldn't have even known had he not have come in to my bedroom at about 4am for no reason.  Sometimes I recall things like this and realise how mentally unhinged he was/is.

I never had any privacy either and really value it now. I think you're probably right, because our privacy was never respected and there were no boundaries growing up it feels terribly invasive when people turn up now, even if it's from a place of goodness. I think also because of the CPTSD I'm usually very tired and don't always feel up to seeing people, whereas if I were generally happier and carefree then it wouldn't feel so difficult.

[Morelia]

I relate to this one so much! In my case I don't know if it's a CPTSD thing or not. All I know is I hate unannounced visitors. If they can't see that I'm home from the door I have been known to hide and keep quiet until they go away. In my country you can get a sign printed by a consumer organisation that tells salespeople not to knock, and if they disobey the law can slap them with big fines - I have one of those too. The other thing I do to protect myself is provide most people with a PO Box. Very few people know my physical address. The people that do have it respect my wish not to come unannounced.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel that way. It might be a bit on the odd end for people who thrive on the chaos and spontaneity of random visitors, but to me it's a reasonable boundary.

[Phoebes]

I agree Morelia. I don't think it's dysfunctional to not want people dropping in at random. Not at all.

[Rainydaze]

I relate to this one so much! In my case I don't know if it's a CPTSD thing or not. All I know is I hate unannounced visitors. If they can't see that I'm home from the door I have been known to hide and keep quiet until they go away.

I did this once when I really didn't have enough emotional energy to entertain my in-laws unannounced, plus I was really busy and time is valuable. Turns out they had some homegrown veg to drop round and when they didn't get an answer they unlocked the back door to the kitchen, put it on the table and then left again. Was fuming! It was only a 30 second dropoff and I was grateful for the gift but they let themselves in to my home. My safe space. I know many people would think I need to lighten up but I'm such a private person and I need my space.

In my country you can get a sign printed by a consumer organisation that tells salespeople not to knock, and if they disobey the law can slap them with big fines - I have one of those too. The other thing I do to protect myself is provide most people with a PO Box. Very few people know my physical address. The people that do have it respect my wish not to come unannounced.

I've been thinking about a PO Box, particularly if I do move house in the near future. I'm hoping to make a move to somewhere a bit more rural and inaccessible which hopefully would make cold callers less of a problem. 

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[Resca]

I did this once when I really didn't have enough emotional energy to entertain my in-laws unannounced, plus I was really busy and time is valuable. Turns out they had some homegrown veg to drop round and when they didn't get an answer they unlocked the back door to the kitchen, put it on the table and then left again. Was fuming! It was only a 30 second dropoff and I was grateful for the gift but they let themselves in to my home. My safe space. I know many people would think I need to lighten up but I'm such a private person and I need my space.

That sounds absolutely infuriating, Blues! I know that they're technically "family" and maybe they have different ideas about what that means, but there's no excuse for letting yourself into another person's home. Like you said, it's supposed to be a safe space. I can definitely see how that's related to CPTSD because safety and control is something many of us lacked as children, so it makes sense that we would be protective about our security as adults. I know I am. And it's not even just about security; it's about respect. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I hope your husband is eventually able to accept and support where your boundaries lie. You deserve that.

[Estella]

Planfsandworms, I think your therapist is right to encourage you to challenge this. It's probably a natural thing for those of us with ptsd to need to control our environment - I've also been quite distressed in the past by unannounced calls.

I used to feel that my mother would encroach on my personal space and so feel like quite a territorial person. I'd love to love in a more rural area, much prefer wide open spaces than built up/enclosed areas. Still - have to experience living in the real world and work on my tolerance levels. It's finding the right balance, I guess?