Finally freeish

[beautywithin101]

Hi, I'm a 21 year old woman who developed CPTSD after growing up in an emotionally abusive and neglectful household (narcissistic mom). My dad is a wimp and a total enabler, who let this go down and claims he never saw it was "that bad". I was always the black sheep aka the scapegoat, as the eldest daughter. Always bullied, and scrutinised for having emotional needs and interests.

I fought my way out, using logic and online resources, to keep myself somewhat sane and at least alive. There was a lot of silent treatment, gaslighting and plain neglect. First time I went to my mom for help with depression at 12 she laughed in my face and that sums up my family pretty well. I escaped at 18, and immediately fell into an abusive relationship with a narcissist/borderline sociopathic man who drove me to insanity, he abused cheated stole and gaslit me the entire 1 1/2 years we were together, and I lost every ounce of sanity I had left at that point. I escaped again, moved countries to stay with my aunt (a mental health guru with BPD) who promised me a safe space to heal. She is probably part narcissist as she was super controlling, and called me manipulative for sobbing in front of her, and said I had a victim complex while I was already in therapy, pushing me to fix myself even faster, leading to constant spiralling and possible psychosis. I started hallucinating while living with her.

I am shocked I survived at this point, therapists as well. I guess I'm pretty resilient and have a very grounded personality naturally which saved me. Now I'm fighting daily to unlearn and release the guilt and shame programmed into me. I've cut off my collective narcissistic family, including my parents, who deny that my pain is real regardless of the amount of proof I have that I am disabled by their behavior. Living with my sister who is avoidant (possibly part narcissist as she has no empathy) and gaslights me, but I don't let it get to me as much. It's definitely been a battle but I am strong. I joined this community to finally give myself some reality, and hopefully connect with others who have been through multiple narcissistic situations. Scapegoat Strong!

[Kizzie]

Hello and welcome to OOTS Beautywithin     You have been strong, I see that when I read your introduction.  I really hope being here as part of our community helps you with support, connection and information. One thing about OOTS is that here at least you don't always have to be strong, you can let the walls down when you're comfortable doing so and that can be a huge relief.   

    

[beautywithin101]

This message brought a tear to my eye immediately, thank you!

[Kia1212]

Hi - seems to me you are more than surviving at this point, you are thriving. Seems like narcs are everywhere. Same here my whole family are extremely narcissitic and in my opinion psychopathic, as they will never own up to a word they say. And, I met a malignant narc psychopath when I was 14 and he fit in quite well with my family. It took me at 40 to divorce my ex, but the gaslighting, demeaning statements, innuendos, whatever never stopped. Finally at 67 I went no contact w my 5 brothers and sisters because I developed complex ptsd and will never be the same again. I beat myself up about why didn't I know what kind of people they were, but it is a confusing scenario. Sometimes they are nice and most times sadistic and cruel. Hope you heal quickly and lead a "normal" life minus the abusers. Good luck.

[beautywithin101]

Thanks for the response! I was lucky that I was online a lot, and that there is so much awareness on trauma and abuse nowadays, it definitely set me up for clarity quicker. I'm so sorry you had to experience a similar family dynamic, it is really confusing and that's why it's so insidious and feels impossible to break free. Narcissism is really everywhere, but when it's your whole family, it makes you go through a literal rebirth and you have to start from 0 once you're free. But you are, I hope you're finally able to heal and get some peace and live in your reality now, All the best to you!