Sibling Perspectives

[Hope66]

I have only recently managed to re-connect with my elder sister, whom I last saw when I was just 8 years of age.  She lives in a different country to me, and neither of us have broached whether to actually meet up. 

We are both estranged from our FOO (parents). 

I am struggling a bit with our different perspectives.  I know it's going to be challenging to try to bridge the gap of years – and the lack of a continuing sibling relationship with her – and I really value the fact we are in touch and that we communicate regularly by E-mail, but it's still quite challenging to get my head round.  For years, I wasn't even sure if she actually 'existed' if that makes sense – there was part of me that thought it might not be real.

But whilst I remained very much entrenched and enmeshed with my FOO (parents), for many decades of my life, and they actively  kept me in the dark about the various family secrets surrounding my sister's expulsion from our family, and whilst I have only in recent years managed to break free, and find her – I discover that she has understandably been coping in her own way, but that way involves some quite unusual beliefs.

Whilst I seek out 'answers' from various self-help books, and my memories of the therapy I had for a while, and try to look for 'reasons' and 'try to make sense' of what happened, my sister has an entirely different belief set for things.  She believes that our parents are controlled by the 'dark side' and she believes that they will be punished for what they did in another lifetime.  She truly believes this, and so when I ask her questions about our parents, although she replies and tells me what she knows (she's 8 years older than me), she has very different perspectives to my own.

I can completely understand why she might feel they are 'controlled by the dark side' – because she told me that they did some horrific things to her – but at the same time, I think that thinking of them being in the control of some ulterior 'power/being' takes away any sense of their own 'responsibility' – surely they made 'choices' about their behaviour.

But maybe she needs to hold onto her view of this 'dark side' as the only way to comprehend how someone could treat a human being in a bad way.

I did try to question her more and sensitively challenge some of her beliefs, but she got quite angry with me – and we didn't communicate for a while, and since we 'made-up' and re-connected, I've tried to be very careful not to challenge her as I really don't want to upset her.   

It's so difficult to communicate with her without really 'knowing' her. 

Anyway, I wanted to share this in a post, because I would value knowing what others thing – whether you've got any similar experiences, or just any comments/thoughts. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hello Hope,
Here I am again  reading other people's posts. I hadn't realised you'd managed to actually re-connect with your sister. Can I congratulate, even if there are difficulties?

What immediately came to mind when I read of your sister's unusual beliefs is: I had a therapist who believed in previous lives etc too and she used to manage to draw clients like me into her group sessions in 'spiritual healing', where we all paid good money. We 'learnt' all this stuff and once you're entrenched in it, it's hard to talk to other 'normal' people about it because you realise they won't understand it. When I questioned too much in this spiritual healing, I was thrown out. But before I started to question things, this therapist was my hero/guru. Thoughts from 'normal' people wouldn't have got me out of there. They weren't 'enlightened'. It sounds very arrogant to me now, but I really was drawn into this stuff. It took me a long time to heal from all of that, using more standard forms of therapy and counselling. Some therapists and counsellors said it was as if I'd come out of some strange sect like Scientology (there are other examples, but don't want to offend anybody) where you're brainwashed, basically, and not meant to leave. So that might explain a bit why your sister would get angry and also why she might believe some of what she does.
Maybe there's some posts under Spiritual /Religious Abuse that would help you understand more, if you want to.

Otherwise it seems as if you might need to continue treading carefully and going slowly. I take off my hat to you, you're handling all of this without even any therapy! 

[Hope66]

Thanks so much Blueberry, your reply is really helpful to me.  I'd like to write more, but I am a bit rushed today - but just wanted to say I appreciate your reply very much, and agree with a lot of what you've said.  Thank you.   

I will certainly be treading carefully - as I don't want to upset my sister, and I want to acknowledge and respect her belief systems, as much as I am able to understand them, whilst at the same time have my own feelings and thoughts about things - and hopefully my sister will also try to tolerate any differences between us, as long as I don't 'question her' too much on her own beliefs.  I realise she holds them close as precious things to her.

I am glad I wrote about this, as it's been so helpful to have your reply, Blueberry - thank you.   

Hope 

[Three Roses]

I think it's true that even siblings who were raised together have a different experience of family life, maybe influenced a bit by birth order. My husband is the oldest of three between his mother and father, although he is the 4th child of his mother (she was married before). He had a rough childhood too but his younger sister is convinced he got the best of everything, which isn't true. (And even the role of GC comes with its own misery IMO.)

There isn't just one version of the truth. I can have mine, you can have yours, and there will be parts that are the same but they will never be identical. Each of us has the right to hold beliefs that others may not agree with, and if that makes life easier for your sister I say "more power to her".

[Hope66]

Hi ThreeRoses,

Thank you so much for your comments on this, which are really helpful.  You're so right that there isn't just one version of the truth, and we all have our own perspectives, and it's important to recognise that.

I do recognise that myself and my sister have different experiences, different perspectives.  We are entitled to those.

I will do my best to try to understand and appreciate my sister's perspective and values and beliefs, whilst respecting my own.  It should be possible to do that, even if I find some of them difficult to comprehend. 

Currently I feel like I'm learning new things, as a result  of hearing my sister's perspective - and I realise that I just need to pace it - and reflect on things as and when they come up.

Thank you, Three Roses - your comments are very helpful. 

Hope 

[BlancaLap]

So happy to hear you have reconnected with your sibling. I understand it is hard to connect if you haven't seen her since you were 8. It didn't happen to me but it's true that I have a half-brother and because he lives with his mother I have been years without seeing or talking to him, so I know it may seem difficult to connect.
And that thong that your sister was expulsed from the family? Sorry but that sound horrible. What kind of family does that to a daughter? I'm sorry your sister had to endure that... and for you too I'm sorry

[Hope66]

Thanks you BlancaLap for your reply - I appreciate it. 
Hope