New, and finally relieved to know I'm not alone in this

[KathleenRose]

Hi all,
  My name is Caet, or you can call me Kathleen, Kate.. doesn't matter really.  Like the title says, I'm new here - I found this place while searching online for support since my referral to provincial mental health that took 3 months just got postponed for another 3 months.. so it's going to be January before I get a chance to see any kind of mental health practitioner.  I'm really not sure how I'm going to make it through the next few months without a support network, so on the advice of the receptionist I started google searching.

I haven't officially been diagnosed with CPTSD, however I don't really need a professional to tell me that's what's going on. I've read the symptoms, done the research - I'm being treated for depression/anxiety, but I think that CPTSD is actually the root of everything that's going on with me.

TL;DR:   I was bullied and harassed as a school child by my peers, to the point that when I got to high school I just stopped caring about everything including life. As long as I can remember, I've always wondering what it is that I did wrong, how come no one wanted to be friends with me, and what I could do to make even just one person like me.  After high school, I came into a few employment situations that were similar - including one where I was terminated very publicly, with a very (stupid) reason - I "wasn't enthusiastic enough" despite the fact that it was my dream job. In reality, it wasn't even about me - it was that the CEO's granddaughter was supposed to have my job, and one of the 3 of us in that role had to go - so they chose me, the one person who actually gave a damn and wanted to go further in the industry.   After I lost that job, I took on another job that I absolutely loved, took over a maternity leave running a fitness and dance studio for the owner.  Well.. she came back, and it was soooo triggering and passive aggressive that I literally walked out.

Now I'm in my early 30's, I've watched my very few friends grow up get married and start families. They have careers that make decent money.  Meanwhile, I'm sitting here living with my mother (well she lives with me), barely if even able to keep a roof over our heads, and unable to work a job for another employer.  I'm technically self-employed, but because of my extreme self-doubts and self-esteem issues, I don't have many clients because I constantly feel like I'm not good enough or deserving of people's money. I'm terrified they will come back and prove me wrong.  I'm in a ton of debt, and it just gets worse and worse because I can't deal with talking to the companies - I always end up feeling like I've failed and am not good enough/irresponsible, like no matter what I'm never going to get ahead because I don't deserve to.  One phone call often takes me days to recover from.

I want my own kids. I want to be married, have a life partner. I want a "normal" life - but what I live is far from normal. I feel like I don't like myself enough, so why would anyone else like me? But at the same time, I'm totally alone... and I hate it.  Last year my dad became critically ill very unexpectedly, I sat alone in the ICU room while the doctors told me he would never wake up.  The nurses asked if they could call my husband.... except I didn't have one. I couldn't even call my mom because they were separated. I had no friends close by. I was just completely alone. and I never, ever ever ever ever want to experience that again - I had no one to fall back on.

Anyway, I'm rambling, which is another symptom of mine. I tend to talk and talk so that people can't interrupt me and prove me wrong.

I'm also having a bad night, so my apologies.

[KathleenRose]

Also, in the past 10 years this is the summary of my life:

- 2006 fiance broke off our engagement after 2.5 years
- 2007 my mom walked out on my dad
- 2007 my spiritual mentor dropped dead on a golf course
- 2010 I was fired publicly and abusively from my dream job
- 2011 I quit a seemingly good job due to harassment and bullying of supervisors
- 2012 I walked out on another dream job due to passive aggressiveness of my boss
- 2015 my little brother disappeared and took his life
- 2016 my best friend delivered her 2nd baby girl at 26 weeks gestation
- 2016 my dad became critically ill with a still undiagnosed respiratory illness with less than 1% chance of survival (and lived)
- 2017 I lost my part time job due to dads illness
- 2017 I lost my apartment due to losing my job
- 2017 My car got repossessed due to losing my job and apartment
- 2017 I've been living on pretty much no income, literally paycheck to paycheck and that's not even enough, robbing Peter to pay Paul, and constantly under threat of eviction and legal action for past debts (car, apartment, rental vehicle to get to whatever jobs I could find etc).

This week:   my counseling appointment that was booked 3 months ago got postponed again until Jan 9th.   Originally I was supposed to be seen before my brothers burial in August and now I've had to go through that alone, and I'm now going to have to get through the 1 year of dad's illness (and loss of himself really, he's merely a shell of the man he was) and Christmas before I get to see anyone for professional help.

Me today:    

[Three Roses]

Welcome to you, KathleenRose!  I'm glad you're here.

I'm so sorry to hear everything you've been through. You're among people here who will understand, listen and validate. Thanks for joining!

[Sceal]

Welcome Kathleen. I hope you can find some relief and support from us here.
I understand the world is quite taxing and exhausting for you right now. Keep writing, we'll listen.

[Andyman73]

Caet,
Thank goodness you're here!!!! Been looking for you for ages!!! Okay, not really, but people like us need people like you. Y? Because only people like us actually get it, and know what we've been going through..
You been going through  quite a rough patch, no doubt!!! So glad your Dad survived. I do hope he continues to improve.
I know we're not supposed to give actual advise, so you won't hear it from me that maybe a debt counselor could help you look at your options?  See, I asked a question instead of giving advice. I'm not so dumb all the time.

Let me share a few things about you that you may not know....well, one anyway..you are far stronger than you possibly imagine....

After high school, I came into a few employment situations that were similar - including one where I was terminated very publicly, with a very (stupid) reason - I "wasn't enthusiastic enough" despite the fact that it was my dream job. In reality, it wasn't even about me - it was that the CEO's granddaughter was supposed to have my job, and one of the 3 of us in that role had to go - so they chose me, the one person who actually gave a damn and wanted to go further in the industry.   After I lost that job, I took on another job that I absolutely loved, took over a maternity leave running a fitness and dance studio for the owner.  Well.. she came back, and it was soooo triggering and passive aggressive that I literally walked out.

Okay....job where they let you go in favor of the granddaughter...no black mark on you, not your fault. You could have been their superstar employee, and still would have been let go for the granddaughter. Nepotism has it's perks for family, but often is the downfall of many a business.  Next one...you chose to save your sanity by leaving that toxic workplace. The passive/aggressive stuff is as dangerous as any other situation. If not worse. You recognized it and saved yourself.

Losing the apartment and car, while rather suckish...is a result of things you had no control over. Be a little gentle with yourself for those things, okay? So many people suffer those kinds of side effects caring for seriously ill family members. Again, not your fault.

I think you are quite strong a survivor...and you're trying to get help, which is another sign of strength. Yeah I know, it still feels like weaker than a new born kitten, but it's not. Consider this...you came here didn't you? Another positive sign you're doing something good for yourself.