Sleep issues, I had an aha moment!

[Dee]

I have had horrible sleep issues my entire life.  I feel my psychiatrist has tried everything to no avail.  When I was inpatient they even gave me ambien and I still got very little sleep.  Then, recently, I started sleeping.  It was bizarre.  I have long had medication that helps significantly with nightmares.  So my problem hasn't been nightmares, I think just a general fear of night issue.

I couldn't believe that I was sleeping.  I never thought it was possible.  Once I did sleep everything seemed to get better too.  Then all of a sudden, for a little more than the last week my insomnia came back.  Laying awake last night I was able to put it together, the obvious.

I started sleeping after my dad died.  Maybe, for the first time in my life I felt like I could close my eyes and nothing bad would happen.  Then, my stalker was served with the restraining order and violated it and the sleepless nights came back.  I am feeling unsafe again.

At least I know the problem and I can start considering ways to feel safe again (if possible).  I know now that sleep (and good sleep) is possible.

[Blueberry]

Dee, it's so great that you figured out the connection. 

I very much need to understand connections and contributory factors to move on in my healing. If this is the same for you, then I guess you're in for another round of progress.    You're making so much progress atm anyway. Yay you! 

[sanmagic7]

dee, that's wonderful!  and it makes perfect sense.  like you said, putting these realizations together may give you the wherewithall to find a sleep solution once again.  you go, girl!  big hug to you.

[Candid]

I know why I'm regularly awake half the night, too, but I'm trapped at the moment. 

[sanmagic7]

candid, i sincerely hope that the day is not far away when you can become untrapped, and can enjoy a refreshing, glorious night's sleep.  i rarely have that myself, but on the few occasions i remember it, it was definitely the best. 

[Coco]

Thanks for your posts, everyone.

I'm thinking about my sleep a lot, too.

I've had insomnia since I was a child. I don't have to be Freud to work out why either. Night time was when a lot of the action happened, I was conditioned to be hyper alert, in fight or flight mode, ready for anything. My body automatically goes into that mode when it's night time. Trying to go to sleep when your body is expecting a fight/to have to jump out the window and flee any moment, etc, is really hard.

Because my abusers abused prescription medication among other things, I've never allowed myself to use medication to sleep. I'm really black and white and stubborn. I think I exert extreme control over the few things I can have the illusion of control over. I've had blinkers on for a long time. It is possible that anti depressants and definitely sleeping tablets, may have helped me. But my principles wouldn't allow it.

Also, I don't trust my own mind and state of being, so I am scared of anything mind-altering. I've been under very tight internal control for a long, loooonng time. I don't want memories and emotions springing out or expressing themselves, I associate that with weakness, punishment, unacceptable levels of vulnerability, loss of control and intense catastrophe. So I can't have any mind altering drugs, just in case.

Ironically, these definitive decisions I made not to take drugs to sleep, even though they seemed sound and logical at the time, have cost me years, decades, of sleep. Which has its own very negative consequences. However, another thing I get out of the constant sleep deprived state is a drugged type of experience. When I am perpetually exhausted, I am dissociated and can't feel as much, can't interface with reality. I found a way to 'drug' myself without drugs.

I never, ever, remember dreams. Never.

This sleep thing is high on my list of things to address. No idea how, but at least I've decided to do something finally, haha.