Have you ever been accused of being a Narcissist?

[mrsafe]

Hello hope you all are either coping or better then coping.

This is my first post on here,

I was in a particularly difficult relationship a while ago, in which accused of being Narcissistic, I mean I've heard the term before plenty of times but given this list things we have all have to deal with on a daily basis I never really gave it much thought. So naturally I first looked up what this word actually means, having learned what it meant I didn't really think I was like that and so I did the obligatory asked what few friends have which was mostly met with laughter. Initially reassuring I still wondered what about my behaviour was leading this person to conclude this?

So I started researching and very quickly found out there are more than a dozen CTPSD end point behaviours that can be perceived as Narcissistic. I apologise if this old hat for folk but as newly diagnosed or relatively at least compared to my age, I found this new information quite profound when applying it to previous experiences, relationships and situations.

Shutting people out is just one example of 2 completely different mechanisms can result in the same perceived behaviour. One is controlling the other threat response.

I'm not going to list the others but maybe if you have the time, perhaps check it out for yourselves? You may be surprised and like me, it may help to you to understand how people may be perceiving you and how you can help them and yourselves to improve relationships.


Be safe

[Kizzie]

I see you have two other posts - did you mean your first post outside of introducing yourself perhaps?

WRT thinking we are narcissists, lots of members have asked this question over the years. I think it may be because we often feel guilty for thinking about ourselves, something we've mostly had to avoid in order to survive.

There are many differences between N and CPTSD, the main one is that N's have lost the ability and desire to self-reflect in an honest way. They are not likely to show up on a forum dedicated to doing just that. That said, we have had a few members who appeared to be  N's and were here to troll/stir things up but they either didn't stay long or were banned as they revealed themselves.

Shutting people out for an N is because they do not think much of people and if that person loses value they are discarded. In our case we are fearful and mistrustful and will sometimes shut people out because of that. So, it is the motive that differs. I'm not quite sure what you mean by controlling the other threat response but if it's to do with responding to a threat from someone, typically an N will attack whereas we will freeze, flee, fight or fawn. These behaviours may be difficult for others to understand unfortunately.

IMO we start to recover when we can see our behaviours and how they helped us to survive but also how they are received by others and hopefully shift away from doing those things toward newer healthier behaviours/responses.

Kizzie 

[NarcKiddo]

There are a few aspects, I think.

One is that, as Kizzie points out, our behaviour under threat can be misinterpreted. As she has said, it is also almost unheard of for a Narc to be self-reflective or be prepared to own any part of a misunderstanding or argument.

It is also worth remembering that Narcs are very apt to project - so if you are being accused by a Narc of being a Narc they may simply be projecting.

Finally, people who have been brought up in a narcissistic environment may well have picked up behaviour traits from their FOO. These are often described as 'fleas'. We may have unpleasant knee-jerk reactions to things simply because that is what we observed happening around us as children and that is how we were taught to behave. I remember reading a book by Christine Ann Lawson called 'The Borderline Mother' (I think). When I read about behaviour patterns in there I immediately diagnosed myself with a strong personality disorder and it took quite a while for my therapist and me to unpick that one - as my therapist pointed out, it is most unusual for people with a narcisisstic disorder to attend therapy and examine themselves.

[Kizzie]

 

[mrsafe]

I'm not quite sure what you mean by controlling the other threat response.

I mean that that observed behaviour can be interpreted either way, the mechanism by which these manifest is completely different.

So in the case of shutting people out.

An N does this to either control the person they are shutting out or by controlling another person or persons indirectly though the act or this person has identified some flaw and they want to protect some aspect of their projected reality.

CTPSD shutting people out is an example of controlling your safe zone in response to a perceived threat you may alter the terms you wish to engage with them with in order maintain your manageable threat levels and remain safe. Ultimately this results in shutting someone out. 

One is based on control one is based on safety. Both result in the same behaviour if viewed by a third party in the context of this being just one example in a list of many similarities. My number is 8, 8 things I do that is no different to what a Narcissist does.

8 things that is perfectly normal for someone with CPTSD to do but for very different reasons.

Now we aren't known for bounding into a room exclaiming hey I have CTPSD you should know this about me, I might behave like a total * but it's ok because I was "Insert trauma here" and these are just responses to that and all I want is to feel safe.

Hence the problem and the post. And what you do about it is up to you, personally I think it's difficult, I find myself caught in between not wanting to reveal the truth about my condition and not wanting to be negatively labelled something incorrectly.

 






 

[Blueberry]

I see you have two other posts - did you mean your first post outside of introducing yourself perhaps?

WRT thinking we are narcissists, lots of members have asked this question over the years. I think it may be because we often feel guilty for thinking about ourselves, something we've mostly had to avoid in order to survive.

There are many differences between N and CPTSD, the main one is that N's have lost the ability and desire to self-reflect in an honest way. They are not likely to show up on a forum dedicated to doing just that. That said, we have had a few members who appeared to be  N's and were here to troll/stir things up but they either didn't stay long or were banned as they revealed themselves.

Shutting people out for an N is because they do not think much of people and if that person loses value they are discarded. In our case we are fearful and mistrustful and will sometimes shut people out because of that. So, it is the motive that differs. I'm not quite sure what you mean by controlling the other threat response

Took me a while to figure out too! The one is controlling, the other is threat response.
Should make sense in the context where the quote is from.

[Kizzie]

I find myself caught in between not wanting to reveal the truth about my condition and not wanting to be negatively labelled something incorrectly.

For sure, but is this something that actually happens a lot or is it occasional and in what context? I ask because if it is coming from family or friends that are trying to be close to you, perhaps you could actually reveal to them that you have trust issues because of abuse and need time to let them closer. Most people would be understanding of this I think and if they're not then probably they're not ready for a friendship either.   

[NarcKiddo]

Now we aren't known for bounding into a room exclaiming hey I have CTPSD you should know this about me, I might behave like a total * but it's ok because I was "Insert trauma here" and these are just responses to that and all I want is to feel safe.

I think there are times when we really do need to consider revealing part of the truth if we have behaved badly towards someone. At the very least we need to own our mistakes and apologise for them, which I'm sure you do. But I remember watching a therapist video ages ago, can't remember who, and one of the things they said very strongly is that being traumatised is not a permission slip for poor behaviour. Of course we have our trauma responses, and they are understandable and not our fault, but we can't expect other people to keep giving us leeway if they don't know why they should. If the other person is basically kind we should not need to reveal all the details - a statement that there is a trauma history we are working through should be enough. Relationships involve more than one person and are give and take. Rupture and repair is a part of that - but part of repair involves trust on both sides. That's what I think, anyway. It is hard. I am also very reluctant to reveal anything of my trauma history except to people who I know will understand - because they are here!

[dollyvee]

Hey Mr. Safe

I have also grown up in an NPD family and had/have the fleas that NK speaks of with regards to how I view myself. I also have read/listened to quite a bit about attachment theory over the years. IMO, and from personal experience, I would say that dismissive avoidants would be likely to be labelled as on the NPD spectrum. It's interesting and overlapping as well, that their core driver for behaviour, like narcs, is shame. However, like Kizzie mentioned, it's how self-reflective one is willing to be about that shame, and whether or not they're willing to "work on" those behaviour responses. DA's are most likely to put the problem down to someone else being the problem (with their wants, needs for emotional connection etc) rather than themselves.

Just my two cents, so please take and leave as needed. 

Sending you support,
dolly