Really wish I had never told this person

[barbidoll]

I told my ex while we were together about being sexually abused as a child. Now I am seriously regretting it. I have emails where he shames me with it, hints that it never happened and now my son has told me when his Dad disclosed it to him that he said it made me crazy. Really? How insensitive do you have to be to do these things?  What kind of person is this to take something done to me as a child and use it in his campaign against me? It is bad enough he has used it to shame me but to use it to effect our son's thinking about me? Crazily enough he has disclosed to me he was molested in his teens and I would never dream of disclosing this to our son.  Thankfully it seems my son knows that his Dad was wrong to say it. He said it made him angry but how could someone do that?  How could anyone take a child being victimized and twist it to hurt someone?  I don't get it.

[Dee]

My ex threatened me that if I were to leave him he would take my kids because of it.  "With your past, no judge would ever give you custody of the kids."  It was a chance I didn't want to take, so I stayed.  So yes, I regretted it.  I doubt I would have ever told him in the first place if my dad wasn't in prison at the time.

I think the only way to work with it, is to take the power from them.  Sharing it wasn't wrong, we should be able to share these things with our intimate partners.  Unfortunately, because of past abuse we both exercised bad judgement in choosing a person to be with. 

Now that your son knows, the secret is out, and the power is gone in that way.  I really want to say don't be ashamed about it and treat it as a strength you survived, take the power away.  I really want to tell you that, but I have been unable to get there myself.  I do understand things and people don't have power unless we give it to them.

[barbidoll]

When my son first told me his Dad had told him I was shocked.  It's not that I want to keep it fromy kids but it is my story to tell not anyone else's. Recently I have worried about how he approached it since remembering how he used it against me. I kept thinking that if that is how he talks to me about it, then how did I talk about with our son? My son barely told me this morning and I am shocked despite having the suspicion he did something like this.  I asked my son how it made him feel and he said it made him angry.  Been trying to reinforce that he has a right to feelings like that and he doesn't have to listen to that kind of thing either. He says a lot of the time that he doesn't want to hurt Dad's feelings.  It is sad because my son seems more concerned about his Dad's feelings than his own. 
    It sucks that anyone could do this. I am so glad that there were other things I never shared with him. It makes me so angry that anyone could take something that was done to a child and use it it like this. I know I shouldn't feel ashamed or feel like I have to hide it but he invokes those feelings in me because, "what if?"   You know and it also angers me because he seems to harbor hopes of me returning which thinkint about makes me want to vomit. Be with someone who would take a time that I was vulnerable and betrayed by one of people who was supposed to protect me? No not going to happen.

[ah]

barbidoll,

i'm so sorry he did that. yikes! whereas you did the natural, right thing. you shared it with him thinking you were building an intimacy with someone close to you. you did what people do when they're close to one another. the one who broke the rules was your ex.

sounds a lot like my abusers. the same use of people's greatest pains. i'm ashamed of having shared things with them, not realizing (just like you) what they were. i'm furious at myself for it and i'm often eaten alive by the "what if's", but i didn't know i was talking to a monster at the time! i didn't... i know what you mean. you're not alone.

[barbidoll]

barbidoll,

i'm so sorry he did that. yikes! whereas you did the natural, right thing. you shared it with him thinking you were building an intimacy with someone close to you. you did what people do when they're close to one another. the one who broke the rules was your ex.

sounds a lot like my abusers. the same use of people's greatest pains. i'm ashamed of having shared things with them, not realizing (just like you) what they were. i'm furious at myself for it and i'm often eaten alive by the "what if's", but i didn't know i was talking to a monster at the time! i didn't... i know what you mean. you're not alone.

Your monster comment makes think of something my sister has said after leaving a bad relationship. She says, "You don't see the mark of the devil until it is too late."  I didn't realize either.  It makes me feel so shamed that I didn't see it. Not only did I not see it then but other times in other relationships.  It sucks finding out too late that you are not dealing with someone with compassion and basic decency.

[I like vanilla]

 barbidoll, it sounds like your ex is running out of narcissistic supply and is seeking more by trying to get you and your son all riled up. You have managed to successfully separate yourself from him - and congratulations on the courage and energy and effort you had to accomplish that!. Now, it seems like he is trying to hoover you back up, in part disgustingly using your son's emotions as a weapon against you. UGH!

Sending thoughts of strength to you. You were strong enough to get out. You are strong enough to stay out. The energy is to give a boost in this trying time.

[barbidoll]

Vanilla,
  I wish I could say I completely severed from this person but I haven't not really.  I have let him make me jump and even allowed contact when I should never have.  I guess I believed that he was changing even when I had evidence to say he was not in my emails.  It wasn't until he called our son drunk last year and then the following day he threatend to kill me  that I started putting up boundaries again Even now I know I allow too much.   Trying though to figure out what boundaries I can put up without seeming like an uncooperative co parent.
  When I look at my emails from him I am terrified to think what he could have told our son over the years.  Yesterday I realized that I don't think he has ever shown remorse or taken responsibility for any of the stuff he has done. Things that I thought were attempts were just more shade thrown at me I think. Like telling me he still has a lot of anger I thought was him admitting to his anger back before I left now I am thinking he was referring to anger at me leaving which makes more sense with what he has told our son.  At least I think my son is starting to realize but I am terrified that his father could turn on him if he tries to defend me.