I am new to this, and a little nervous. Hello all!

[Baldorin]

Hello, Baldorin here, I am 63, born in Germany, currently living in the US.  I have been married for 29 years to my wife and best friend. After all these years I am finally having the courage to start working on myself.  So I started therapy about four months ago, reading books, and watching youtube videos.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD, since C-PTSD has not been recognized officially in the US.  Although my therapist knows that I have several C-PTSD symptoms.

I am slowly dealing with past memories, emotions, feelings of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, during childhood.  I also never dealt with the grief of being forced to retire due to chronic illness and chronic pain.  Losing many of my friends, and both of my parents since 2020.  (As a side note, I can't figure out why I seem to take my father's death especially hard, although he was one of my abusers, and I had zero contact with him for over 50 years).

At this point stuff is getting overwhelming, the sadness is getting a bit too much. Especially for a guy who has never dealt with emotions, and doesn't know how to communicate these emotions.  I am always in my head ruminating on finding solutions, reading every book/article, or watching every YouTube video on C-PTSD.   Intellectually, I know I am keeping me distracted so I don't have to deal with emotions.  I have done this literally my entire life.

I was involved professionally in evangelical ministry, ordained minister with American Baptist Churches USA, with an M.A. in systematic theology, and a minor in philosophy of religions. I left that community disillusioned and broken several years ago.  I personally enjoy studying different ideas in science, theology, philosophy, and religions.  I love PC gaming, reading Fantasy, Science Fiction, movies, and coffee/tea. By the way, my nickname Baldorin has been my PC gaming name for over 25 years.

[zen_racer]

Hello Baldorin, welcome to the forum.  I'm sorry that you have so much that you're dealing with, but you've found a great place.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you are having therapy and working on yourself. It can feel particularly intense and tough at the beginning stages, so please be gentle with yourself. It is good you recognise that you are keeping yourself distracted with the intellectual side of this. It's not a bad thing, especially when the emotions get too tough to bear. When you haven't dealt with emotions for so long you do need respite from time to time, I think. And the way through this is slightly different for everyone so amassing knowledge that you can pick apart for what suits you is useful work - just be careful not to let that overwhelm you too. It's tiring, whichever way you approach it.

Both my parents are still alive and I am in contact with them. One reason I started therapy was because for some time I had thought that the death of my mother would bring nothing but relief. But I started to have a nasty feeling that the death might not bring relief and perhaps I should start working her out of my system before she goes. Not having had contact with your father does not necessarily mean that you have worked him out of your system. If there was ever a kernel of hope hiding somewhere that you might reconcile, or get him to apologise, or whatever, then his death would have removed that last hope. I don't know if that lands at all, and please ignore if unhelpful, but that's the initial thought I had when you said you are taking his death especially hard.