Always tried to please parents

[Astra]

In my family my two brothers were doted on by my mom and my sister along with myself were expected to just behave ourselves. I was socially isolated not living in a suburb and only saw friends at school. I was not allowed to experience the world. My mom had to control every aspect of my childhood and if I stepped out of line there was * to pay. I have learning disabilities and was diagnosed as an adult, so school was a big challenge. More for my sister than myself. But I did get good grades. After grade school being socially not prepared I was bullied and beat up in middle school all the way thru high school. Even when report I was told to just ignore them and they will stop. My older brother was allowed to bully me. My world started to fall apart in college, I had difficulties with the class work and could not understand why. I was expected to work by my parents for my book money which was different from my brother.  In the late 70's early 80's I was not asked out of dates. This bothered me very much. I graduated and met my husband when I was in my mid 20's. He soon became mentally abusive, acting single away from home even though he was married. Every life event became ruined because he was never happy about it. He spent the bill money one his pleasures and I worked so hard worried about were the next dollar was coming from. I had a very good job but when he only gave me what was left over bills were always late. The none stop phone calls drove me up my tree, when are you going to pay this or that. Now a days direct deposit would have stopped him in his tracks. He always wanted me to be or act like someone else. I lost me. We had a daughter and my husband was not happy I was pregnant. I raised her as best I could. Still the emotional abuse and the arguments over little things took its toll. After my daughter was off to college, I went back to school but was tested for learning disabilities first. I was able to get accommodations so I could be successful in college.  Home life was still a struggle. I was expected to keep house, work 40 hours , go to class and then spend half the night on studying. If I did not keep up I was ridiculed. He had several work wives over the years and have been in marriage counseling for a year and a half just to get him to acknowledge that he was abusing me. I as a person was destroyed. All I am doing is trying to survive. I am 60 retired and on a small pension. He is working still and without his income I would be on the streets. I am scared of crowds, have had public panic attacks, it is safer staying at home. As I had written earlier I had a trained service dog that I lost a month ago,he was my independence to the outside world. I do see a psychiatrist and am in talk therapy to try and re-create myself.  Medications do help with my anxiety, depression and my learning disabilities in order to cope. I just want one year of happiness without having to feel the emotion of grief. Grief for missed childhood, teenage years, a good marriage and now grieving for my service dog. Will I be grieving until my last breath?   

[radical]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.  You deserved loving parents, respectful school relationships and a safe place to learn and be, love, respect, and kindness from  your partner, and to know and respect your own needs and feeling through learning you were worthwhile from the time you were  born.

Sometimes I feel so sad at all the cruelty humans dish out to each other (and to all other species and the earth itself).  The one thing you can do, and are doing, is to learn that the way you've been treated does not reflect your worth, and to value yourself. 

Feeling you deserve to be happy and learning how to find the things that make you happy, to feel safe and comfortable in your skin.  To find, first, some moments of peace and build on them, is the right path, I think.

I'm glad you are here.  I can relate to many of the things you've said about your life.  You have shown strength and courage to have withstood them, and perservered.  One day at a time. 

Take good care.

Warm wishes

[sanmagic7]

hey, astra,

i remember losing my dog (not a service dog, but he had been the one constant during a horrible roller coaster period of my life) and it was a horrendous blow.  very sorry for your loss, as well as for everything else you've endured.

i, too, wish for you that one year without grieving, and i sincerely hope it comes soon.  big hug to you.