Mom went to the hospital last night

[Gently]

it's the recognition that it is actually a massive ask for many parts of you

Thank you for offering compassion and tenderness to those parts of me. They felt your advocacy on their behalf. The felt supported and heard. It helped me to remember them, the truth of their experience.

They've spent so many years being taught that how they feel doesn't matter, and it's so easy with regards to the Mother and family and expectations and roles to fall into that frame of mind. It's almost like a version of reality drops down over me and I can't even see or feel the truths that brought me here. So confusing.

Still haven't gone, still feel like I could, if only....

Very aware that Mother's Day is coming up.

Grateful for those of you who are reading and offering support. Thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

They've spent so many years being taught that how they feel doesn't matter, and it's so easy with regards to the Mother and family and expectations and roles to fall into that frame of mind. It's almost like a version of reality drops down over me and I can't even see or feel the truths that brought me here. So confusing.

This totally resonates. I struggle with similar on a regular basis, and not necessarily even directly to do with FOO issues. It's very confusing when the false reality drops down because of course the struggling parts are still there, hidden even further behind the curtain. We can feel them but the false reality makes it seem weird that there should be some issue going on.

I'm glad my post helped you to support those struggling parts. I may have advocated for them but you are the one who accepted the comments and then supported and heard them.

I'm sorry you still have Mother's Day to think about. I am in the UK and ours is in March so I have got it out of the way for this year. Please try to remember it's basically a commercial confection for a standard "normal" family and you are not obliged to let it be part of your life if it doesn't fit your circumstances.

 

[Gently]

With Mother's Day coming up, a lot of confusion and internal pressure to come to some decision about what I will do, to resolve the question. And there are no good choices.

Therapy yesterday. Moving towards acceptance, dismantling the fantasy of Mother that keeps me propelled back towards her again and again, only to be devastated once again that there is no green meadow sprinkled with fairy dust that will fill the heart-and-soul-hunger-shaped-hole in the middle of my chest. Not in her, anyway.

I am practicing to sit with the pain and intense sadness of my reality, and the discomfort of not knowing what I will do, not forcing a decision.

You know what? There is a good choice, it's just that it doesn't solve everything for everyone. But it's good to choose to stay with this, to stay with myself, to choose to feel the pain rather than overriding it with self betraying actions.

Writing this post is a good choice, reaching out is a good choice.

A choice can be good. It doesn't have to fix everything for it to be good.

Being gentle with myself is good.

Doing no harm / not lashing out at others while I take care of myself is good.

Allowing others to take care of themselves instead of doing it for them is good.

It's really, really hard to undo the old patterns.

I can do good, hard things.

[NarcKiddo]

I can do good, hard things.

Yes, you can.

[Gently]

Wrestling with this intensely this morning. Hours of dialogue with my husband, a call with my good friend who is a Therapist for help processing the tortuous internal confusion, finding some kind of connected emotional centre and grounding. No "conclusions", except that there is no perfect choice.

Decided, once again, not to visit. So much grief and pain, this reality.

So many competing "parts" in me.

A sense of relief at making a decision, the state of conundrum abated once again, for now.

Calmed, depleted.

Stay here, stay in this calm, enjoy this calm. You deserve it. You need it.

[Hope67]

Hi Gently,
I hope you're still feeling some of that calm, especially as you do deserve and need it.  Sending you a hug of support