Unable to do any work all day... has this happened to you? (Possibly triggering)

[SaraDurga]

Hi All,

I'm still new to all of this, so please inform me if I've used the TW wrong.

As I said, I'm new to this. My story is that I've been depressed in some way shape or form pretty much since my early teens, but only recently came to understand, via flashbacks triggered once my kids became school-age, that I was made to feel intense shame pretty much from birth to my mid-20s when I moved out of home.

In my teens and throughout my life this has manifested as being inconsistent in my work - schoolwork, etc. I was constantly told I was capable of better and why was I not trying.

In my early 20s when I was finally in a good relationship the next thing was huge insecurity, and then basically treating my partner the way I was treated at home. I started therapy around that time and did great work in ensuring I stopped these behaviours. But I didn't, or wasn't able to, go deeper.

Throughout my 20s and 30s I struggled with binge eating and absenteeism at work. I was still in therapy so things didn't end up disastrous in either realms.

I was doing well for awhile.

Last fall my older child started school. Within months I was overwhelmed with just an incomprehensible feeling of sadness - like I wanted to cry but couldn't - and with no meaning to it, no reason. I started binge eating again but there wasn't enough food in the world to numb me, not this time. I started to almost violently externalize stuff - remembering things that had been said to me, asserted to me, from a young age - just bringing them up and looking at them with adult eyes and eviscerating them... but it wasn't enough. I went on a diet for a bit, and that just made me get even more sad. I put that on the back burner for now and am still medicating somewhat with food. I'd like to not do this one day.

I did some counselling via my workplace, and when I got to the end of that she and I agreed that there are a lot of hurts inside me that never ever healed. I'm now seeing a therapist and will be starting EMDR next week, after 3 getting-to-know-you kind of sessions. I am eager to get going.

I'm still learning about my CPTSD. Still figuring out and honouring and accepting that I'm not lazy or greedy or a bad person, that I'm traumatized because of the verbal abuse I'd survived as a child. Whenever I look at my kids, I see how horrible it was that these things were being said to me.

I had a good week early this week, a great week - very productive and on task with my work and my schoolwork. But yesterday morning, something happened. In the morning I somehow got into an imaginary conversation with my sister where I was trying to show her that all she and my parents did was abusive. Of course by the end of it I realized that to have this conversation in real life would be useless. Then, the entire working day and evening, I was just... inert. I couldn't start work, couldn't finish work. When I got hungry and starting thinking about lunch I was just rooted to the spot thinking about what I should get to eat, as I'd forgotten to pack a lunch that day. It took me 2 hours to decide. 2 hours that I did nothing else but think about lunch or think about nothing. On the way home I cried a bit. In the evening I didn't even open my textbooks, just spent a lot of time staring into the ceiling. I went to bed and fell asleep so suddenly I didn't even wash my face, take off my sweater or my contacts.

What happened? What was this? Anyone have anything similar happen?

I am seeing my T on Monday but I just wanted to see if anyone has experienced similar things.

[Three Roses]

It sounds like what you experienced was an emotional flashback (EF), followed by a freeze response.

Here is Pete Walker talking about the first EF he remembered having (page 4 of "From Surviving To Thriving");

"At the time itself, I also felt completely disoriented, unable to speak, respond or even think. I felt terrified, shaky and very little. Somehow, I finally managed to totter to the door and get out of the house where I eventually slowly pulled myself together."

& here, talking about the freeze response (one of the 4F's) on page 13;

"A freeze response is triggered when a person, realizing resistance is futile, gives up, numbs out into dissociation and/or collapses as if accepting the inevitability of being hurt."

You can do more research at pete-walker.com

In any event, no matter what label you give it, these reactions are common to us and totally normal.

Warm wishes for your peace and healing! 

[cosmo79]

Yes, this happens to me a lot. It's awful! I try not to get angry at myself for "producing," but sometimes I do, anyway.  Hope you're feeling better today!