Self-Control??

[M.R.]

Whenever anything bothers me or I feel any emotion my first reaction is to control it. No one can see that I'm upset. If I am really upset and am tearing up I always try to swallow the lump in my throat and I also blink to get rid of the tears for an example. And this causes me a lot of trouble. I have gotten called emotionless and cold.

I think the cause of this behavior is the reactions I always got growing up. When I was getting abused (in any of the many forms) I would show how much it hurt and it always seemed to thrill them and I would get mocked for it. So, eventually I quit showing and all that would do is get them angry. They would continue what they were doing but they would do it with more force to try to get a reaction out of me. But when they got angry they got worn out faster and would quit sooner. And then towards the end of my many years of this I got courageous and pushed their buttons to see how far they were willing to go. I was so numb by this point that I didn't feel any pain. And feeling like I had the upper hand by pushing them made me feel strong. I would have larger and deeper scars but it was thrilling (if that is even the right word) for me because it showed me that I could survive what they were throwing me.

As I reread that it sounds quite sick of me to do that but I am having a hard day with emotions and figured writing it down might help.

Melodie

[Elphanigh]

MelodieRose, I am so sorry you went through all of that. I understand where you are coming from, I too did those things. Didn't show emotion and became numb because of what it meant for my abuse, and abusers. I promise that is not sick of you, it is natural. I did it too

It is hard to been seen as cold when really it is just a instinct to remain calm and composed at all times. I have found that over time I am better at expressing certain things, but certainly not tears in front of most people. I wish I had wise words to help..

[PeTe]

MelodieRose, it sounds like you were in a terrible situation when growing up. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you did it to get a measure of control in the situation, and I think it shows a positive side, that you wouldn't let them win. You fought them the only way you could. Anyhow, I can imagine you're having a bad day when you're dealing with this. Even though it probably doesn't feel like it, you're safe now 

I also started hiding my feelings from early on. First only some feelings in FOO, but when I got bullied at school, I hid everything, because it just triggered abuse to show any feeling (happy, sad, disappointed, tired, distant etc). Though hiding feelings didn't make them come at me harder, I've done other things. For many years, when I went out to town, I would often try to make people angry, but only so angry it didn't end in a physical fight. So I guess I've sought out some of the thrill, and at the same time recreating a dangerous world for myself. Kind of made me feel alive - guess the adrenaline rush - and at the same time being able to deal with dangerous situations.

[M.R.]

Elphanigh, I don't remember a time where I felt I could freely express my feelings or thoughts. I was born into my situation and escaped at 12. Even now, just recently having turned 21, there is an ingrained understanding that my feelings and thoughts don't count. But I have finally explained to my father why I do what I do and I think he'll be more observant instead of believing the emotionless act I put on.

Pete, I resonate with your post, especially the second part. While I haven't gotten into drugs or alcohol like some, I do other things to deal with my built up feelings. I fight with my father a lot, and at points it has gotten physical, I have self harmed, but what I do, and really have always done, is I either eat a lot of I don't eat. Food, (now that I have it and not just sugar water) has become a crutch. I can make myself feel better with food, even for a little while. And for someone that tries to deal with everything herself a few minutes is appreciated. But while food is a crutch, my anger I think would be my 'thrill' it gives me the courage I don't normally have. I tend to say things I'm thinking/feeling when I'm angry. I get the same feeling when I say what I want to now that I did when I pushed the people from my childhood.

Melodie

[sanmagic7]

melodierose, that was survivorship to the highest degree.  nothing sick about it to my mind.  same for anyone else who's done something like that.  i agree, you were fighting back in the way you knew how with the only power you had - power over your own emotions.

it's so amazing to me how we've come thru what we've come thru.  those were the coping mechanisms needed at the time.  i do believe that as you continue in recovery, a balance will be restored for you and your emotional being.  i know that i have now only recently felt several emotions i've never felt in the past.  it'll happen.  big hug.

[PeTe]

I also regulate feelings by eating and other means. I'm trying to deal with my feelings in other ways, and that feels good, even though some feelings are tough to deal with. I hope you find ways to be with your feelings and express them to others.