The CPTSD dominoes

[beautywithin101]

I have to talk about something that truly broke my spirit. I was abused in my FOO and misdiagnosed with BPD, and also in a relationship with a narcissist after leaving from home. After we broke up I had tried to... end more than just the relationship and I went to stay with my aunt who is "BPD" (I think she has npd I will explain), because she lives near a renowned therapist who helped her and her daughter, my cousin who also has BPD. The therapist is located in the states, I lived in Germany at the time and was 20.

My aunt started out supportive and understanding but quickly amped up the control and unspoken rules and expectations. She wanted me to be in college, working, and healing at the same time. (I was in therapy and working part time, but I quickly started picking up more shifts to get away from my aunt, and therapy and full time OBVIOUSLY weren't good enough). My therapist told me I don't have BPD, I have CPTSD, and that all I need is love and support from my family. My aunt told me I was lying about what my therapist was saying, and began gaslighting me. She was fixated on me having to be fixed, and was constantly monitoring my behavior, in her delusional attempt of a self proclaimed "clinical" approach, which she never communicated, she just distanced herself emotionally and was unhappy about "me". Of course I believed there was something terribly wrong with me and I tried desperately to be enough and to try harder. I was in so much confusion and pain, those were truly the worst 3 months of my life and I will never understand how someone can be so cruel and mean. She told me I'd never be anyone, and that I was being manipulative when I was literally bawling sat in front of her. I was considering giving up again. 

I lost my mind, started getting hallucinations, my skin was breaking out, I lost all the life in my face and eyes. I lost weight, a will to live and my soul because of my aunt.  I was already at my lowest. I was hallucinating people knocking on my windows I was so scared. Thank whatever higher power there was that got me out of there and let me survive. This was truly worse than all of the other abuse I endured because I was in such a fragile state mentally, it could have ended way worse. I hope her shame consumes her (sorry for being harsh). Never felt more free on a flight. I cried happy and stress releasing tears at the airport. I felt like I was on Shutter Island (Gated Community version).

My guardian angel aunt in NY saved my life. She helped me rest and heal and believed me after the shenanigans that went down in the southwest. She even sent an email to my evil aunt when she was drunk one time cursing her out, healed my inner child a lot to have someone stand up for me.

I have spent the last year resting. Sleeping. Not giving a hoot. Anyone who disturbs my rest is getting cut out of my life. It's about self preservation. Writing this brought up a lot of pain but is also reminding me to let go of guilt about no contact with all these folks.